Understanding

Title: Understanding

Author: Suz W.

Spoilers: After The Broca Divide, The First Commandment, and Cold Lazarus

Feedback: I'd love to hear from you!

Rating: PG

Category: S/J Friendship

Summary: Sam decides to spend some quality time with Jack.

Disclaimer: All publicity recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended.

Copyright: The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. Copyrighted on August 12, 2003, by Suzanne R. Whitmarsh.

Author’s Notes: This story follows “A New Beginning”.

Dedication: To Lynn, for being a great fan and friend. And for all those devoted to S/J!

The stuffiness in the lab was not helping Sam’s concentration any. She looked at the clock on the wall and groaned. 1130. She had been working on the designs for an upgraded dialing program for the gate for the past four hours. Having spent most of that time bent over her schematic drawings, she found her hands cramped and her neck extremely stiff. SG-1 had the day off from mission assignments, so she had decided it would be a good opportunity to work on her latest idea—or so she thought. For some unknown reason, her mind refused to stay concentrated on the task at hand. Just when she’d get going on an idea, it would melt away like a piece of ice floating quietly in a cup of warm water. She used her right index finger and thumb to firmly pinch the bridge of her nose, trying to deter the headache that was beginning to form. Frustrated, she threw her pencil down and stretched her back as she sat in the chair.

‘Maybe some food will help,’ she thought, quickly deciding that this idea had more appeal than any she’d had all morning. She switched off the overhead lamp and got up from her chair, stretching her legs as she walked to the door. Though she wasn’t very hungry, she knew that she had to escape her lab for a while.

Her short walk to the commissary had helped in working out the soreness in her back and legs from sitting all morning. Still perplexed as to why she couldn’t concentrate, she entered the dining area and suddenly realized what, or rather who, was clouding her mind. Jack. She spotted him sitting alone at a corner table, picking at what looked like an untouched lunch.

Her heart went out to him. Ever since their last mission a few days ago, when he had been forced to face the memories of losing his son, he had been distant and quiet. No sarcastic remarks, no attempted jokes that he knew Teal’c wouldn’t get, no spontaneous visits to her lab to see how confused she could make him with whatever latest project she had herself buried in. The alien that initially took Jack’s form after he’d touched the blue crystal on the planet they had visited, had transformed itself into his late son, Charlie, right in front of their eyes. The shock and sadness that had been on Jack’s face that night still resided in his dark brown eyes now as she looked at him from across the room. She knew he was dealing with a lot, and because of that, had given him the space she felt he needed.

Looking at him now, she decided that it was time to see if she could do anything for him. After all, he had helped her after that awful nightmare of hers two weeks ago, comforting her, listening to her, and trying to understand. Now it was her turn. The time had come for her to understand his pain, if he would let her in.

Sam took a deep breath and exhaled it quietly as she walked over to the table where he was sitting. “Hi sir, how are you?”

“Oh, hey Carter,” Jack said, as he briefly looked up into her blue eyes. “Doing fine. Have a seat.”

“Thanks! Lunch not that appetizing?” Sam watched him as he slid his plate to the side.

“Not really. If I were you, I’d avoid the blue plate special.”

Sam laughed. “Thanks for the advice. I’m actually not that hungry. I just needed a break from my lab for a while.”

Jack looked at her with a surprised expression. “You! I never thought I’d hear you say that. I thought you lived for the lab.”

Sam looked up at him and grinned. “Well, contrary to popular belief, I do have a life outside the lab…sometimes.”

Jack couldn’t help but smile with her, watching, as her smile seemed to light up not only her face, but the entire room as well. “Really, Carter? And what does this ‘life’, sometimes, keep you doing?” As she pondered his question for a moment, Jack found himself amazed at the effect she always seemed to have on him. Up until she’d joined him, the day had been dismal. When she sat down, it was as if she were the sun, shining warm, bright rays of light through the dark clouds that surrounded him, pushing them away.

Sam, looking at him as he attempted normal conversation, decided to be spontaneous. “Well, actually, I’ve decided to take the afternoon off and enjoy some of the day. I have something in mind, but it would be a lot more ‘fun’ with a second person. Are you up for it?” She held her breath as she waited for his response.

“Is that an invitation, Carter?” Jack thought for just a brief moment: sitting here staring at yesterday’s leftovers from the kitchen, or, joining a woman he’d love to get to know better. Thought over! “Now, how can I say no to an opportunity at finding out what your idea of ‘fun’ is. What’d you have in mind?”

Sam, delighted at his answer, felt a little playful. “Well, I guess you’ll have to follow me and find out.” She gave him a smile and stood up. “Are you ready?”

Jack stood too, shrugging his shoulders. “Sure thing. Lead on.”

Agreeing to meet at the elevators in 15 minutes, Jack and Sam each went to their offices to change and put some things in order. Jack was waiting for Sam when he spotted her coming down the hall. She was dressed in a pair of very well fitted blue jeans and a red, short sleeve shirt that accented her figure well. She was carrying a denim jacket over her arm, and her blonde hair fell naturally around her face, framing it. When she spotted him waiting for her, she gave him a glowing smile, and he suddenly realized not just how beautiful she looked, but how much he missed her when she wasn’t with him.

Spotting Jack, Sam’s heart picked up a few extra beats. She didn’t know why he affected her the way he did, but she enjoyed it. As their friendship continued to grow in a new direction, Sam found herself looking forward to what that could mean. Of course, as she constantly reminded herself, they could only be friends, at least while they were both apart of the military. And since there were no plans to retire anytime soon, she would have to be content with friendship.

‘Get a grip, Samantha,’ she told herself, ‘Jack probably doesn’t even see you as anything more than his 2IC.’

But looking at him now as she walked towards him, seeing him dressed in jeans, a white tee shirt, and black cap, looking particularly sexy, she knew that she would have to constantly remind herself of that fact.

“Horseback riding?” Jack said, as he looked at the stables that Sam had driven them to. “Now this is something I would have lost a bet on.”

Sam laughed at his expression as they got out of her car. “Well, you said you wanted to see what I liked to do for ‘fun’. This happens to be something I love to do, when I get the rare opportunity to do it.” She looked at the stables in front of them and smiled. “My dad use to take me here all the time as a kid, at least when he was on leave. I guess it just kind of stuck with me. Fond memories and all.”

Jack watched her as she reminisced, her eyes capturing the memories of times gone by. “So, is this place yours?”

“No, but the owners are old friends of the family. I called out here before we left to see if we could ride. George, the owner, said they were leaving on a day trip, but since I know where everything is, to go ahead and have fun.” Sam looked at Jack with a sudden thought. “I guess I should ask if you even like riding, cause we don’t have to do this if you’re not up for it.”

Jack smiled as he looked at her. “Oh, I’m up for it, Carter. The question is, can you keep up with me!”

Sam returned his smile as she nudged him with her shoulder. “I think I can handle it, sir, and it’s Sam if you don’t mind.” She watched as she saw the recognition cross his face of their conversation two weeks ago in her living room.

“You’re right, sorry. I guess I’m just used to talking with you on base. We’ll just have to keep practicing until we get it right.” Jack shoved his hands in his pocket, looking briefly up at the sky, and then at her, giving her a soft smile.

Their eyes held for a moment before Sam spoke. “I think I can meet that challenge.” She was sure that Jack could hear her heart beating by the pace it had sped up to as he looked at her. “So, are you ready to meet Sugar and Spice?”

Jack let out a hearty laugh. “Sugar and Spice? Did you name them?”

Sam gave him a defiant, but friendly look. “As a matter of fact I did! Of course I was 5 years old at the time.”

Jack smiled at the image his mind brought up, of a little five year old Samantha Carter, probably wearing blonde pig tails and a yellow dress. He would love to have known her at that age. “Well, let’s go meet them shall we. Which one do I get?”

“You’ll be riding Spice,” Sam said with a twinkle in her eye. “He tends to have a little stubborn streak in him. You two should get along just fine!”

“Hey! I resent that,” Jack said playfully, “I’m only stubborn on special occasions.”

They walked to the barn and got the horses ready. Ten minutes later, they were mounted and ready to go.

Jack and Sam rode side by side, letting the horses start at a casual walk. For the first few minutes they rode in silence, enjoying the day. The early afternoon was warmed by the rays of sunshine steaming down on the earth, as wisps of white puffy clouds traveled across a sapphire blue sky. Riding up the graveled trail, they were surrounded by great trees of oak, pine, and maple. Two bushy-tailed squirrels chased each other around a tree trunk and up into the branches, where they proceeded to jump from limb to limb, continuing their game. Birds sang as a cool breeze gently moved the leaves around them. It was a perfect day for riding, and Sam couldn’t have been happier with the company.

She looked over at Jack, who seemed to be lost in thought. “Penny for your thoughts.”

Jack looked over at her briefly before looking ahead again and sighing. “Oh, I was just thinking about Charlie. I took him horseback riding a few times. He seemed to really enjoy it.”

Sam felt suddenly guilty. “Oh, Jack, I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“No need to apologize, you didn’t know.” Jack hesitated before going on. “I remember when he first got on one and started out, he asked me if that was as fast as the horse could go.”

“It sounds like he liked fast action, just like his dad.”

Jack smiled. “He did. He was always looking for the next big adventure.”

Sam watched Jack as he went through the motions of remembering. She wasn’t sure if she should continue with the questions, but something in her sensed that he needed this. “He loved baseball, right? Did you teach him?”

“Charlie started playing baseball as soon as he could hold a bat. He was a natural. He loved to play catch in the backyard, meeting me at my car as soon as I got home. Sara and I knew he was going to go far with it, that is, until he…died.” Jack’s voice became very soft as his finished that last word, looking down at his hands as they held the reins.

Sam pulled gently on her reins, bringing Sugar to a stop as she reached out and reined in Spice, placing her hand softly on top of Jack’s. She waited patiently for Jack to look back up at her. When he did, his dark brown eyes reflected not only the pain she’d been seeing the last few days, but she was sure that she could see tears forming.

“Jack,” Sam began softly, “I know that I can’t begin to understand the type of pain you’ve been going through, but I’d like to try. What happened to Charlie was a terrible, terrible accident. I would have blamed myself as well if I’d been in your situation.” She took a breath as Jack continued to silently watch her trying to understand his pain. The light caught in her blue eyes and sparkled.

Sam continued. “No one ever expects you to forget what happened, and if they do, then they’re fools. But one thing I know you have the strength to do, is to forgive yourself.”

Jack gave her a sympathetic frown. “I know you’re just trying to help, Sam, but I don’t think that’s ever going to be a possibility. But I appreciate you trying.” He took her hand that was still resting on top of his and gave it a light squeeze.

As he was letting go of it, Sam reapplied the pressure, not letting his hand go. He looked at their hands joined, and then looked at her. Sam tried to strengthen her tone as she spoke. “Your wrong, Jack, and as your friend, I’m going to tell you why. You know that stubborn streak that I referred to earlier, that’s what’s going to pull you through. And not only are you stubborn, but your strong in spirit, and have incredible courage. You may not believe in yourself right now, but I believe in you, and your ability to put this behind you, by ultimately forgiving yourself. I don’t expect it to happen overnight, but I know it can happen. When that alien transformed itself into Charlie, it opened an old wound and set you back. You were beginning to heal, from what I could see, until that happened, and I refuse to sit back and watch you regress.” After Sam finished, the overwhelming quiet of their surroundings made her realize that she’d allowed herself to get a little too passionate in her opinion. She blushed slightly and released Jack’s hand. “Sorry, I said too much.”

As Jack watched her compose herself, he found himself beginning to smile. Out of all the people in his life who had tried to reach him after Charlie’s death, no one had attempted to spell it out for him. “No, Sam, you said just what you needed to. And, you’re right.”

“I am?” Sam said, looking at him with surprise.

“Yes, you are. Now that you point it out, I have been stumbling over my past the last few days.”

“Sir, I mean Jack,” Sam said quickly, “I meant no disrespect. I guess I just let my thoughts run away with me.”

Jack put a reassuring hand on her arm. “Sam, it’s okay. I needed someone to give me a swift kick in the butt, and apparently you were the one with enough courage to do so. Thanks.”

“You’re sure?” Sam asked with hesitation in her voice.

“Positive. And I promise to work on…forgiving myself.” Jack said, softening his voice. As they sat there in silence for a moment letting the peace of their surroundings affect them, Spice began to anxiously paw at the ground. “Um, I think this guy’s getting tired of standing here. What do you say we continue on before his stubborn side decides to buck me off?”

Sugar seemed to understand him, because she joined in with Spice at pawing the ground. Sam smiled. “I think Sugar agrees with you.”

They gave their horses the welcomed nudge they were looking for and started up the trail again. Feeling a little more confident about what she had just said, Sam continued. “So, if I may, how did Sara take it, seeing ‘Charlie’ again?”

Jack looked ahead of them, not really seeing anything. “I think shocked is the appropriate word. But she’ll be okay. I wasn’t there for her as I should have been after his death, so unfortunately she’s had practice. For some reason, though, I think seeing ‘Charlie’ again gave her a way to kind of say goodbye.” Jack paused, thinking. “I think it also helped us to find the closure we needed.”

Sam looked at him. “I’m not trying to pry to deep, but aren’t you divorced?”

“Yeah, we are. I just kind of took off after Charlie died, and I guess she took that as our goodbye as well.”

“I’m sorry,” Sam said. “I probably shouldn’t be bringing this up.”

“No, it’s okay, I probably needed this. After all, I asked you to open up for me. Sara and I had a pretty good thing when Charlie was alive, but when he died, we seemed to die as well. Even if we’d tried, I don’t think that it would have worked. All in all, what happened a few days ago with that alien has seemed to have worked out for the best.” Jack seemed to breath a sigh of relief, giving Sam the indication she needed that he would be okay eventually.

They continued up the trail, coming to a plateau halfway up the mountain. Jack reined in Spice and let out a whistle. “Wow, what a view.” The plateau they had stopped at gave a panoramic view of the valley below. The surrounding mountains stretched up towards the sky, painted with a multitude of trees, while their peaks were still covered in snow. “I now see why you enjoy this trail so much.”

Sam smiled. “Yeah, I like to ride up here when I need to escape reality for a while. I can find a sort of peace here like nowhere else on Earth, or any other world for that matter.”

Jack leaned over towards her. “Well, that would probably be because every time we’re on a different world, the Goa’uld are breathing down our necks. I don’t know about you, but that’s not my idea of peace. When was the last time you were up here?”

“I went riding a week ago after we got back from dealing with Colonel Hanson. I guess I just needed to clear my head.”

Jack felt a little guilty. He should have known that she would have after effects from that mission. “Yeah, sorry, I should have been there for you after all that.”

Sam gave him a reassuring smile. “It’s fine, really, I’m fine. I just guess seeing him so ‘crazy’ really got to me. I just began questioning why I even got involved with him.” Sam suddenly had a memory flash of her conversation with Daniel while on the planet. She had told him that she had a soft spot for the ‘lunatic fringe’ and had found him ‘charming’. She looked at Jack and began to wonder. Not that he was crazy, but he had his tendencies, and was definitely charming.

“Well, you couldn’t have known that he would have taken on such a complex. I’m just sorry that I wasn’t able to save you the pain of that backhanded slap he gave you across the face as you kicked the gun out of his hand.” The image of Sam being hit hard and falling to the ground went through his mind. If he could have gotten to Jonas at that moment, he would have given him double what he gave Sam. He hated the idea of anyone hurting her, let alone succeeding in doing it.

“Thanks, but you did save me as he attempted to take me with him through the wormhole. If it wasn’t for you, I would have been dead.” Sam gave him a smile and nudged Sugar on up the trail, with Jack following suit.

As they reached the summit of the trail, they directed the horses into an open field. The wide open pasture seemed to move as the tall green grass rolled gently in the breeze, and wild flowers of purple and yellow dancing with the rhythm. Sam looked at Jack, a sparkle in her eye. “Race ya, if you’re up for it.”

Jack smiled and took his cap off, turning it around, and placing it on backwards. “To that group of trees over there?” Jack said, as he pointed out his target.

Sam nodded. “On 3; 1, 2, 3….” With that, they both dug their heels into the sides of their horses and were off, racing with the wind. Sam took the lead by a nose, with Jack urging Spice on as he watched Sam out of the corner of his eye, her blonde hair whipping wildly with the speed of her galloping horse, and her body flowing with the rhythm beautifully. She looked back at him briefly, laughing as she enjoyed herself. Jack knew that image of her, such a stark contrast to the usually serious Captain Samantha Carter that he was used to seeing, would stay with him for a very long time.

As they approached the group of trees, Jack gave Spice another nudge and miraculously, he sped up, passing Sugar by an inch and winning the ‘race’. They both pulled up hard on the reins, catching their breath and giving each other a winning smile. Their gazes held, and for a brief moment, time stood still.

Sam broke the moment. “Congratulations, Jack. You’ve proved your skill on a horse.”

“Nah, you just gave me the winning horse.” Jack patted Spice as he said this.

There was a fairly deep stream nearby, and Sam suggested that they give the horses a drink. They rode the horses over towards the edge of the water. As they approached the bank, a rattlesnake, that had been sunning itself on a nearby rock, suddenly came to life at their approach. At the sound of its rattle and hiss, Sugar, who was nearest to it, reared up and whinnied. Sam pulled on the reins hard and gripped the horse with her whole body. As Sugar hit the ground, the horse took off at top speed, away from the snake, and away from Jack who was trying to keep his own horse from wildly circling. Terrified, he watched as Sam’s horse reared up and took off.

“Carter!” Jack yelled, quickly reining in his own horse, then digging his heals into Spice, chasing after the spooked Sugar with as much power as Spice could give him. Jack could see Sam wildly trying to hold on as she attempted to calm Sugar down. After a few nerve-racking moments, Jack managed to catch up to Sam. As he attempted to help her rein in the horse, her foot slipped out of the stirrup and she lost her balance on the horse. As she started to slide towards the side, Jack quickly urged Spice closer. Sam saw what Jack was thinking and reached out for the horn on Jack’s saddle. In one quick movement, he encircled his arm behind her back, grabbed on tight, and pulled her to him as she swung her leg over Spice’s neck. To Jack’s relief she now sat securely in his embrace, facing him, as she held on tight, hugging him. He quickly pulled up on the reins, bringing Spice to a halt as Sugar did a running dance in front of them, gradually slowing to a trot, eventually stopping 100 feet from them.

They both sat very still, breathing hard into the other’s shoulder, never releasing from the embrace. Sam was shaking hard, and Jack, still coming down from his adrenaline rush, shook with her, holding her tight against him. When they both had managed to calm down, Sam released her grip on him and straightened her back, looking at him squarely in the face.

“Thanks. You’ve managed to save me yet again.”

Jack smiled. “Hey, what are friends for!”

They both sat there, looking at each other as he said this, both of them secretly pained by the comment. Jack reached a hand up and brushed her cheek with his thumb, removing a piece of dirt that had flown up there during the chase. “You okay?”

Sam, whose heart was racing, but not from what had just happened, answered quietly. “Yeah, thanks. I guess I provided us with a little more excitement than we had planned.”

“Hey, we’re building memories. And besides, you can’t control the wild animal instinct when it is forced to come out.” Jack helped her to the ground as he said this, pausing briefly as he finished, remembering their recent mission to P3X-797. The disease that SGs 1 and 3 had been exposed to had caused some wild tendencies. He remembered fondly how Carter had “attacked” him, kissing him wildly in that sweet little tank top. It had taken every ounce of strength in him to resist her, especially when all he had wanted was to give in to her demands.

Sam saw the recognition in his eyes and knew what he was thinking about. “Now, you wouldn’t be thinking about our recent mission to P3X-797 would you? I thought you didn’t remember anything that I did.”

Jack got to the ground, patting Spices neck with his hand as he watched Sugar slowing returning to them. “Oh, Carter, you know, memory’s a funny thing. It can come and go. I guess it just came back.”

Sam smirked. “Sure. Well, I heard from the control room officer that when you went nuts yourself, you got into a fight with Daniel, over me I believe she said. You told Daniel something about staying away from me after he mentioned that he was going to check on me, because he cared?” She watched as he blushed, turning his cap back around the right way and pulling it down as far as he could over his eyes.

“Yeah, well, you were kind enough to choose me as the “alpha male”, so I thought I’d return the favor.” Pleased with his countering response, Jack grinned at her.

“Whatever you say, sir, whatever you say.” Carter smiled and shook her head, turning to greet Sugar as she nudged her in the back. They led the horses on foot to the bank of the stream, this time choosing a part further down to avoid the snake, who had obviously claimed it’s territory. After the horses had drunk their fill, Sam and Jack got back on them and walked them back towards the trail, and home.

“So, did you have fun?” Sam asked as they started back down the way they had come. The sun was beginning to set on the horizon, streaking the sky a mosaic of colors, from pink to purple. The light gave everything around them a surreal glow, and seemed almost magical.

Jack looked at Sam and smiled, as the evening light was absorbed into her skin, giving a sparkle to her eyes and hair. “Fun it definitely was. You’ve shown me a side of you I didn’t know was there. Thanks, I needed this.”

Sam returned his smile, content. “You’re welcome. We’ll have to do it again sometime soon.”

“That we will, that we will.”

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