The Heart Of The Matter
Title:
The Heart
Of The Matter
Author: Suz W.
Spoilers: After Descent, Nightwalkers, and Abyss (episode tag)
Old
Stories Referenced: “Whispers Of Doubt”
Rating: PG-13, S/J Romance, Friendship, Angst, and Hurt/Comfort.
Summary: After Jack’s rescue from the torments of Baal, Sam
and Jack must find a way to deal with the consequences of his capture.
Disclaimer: All publicity recognizable characters and places are
the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for
entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or
trademarks was intended.
Copyright: The original characters, situations, and story are
the property of the author. Copyrighted
on August 2, 2005, by Suzanne R. Whitmarsh.
Author’s
Notes: This story follows “Burden
Of Proof”. This story is in a sense the sequel to my last
story that most of you were hoping for. Officially,
it’s a separate story, but the connection is there, and I hope that I have
written it to your liking. The song
“When I See You Smile” is by Bad English. As always, thanks for your continued support
of my writings. I couldn’t do it without
you!
Dedication: This story is dedicated to Lin! Thanks for your friendship and your support
of my stories. And thanks for also
contributing to the fanfic world with your stories. May Sam and Jack live forever in the world of our imaginations!
Sam turned over on her side and looked at the clock on the bedside table. 0215 hours. Sighing, she couldn’t believe that only 5 minutes had passed since she had last looked at it. Turning over onto her back, she rubbed her eyes and stared up at the darkened ceiling above her. The bed in her quarters on the base was usually very comfortable…soft and inviting after a hard day off world, especially when she couldn’t leave the base for a night in her own bed. And it usually wasn’t a problem for her to fall asleep almost instantly, not waking until the early morning hours.
But tonight was a different story…she had been lying there, staring at the same darkened spot on the ceiling for the past two and a half hours. Sleep had eluded her for all but 10 minutes, and she was tired of tossing and turning. Sitting up, she brought her knees to her chest and laid her head down on top of them. It wouldn’t take much research on her part to determine why she couldn’t sleep. Jack had been running through her mind all night, and she had finally given up working pointlessly in her lab, trading it instead for a pointless attempt at sleep. Frustrated, she kicked her legs over the side of the bed and stood up, stretching her back. The only way to help ease her worry was to go visit the source.
Jack had been in the infirmary for the past two days since his escape and rescue from the clutches of Baal. When she had been apart from him, unsure of if she’d ever see him again, the pain in her heart had been immense. Every night, she would cry herself into a dizzying sleep, and wake up only a few hours later, drenched in sweat from an unending nightmare of living life without Jack. When they had finally rescued him, she wanted to hold him in her arms and never let him go.
Now with him lying in the infirmary, recovering from some unknown hell, all she could do was wonder what effect this was going to have on him. She loved him so much, and no matter what he had said to her that night in her dream, or what he may eventually say, she couldn’t help but blame herself for what he was going through.
Wanting to hold up their front, she did her best to keep her visits to the infirmary to an expected level. But at night, with only minimum base personnel, it was easier for her to spend more time with him. Walking down the deserted hallway, Sam listened to the echo of her own footsteps as she moved towards the elevators that would take her to the infirmary. The hallway held a chill in the air, and as she hugged her chest with her arms, she couldn’t help but feel a sense of extreme loneliness. She longed to feel Jack’s arms around her, and in that moment, found herself praying that she would again one day soon.
Five minutes later, she found herself outside the infirmary. Taking a breath, she slowly opened the door, her eyes meeting the interior, which was only dimly lit, mostly from the few monitors that were working throughout the night to monitor the patients they were attached to. Shadows climbed the wall from a few random bedside lamps that had been left on to illuminate the room to a comfortable level.
Opening the door a little wider, she took a deep breath, trying to calm her heart and encourage it to beat at a more normal pace before seeing him. Feeling more in control, she stepped around the door and stopped dead in her tracks. Her heart began to pick up speed again as her eyes and brain registered an empty bed.
Sam stared at the empty bed, a thousand thoughts running through her mind at once. As she considered the possibilities of where he could be, it took a moment to register the voice that was suddenly beside her. “Sam.” Looking to her side, she found Janet standing next to her, eyeing her with a sympathetic look.
Sam cleared her throat. “Janet. Sorry…I didn’t here you come in.” After pausing for a moment to keep her voice from cracking, she continued. “Where is he?”
Janet looked down at the bed in front of them before looking back at Sam, eyeing her carefully. “He checked himself out against my medical advice about two hours ago. I did my best to convince him to stay, but he couldn’t take anymore of this place.”
Sam was instantly worried. “Janet! Why didn’t you come get me? I could have tired to get him to stay. He might have listened to me.”
Janet placed a hand on Sam’s arm. “You don’t know that, and I really don’t think he would have. Sam…he’s suffering from not only the memories of what Baal put him through, but also from withdrawals from the sarcophagus. He’s not thinking clearly.”
Sam couldn’t help the slight agitation in the tone of her voice. “Which is why he shouldn’t have been allowed to leave. You obviously know the state of mind he’s in…who knows what he’ll do!”
Janet kept her voice low as she gripped Sam’s arm with more pressure. “Careful, Sam.” Signaling the cameras watching them with a flick of her eyes, she continued. “I’m sure he’ll be okay. He reassured me that he was just going home to get some rest. I told him that I would be by to check on him tomorrow, and if I couldn’t come, I’d send someone else to check for me.”
Sam took in a breath to calm herself. Nodding at Janet, she responded with a softer voice. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to question you or your judgment. I’m just…worried.”
Janet gave her a sad smile. “I know.” Pausing for a moment, she suddenly got a mischievous look in her eye.
Sam could see that she was thinking about something. Giving her a curious look, Sam questioned her. “What?”
Janet sighed. “Well, as it turns out, I actually have a very full day tomorrow and may not have enough time to stop by his house and check on him. Do you think you could find some time to go and check on the Colonel for me? I know that you have research to work on in your lab, but with SG-1 have some days off due to his recovery…”
Sam smiled back at her. “I think I can find some time to go check on him. Don’t worry…I’ll make sure he’s following your orders.”
Janet nodded, a small grin on her face. “I’m sure you will.”
Twenty minutes later, Sam found herself on the surface, heading towards her car instead of back to her quarters. It might be after 0300 hours, but she wasn’t going to spend one more restless minute of attempted sleep. As she walked through the heavy summer night air, thick with humidity from an approaching storm, she found herself hoping that she would find Jack at home. Otherwise, she would have a lot of searching to do…but she wouldn’t stop until she found him.
**Jack
pressed his hands against the cold, hard stone of floor in his cell. The granite was rough and cut into his
hands, scratching the surface of his skin.
Curling his fingertips against it, he waited for the cell’s gravity to
shift, making the floor one of the walls.
He knew what was coming…expected it like his next breath. They were coming to get him…Baal was ready
for his next torture session.
Without
warning, the gravity in his cell did a bigger shift then he was expecting, and
he suddenly found himself flying through the air, falling into an unknown
darkness. Jack clawed at the air,
unsure of why the guards had not made their usual walk into his cell to escort
him out. He began twisting and turning,
his vision obscured by the blackness surrounding him. The motion was making him sick as the force of his freefall
pulled on the skin of his face, making it tight.
Then
suddenly his back slammed into an iron wall, with the cut out patterns all to
familiar to him. It was the wall in
Baal’s torture chamber, the one he’d been held against by magnetic force
throughout all of his interrogations.
Why Baal had chosen to bring him here this way, he didn’t know, but he
dreaded whatever was in store for him next.
Yet despite that fear, he was determined to meet it with courage, not
really caring how much pain he went though.
The important thing was that no one else that he cared about had to
endure this hell, and that was the most important thing to him.
His body
was suddenly magnetized to the wall, sealing every inch of him to its
surface. In the next moment, the wall
started to turn, spinning it like a top.
As it turned over and over, the surface seemed to be heating up, and
with each passing moment, his skin seemed to burn more. Despite the intense pain, he refused to cry
out. He wasn’t going to give in; he
wasn’t going to allow Baal the pleasure of hearing him in pain. He might succeed in killing him, but he’d
never give him the satisfaction of knowing what he was feeling.
Suddenly,
the spinning stopped. He found himself
staring at the inside of Baal’s chamber once again. The lights that lit it were bright in his eyes compared to the
darkness he’d just let. Squinting, he
did his best to make out shapes around him, trying to keep his mind
stable.
“So,
here we are again.” It was Baal’s
voice, and a moment later, his form came into view. Stepping in front of Jack’s face, only inches from him, he
continued, an evil smile curling his lips.
“And what are we going to learn today?
Cooperation…or pain?”
Jack
found it hard to speak over the thumping in his head from the pain that was
already numbing his body. “Well, since
cooperation is not an option…what kind of pain did you have on the menu
today? Acid… more knives… or maybe a
good old-fashioned whip? I’ll give you
the honor of deciding.”
Baal’s
smiled increased slowly, giving Jack the creeps. After spending a moment studying him, Baal turned around and
walked away a few steps before turning back to him. When he spoke, his voice was sickeningly cheerful. “Actually, I thought a different approach
might be just the thing to spark your cooperation. I’m going to give you one last chance to be honest with me about
why you traveled here. If you can’t be,
I promise you, the consequences will be beyond what you can imagine. And the pain will be something you won’t
ever forget.”
Jack,
tiring of the endless threats from this scum, just stared back. “Go to Hell, you son-of-a-bitch!”
Baal’s
smiled held steady, and with a small nod of his head, responded. “As you wish.” He stepped out of Jack’s view, knowing Jack couldn’t move his
head to the side.
Jack
called out. “Hey! Where ya going? Lose your nerve?” The
beating of his own heart pounding in his ears was all he could make out for a
moment. But then his ears were
penetrated with the shriek of a woman’s terrified scream. Thinking immediately of the slave that had
brought him here, Jack called out. “Hey
you coward! What? Are you afraid that you’ll never break me?”
Baal’s
laughter echoed around the room. “Oh, I
know I’ll break you…the question is, will you be able to live with the
consequences? Let’s find out shall
we?” Just then, Baal appeared in front
of Jack again, this time holding the woman he assumed was Baal’s slave. But what he saw took his breath away. The woman he held against him had several
burn marks all over her arms and neck, and her breathing was labored from
multiple stab wounds underneath her clavicle bones. Blood drained out of the wounds, turning the woman’s face to an
ashen shade of pale white.
But what
had Jack’s heart burning the most was who he recognized underneath that pale
white exterior. Blinking twice, he
realized with an intense horror that the woman was not the slave, but in fact
was Sam. Jack cried out. “Let her go, you bastard! She doesn’t know anything that will help
you!”
Baal’s
voice growled in anger for the first time, surprising Jack. “Don’t take me for a fool. You think that your words will save
her?! You should have thought about
that long before it came to this point!”
Then, in one heart-stopping motion, he took the knife he held against
her throat and sliced it easily across her skin. With her neck gushing blood, Baal let her drop to the floor. She fell to the ground face first, with her
own blood surrounding her body that was now deadly still.
Jack
cried out in horror, his heart bursting out of his chest in an unbelievable
pain. “No, Sam! No!!…”.
Jack bolted upright in his bed, with sweat pouring from his forehead as he struggled to catch his breath. The room was dark, except for an occasional flash of lightning across the sky that lit up his room for one intense, brief moment. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he gripped the mattress at its edge and took in several deep breaths.
Not finding relief, he stood up and moved into the bathroom. Not bothering to turn on the lights, he felt for the sink handles and turned on the cold water. Cupping his hands, he filled them until they were overflowing, and then bent over and threw the water in his face. The shock of the cold liquid against his skin gave his heart a start, and he as he straightened himself back up, he leaned against the wall behind him and let the water slowly soak the collar of his undershirt. Closing his eyes, he tried to erase the nightmare from his mind’s eye, but every time he did, all that he could see was Sam lying in her own pool of blood.
Thunder rumbled loudly outside, causing him to jump. Cursing his own fear, he ran a hand through his hair and headed out of his bedroom and into the living room. The storm outside was growing in intensity, with lightning streaks shooting across the sky at a more frequent rate, illuminating the dark house. Overhead, the rain began to fall onto his roof, with its drops growing heavier and more intense as the seconds passed. Walking to the door that led onto his deck, he watched the now heavily falling rain pound onto the ground. The storm seemed almost ironically soothing to his nerves, and as the lightning lit up the night, the raindrops seemed almost magical and hypnotic.
Still shaken from his nightmare, he unlocked the back door and opened it, letting in a bit of flying rain and wind as he stepped outside into the storm…
Sam pulled into Jack’s driveway and shut off her car. The storm overhead was raging, sending sheets of driving rain down all around her. The thunder was right on top of the lightning, letting her know that the heart of the storm was directly overhead. Not sure of how fast or slow the storm was moving, Sam decided not to wait out its progress in her car.
Deciding it wasn’t worth searching around for an umbrella, Sam grabbed her keys and opened her door, quickly bounding out of the car and shutting the door behind her. Shielding her eyes from the rain, Sam made a dash for the front door of Jack’s house. Once she was underneath the awning, she wiped off her face and arms with her hands, slicking back her partially wet hair at the same time.
As she prepared to ring the doorbell, she looked at her watch and decided to use her key instead. Placing it carefully in the lock, she turned it easily with a click and then reached for the handle. Opening the door quietly, she stepped inside the house. The darkened interior forced her to hold her position for a few seconds while her eyes adjusted. A few sparse nightlights lit the hallway and the kitchen, leaving not a lot of light to move by. Sam suddenly found herself smiling, both happy and amazed that she knew the layout of his home like her own. They had fallen into a familiar pattern in the last few months that felt so right.
Sam moved down the hallway to Jack’s bedroom and quietly entered. As soon as she spotted the empty bed, obviously recently slept in, she began to worry. Where would he have gone in this storm? Then it struck her that he could have decided to go to her house. She panicked because she wanted to be there for him. The last thing he needed was to be possibly seeking her out and not be able to find her.
Turning around she headed back towards the front door. Opening it, she was about to step outside when something out of the corner of her eye caught her attention. Turning towards the kitchen and the back door, she peered into the darkness, searching for something unknown. Just then, a bolt of lightning streaked across the sky, lighting up the night. And in it’s reflection, a dark figure was revealed standing outside on the deck. Sam jumped as the thunder clapped, doing her best to calm her heart as she closed the door again and moved into the kitchen.
Keeping her eyes on the back door, the next flash of lightning revealed to her a better view of who she was looking at. To her shock and surprise, it was Jack, standing out in the storm, staring into the black night before him. Shaking off her disbelief, she immediately went for the door and opened it.
Flipping on the light to the deck, she yelled into the storm. “Jack!” When he didn’t react to her call, she tried again. “Jack! It’s me…Sam!” Still with no response, she stepped into the rain and in two long strides, was at his side.
Placing a hand on his arm, she moved in close enough for him to hear her. “Jack!”
Jack registered her touch and the sound of her voice. Looking over, he met her eyes and just looked at her, amazed that she was there.
As Jack continued to make eye contact with her, the worry in her heart became reflected in her face. “Hey…are you alright?” When he didn’t respond, she placed a hand on his face and offered him a soft smile. “Come on…let’s go inside. Don’t you think it’s a little wet out here?” Not waiting for a response, she found his hand and laced her fingers gently through his. Tugging gently, she led him inside from the rain.
Once they were inside, Sam closed the door behind them and again ran her hands through her now soaking wet hair. As she wiped the water from her face, her hands stopped mid action as her eyes caught sight of Jack. He stood in the middle of the living room, dripping water all around him and seemingly not even noticing it. Sniffing, she moved over to him and gripped his face with both her hands, looking directly into his eyes. “Jack. Are you okay? Talk to me…please!”
Jack blinked and sniffed. It was the first real reaction she’d seen from him since she spotted him outside. When he finally spoke, his voice was raspy. “What’s there to talk about?”
It took Sam a moment to truly believe that he really sounded so uncaring. “Well, for starters, how about what you were doing out in the middle of this raging storm at 0400 hours?”
Jack ran a hand through his hair and gripped the side of his head, squinting his eyes. “Ahhh…apparently getting a headache.” Shaking his head, he looked into Sam’s face, really seeing her for the first time. “Hey. I’m sorry. I guess I…I don’t know.” Suddenly remembering his nightmare, he turned around and sat down on the couch, falling back into it. “I’d had a nightmare and I guess I needed some air.”
Sam squatted down in front of him. “It must have been some nightmare. Jack, look at me.” She waited until Jack made eye contact with her. “Why did you leave the base without telling me? You had to know that it would only cause me to worry more about you.”
Jack took her hands in his as they were lying on his knees and squeezed them. “I’m sorry. I should have told you. But I just had to get out of there…get to a place where I could get some real sleep…or so I thought.”
Sam stood up and sat down next to him, turning her body towards him. “What was the nightmare about?”
Jack looked over at her briefly before standing up and moving into the kitchen. “You want something to drink? How ‘bout an early breakfast?”
Sam got up and followed him into the kitchen. Leaning against the door jam, she watched him fish out a can of coffee grounds from the cupboard. “Coffee’s fine.” Hesitating for a moment, she continued, trying to keep her voice soft but steady. “Jack, you didn’t answer my question.”
Jack took a brief pause in his scooping of the coffee grounds before answering her. “It was just a bad dream…I don’t really remember much about it.”
Sam gave him a disappointed look. “Why don’t I believe you?” Sighing softly, she continued. “Jack, don’t shut me out now. Not when you need me…even if you don’t know you need me.”
Jack finished setting up the coffee pot and turned it on. Turning towards her, he let a few minutes float by while he collected his thoughts. “I was dreaming about my time spent in Baal’s fortress…basically reliving what happened.”
Sam could feel her throat close up with emotion. “And what did happen exactly.”
Jack took a hard look at her before answering. “You don’t want to know. It was…difficult, but now it’s over.”
Sam just shook her head. “Jack, I deserve more than that. And I would bet anything that ‘difficult’ is as far from the real truth as you can get.” Hesitating for a moment, she went on, this time with a little less vigor. “Besides, ultimately I was the one who got you into that situation, so I think I deserve to know the truth about what you went through.”
In three long strides, Jack was in front of her, gripping her shoulders hard and staring her down without blinking. “Now you listen to me. You had nothing to do with what happened to me. Saving my life by convincing me to get a temporary symbiote was an incredibly brave thing to do. It’s bravery I’m not sure I could have faced like you did. As for what happened after that, it’s called fate, and something we couldn’t have predicted happening.”
Jack waited for understanding to dawn in her eyes. When only tears began to sparkle in her rims, he relaxed his hold on her shoulders and softened his face. “Com’ here.” Pulling her to him, he enveloped her in his arms and held her against him, burying his face against her neck.
Sam closed her eyes and took in his scent, having missed it for what seemed like forever. After a moment she pulled back and searched his face. “I’m sorry, Jack. I just missed you so much. I was going crazy not knowing if I’d ever see you again. And it was so hard to hold up the front I put on when I’m on base. I just wanted to curl up into a corner and cry.”
Jack bent down and kissed her softly. Pulling back, he gave her a soft smile. “But you didn’t, and thanks to you, I managed to escape Baal.”
Sam smiled back at him. “It was a combined effort.” Pausing for a moment, she continued. “I just want to know what happened so I can understand your pain more. I’m not trying to push you to open up, but I’m afraid if you don’t, it will eat you up inside. And then…Baal wins.”
Jack thought on those last words and nodded. “Okay.” Moving back to the coffee pot, he poured two cups and walked back over to the kitchen table. Handing Sam her cup, he walked past her into the living room. Finding his spot on the couch, he sat down and got comfortable, waiting for Sam to join him. When she did, he looked over at her and studied her face for a moment, wanting to remember it before she knew the details of what had happened. Taking a breath, he looked away and began recounting what he could recall.
After twenty minutes had past, and Jack had slowly recounted what details he could remember, he stopped, allowing the silence of the now quiet room to fill in around them. Afraid to look over at Sam, he took a breath and dug for his courage. When he finally looked over at her, instead of seeing what he assumed would be pity, he only saw two single tears running down the soft skin of her pinkish cheeks. Taking one of his hands, he used his thumb to wipe a tear away. “Sam…”
Sam gave him a quick smile and wiped at her other tear. “I’m sorry. I guess I just never imagined there could be such a…monster. To kill you over and over, and then bring you back…” Hugging her chest, she continued. “I can’t believe how many times I almost lost you.”
Jack’s face winced in remembrance. Sam, catching the reaction, reached out a hand to him. “What?” When he looked at her with something unfamiliar in his eyes, she spoke again, this time in more of a whispered time. “There’s more…isn’t there.”
Jack had hoped he wouldn’t have to explain what he had felt at the end, but he could see his own expression had given him away. And he couldn’t keep his feelings a secret from her forever. Standing up he moved over to the window and looked up into the night, watching the stars slowly appear as the clouds began to break up from the storm. “Looks like the rain has finally stopped.”
Sam moved over to join him. “More is forecasted for today. Apparently, were in for a few wet summer days.”
Jack searched the sky, hoping to find Charlie’s star to give him strength. “That’s going to make for some really muddy conditions.” Looking over at Sam, he could see that she was patiently waiting for an answer to her question. Leaning a shoulder against the window, he turned towards her, his head hung. When he spoke, his voice was soft and unsure. “Look, Sam…after repeatedly being tortured and killed, only to be brought back to have it done all over again, I came to a decision that I never thought I would.”
Sam only continued to watch him, listening quietly. Jack took another moment to collect his thoughts. “I decided that if I had to go through one more torture session, I’d…I was going to give Baal what he wanted to know…why Kanan had come back.”
Sam touched his arm lightly. “Jack, anybody who went through what you did would have come to the same conclusions.”
Jack looked up at her. “You don’t understand. If I had told him about the slave…about the love between them…he would have not only killed her, but me as well.”
Sam shook her head. “Jack…”
Jack shook off her touch. “It wasn’t me, don’t you get it?!” His voice had become deeper and filled with anger. “I was ready to let someone die at the hands of Baal. And me along with them.”
Sam was trying to understand his pain. “Jack, please, you had no choice. If anyone else had had to go through what you did, they would have given up after the first time they were revived.”
Jack moved away from the window and slammed his cup down on the end table. Turning around, he looked directly at her. “I was ready to die! After all my black ops, after all my training, all the times that we have almost died and managed to survive, I was ready to die.” Seeing that Sam was about to speak, he held up his hand. “No! Let me finish…by me giving up, it meant…it meant that I was giving up on us as well.” Hanging his head again in exhaustion from having to physically say what he had only ever thought, he waited for a response. When none came, he looked up.
Sam had turned around and was now staring up at the sky just as Jack had been moments before. She could feel his eyes on the back of her head, waiting for an answer. Not knowing how to respond, she searched the sky for an answer, but found nothing. Another storm front was beginning to roll in, covering the sky once again and concealing any stars hanging from the heavens.
Taking a breath, she turned around to face him. Searching for the right words, she tired to say something that would hopefully ease the tension. “You had no choice. You had already died so many times…that would take a toll on anyone’s faith in living.”
Jack stuffed his hands in the pockets of his pajama pants. “Don’t try and smooth over the situation, Sam, not you. It’s not in your nature. And besides, I don’t deserve it.”
Sam moved over to him, her voice unsteady. “Jack…I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that my heart doesn’t ache from what you just told me, because it does. But that doesn’t mean we can’t move past this. What we have is stronger than any moment life may throw at us.”
Jack spoke up too quickly. “I’m not so sure of that anymore.” After speaking, he immediately regretted his words. Looking up at Sam, he could see she was stunned by what he had just said. “Look…I’m sorry. I’m tired and still trying to figure things out. You should probably go.”
Sam felt like he had just slapped her in the face. “Jack, I’m not leaving you to deal with this on your own.”
Jack shook his head. “I’ll be fine. I just need some time. I’ll see you at the base…probably later today.” Walking over to the front door, he opened it and looked back at her. “Drive safe.” As he watched Sam slowly join him, fresh tears welling up in her eyes, he hated hurting her like he was. Placing a hand on her cheek, he moved his fingers down her skin. “I’m sorry. I just need some time alone. We’ll talk later.” Relinquishing his touch, he watched as she moved onto the front porch and turned around.
Sam’s eyes searched his, disbelieving what was happening. “I love you. Please remember that. I’m here for you…always.” At her words, she turned around and walked down the stairs and then became enveloped by the dark of the night.
Jack shut the door and leaned heavily against it. Sliding down to the floor, he brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, settling his chin down on top of his knees. He loved her so much, and hurting her was something he knew he couldn’t always protect her from. But why did he have to say what he just did? His mind ran through a thousand thoughts, but they were all mixed together, and not clear enough to decipher.
Deciding he’d had enough for one night, he headed back to his bedroom, hoping that his exhaustion would take over his right to dream. Maybe in a few hours he would see things more clearly. He could only hope for both of their sakes that he would.
Exiting the interior of the base, Sam stepped outside and took in a deep breath. The air was heavy with humidity and smelled of more rain to come. Yet despite the damp conditions, Sam felt she needed a reprieve from the day. Dark gray clouds hung low overhead, heavy with moisture. Starting out into the parking lot with her running gear on, Sam headed for the trail that was on the far side, the one that she and Jack had run on together after he had returned from being trapped on Endora. She needed to clear her head. After the conversation she’d had with Jack early that morning, she hadn’t been able to focus on much else. She had only been able to get a few hours of sleep, tossing and turning the whole time. When she finally gave up trying to get anymore, she got dressed and headed to the base.
But by mid-afternoon, the weariness she had been avoiding was finally setting in, so she decided to get in a run to clear her head and hopefully gather some much needed energy. As she walked through the lot, stretching as she went, she wasn’t paying attention to her surroundings. Without warning, she suddenly ran into a roadblock. Looking up, she found Jack in front of her. Startled, she looked up into his face and gave him a smile. “Sorry, I didn’t see you.”
Jack gave her a small smile. “No problem. I wasn’t really looking myself.”
Sam looked him over. She could see the fatigue in his eyes and face. He had apparently gotten about as little sleep as she had. It made the distress she’d been trying to avoid feeling surface. “Jack, you look tired.”
Jack looked into her face and the memories of that morning came flooding back. Not knowing quite what to say yet, he answered as best he could. “I guess I didn’t get enough sleep.” Hesitating, he continued. “I would imagine you didn’t either, considering it looks like you’ve been here for a while.”
Sam surprised herself by ushering a quick yawn. Quickly covering it, she looked up at him and laughed lightly. “I guess you’re right.” Looking ahead of her, she nodded in the direction she had been heading. “I’m on my way to gather some energy. Want to join me for a quick run?”
Jack peered up at the clouds. “It looks like it could rain at any minute. Are you sure you want to go now?”
Sam gave him a half smile and shrugged her shoulders. “Sure. I’m always up for an adventure.” Wanting to say so much more, she took a breath. “Look, Jack, about last night, I…”
Jack held up a hand. “I should be the one apologizing, Sam.” As Sam’s face lightened, he quickly continued. “But…I still don’t know what to make of everything that has taken place.”
Sam’s smile faded. “Well, where do we go from here?”
Jack shook his head. “I’m not sure. I need to sort through the nightmares first. And I don’t want to do that with you because I’ll just end up hurting you like I did earlier this morning.”
Sam could feel the emotion returning to her throat. “Jack, do you love me or not?” Her voice was a bit shaky but sure in its intent.
Jack looked directly at her. “You know I do. It’s just that…”
Sam interrupted him. “No, Jack, there are no ‘just that’s’…love should be enough to get use through the worst. I thought that had already been shown to you after all that we’ve been through.” Taking a breath, she calmed her voice. “I can’t imagine what horrors you’re having to relive because of what Baal put you through, but I’m not going to let you go through it alone, no matter how stubborn you are. Think about that.”
With one last look, she moved past him and started out the rest of the way for the trail at a jog. Wanting to look back, she was too afraid to do so and find that Jack hadn’t been affected by what she had just said. She had to go by her faith that their love would ultimately win over the confusion he was experiencing.
Jack watched her go until she turned onto the trail and disappeared behind a curve. Turning around, he looked at the base in front of him and suddenly got a sickening feeling in his gut. He could no more go inside there then he could find a ray of sunshine on this dismal day.
Fishing back out his keys, he unlocked his truck and climbed in. Bringing the truck to life, he flipped on the radio, hoping to drown out his thoughts. But as the music began to float through the air, the words of the song that had just started suddenly got his attention:
Sometimes I wonder
How I’d ever make it through
Through this world
Without having you
I just wouldn’t have a clue
Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world’s closing in on
me
And there’s no way of breaking
free
And then I see you reach out for
me
Sometimes I wanna give up
Wanna give in
And one look at you baby
Can make everything alright
Can make everything alright
When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh, you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining
Right through the rain
When I see you smile
Baby, when I see you smile at me
Oh yeah
Baby there’s nothing in this
world that could ever do
What the touch of your hand can
do
It’s like nothing that I ever
knew
Ooooohhhh
And when the rain is falling
I don’t feel it
Cause you’re here with me
And one look at you baby
It’s all I’ll ever need
All I’ll ever need
When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
Jack turned off the truck and looked out of the driver’s side window at the direction Sam had just gone. “Damn,” Jack said out loud to himself, “what have I been doing? I’m stronger than this.” Jack grabbed his keys from the ignition and opened his door. Climbing down, he shut the door and started out towards the trail at a brisk walk. Overhead, distant thunder rolled overhead and a few scattered drops of rain began to fall from the sky. Sensing that the storm was going to get worse, Jack picked up his pace to a light jog. He wanted to find her before it became too bad. He had to show her that he wasn’t going to let some snakehead destroy who he was, or what they had. And she was the very reason for that courage.
Sam felt the first drops of rain hit her head. The thunder rolled overhead and gave her cause to slow her pace. But with so much frustration and emotion rolling through her head, she wasn’t going to stop just yet. She needed to really clear her head. Otherwise, she felt that she wouldn’t be able to stop her emotions from getting the better of her.
As she continued on, the rain came down more relentlessly, driving sharp drops of water against her skin. As it pelted her progress, she put her hand to her forehead to shield her eyes from the rain. After a few more minutes, it became impossible to see the trail in front of her. Fog had settled in quickly along with the driving rain, and the wind had picked up to a considerable pace. Deciding she needed to turn around, she changed her direction and attempted a light jog.
The gravel beneath her shoes had become soft again, already saturated from the previous rain that had been falling most of the night. As she went, her shoes sopped loudly in the quickly pooling mud, and she finally stopped again, taking her pace at a walk. Lightning cracked over her head above the tree line, sending a resounding clap of thunder in its wake. Looking around, she could barely see the lake to her right and knew that she was only about a mile and a half from the entrance to the trail.
Moving forward, she took a few more steps when suddenly her foot hit a soft spot on the trail. Before she could think, the ground beneath her suddenly collapsed. Clawing at the air, she let out an instinctive scream as she fell beneath the surface, and down about eight feet into a sinkhole. Hitting the bottom of the hole with a thud, she rolled onto her back and laid there for a few moments, her body screaming in pain from the sudden shock of hitting the ground. With the wind knocked out of her, all she could do was collect her breath as rain from above continued to fall on her, mixed with dark mud as it dripped from the walls around her.
Sitting up slowly, she gathered her senses as she looked around. She appeared to be in a hole that had accidentally been bridged over by the trail above. But with all the rain, it had made that bridge soft, and she had just been unlucky enough to be the one to make it collapse. She knew she was close to the edge of the lake, and could only hope that the wall of mud separating her from the lake water was solid.
As if her bad luck was a curse, a bolt of lightning from above split the sky and came shooting down, striking an area very near to her position. The ground temporarily shook from the jolt of electricity, and as the thunder cracked like a whip above her, a part of the wall she had hoped was solid began to split. Suddenly, the wall separating her from the lake began to leak with water, and before she knew it, a hole in the wall broke through and water came pouring in. Her first thought was that the lightning must have struck the side of the lake, forcing the ground to collapse even more. The only good thing was that she could tread water until the hole filled up.
Standing up, she took a step to center herself with the opening above. When she did, her foot suddenly sunk fast. Falling to one knee, she tried to shift her weight to prevent it from sinking any further. When it seemed to have stopped, she moved her body to the right to give her more leverage to pull her foot out. But when she tried it, she suddenly hit something hard as she pulled her foot up.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” She couldn’t believe her luck. As the water continued pouring in, Sam tried to stand up and found that she couldn’t. Her leg had sunken into the mud up to mid calf. With the water already up to her waist, Sam began to panic. She was alone on a trail in the middle of a bad storm. Her odds didn’t look good. With nothing to lose, she started to call out as loudly as she could. “Help! Someone…help!” Her voice echoed loudly around her, making her efforts seem pointless. From her perspective, it didn’t look good.
Jack couldn’t believe that Sam was out in this weather, but he hadn’t seen any sign of her since he had started on the trail. Visibility was down to nothing, and the rain felt like knives driving into his skin. But he wasn’t going to stop. He had to find her. Rather it was the storm rattling his nerves or something more, he knew something was wrong.
“Sam! Sam! Where are you?” He tried to listen for any response, but the thunder was too loud, and with the wind and rain wiping around him, he could hardly hear anything at all. As he continued a light jog with his head slightly bent down against the rain, he continued to call out, hoping against hope that Sam would somehow hear him.
Reaching the lake, he slowed to a stop to catch his breath and look around. There could be places that she could have taken shelter around that area, but where, he didn’t know. “Carter! Can you hear me?”
Sam, now almost neck deep in water, paused in her splashing and listened. She could have sworn she heard someone calling her name. Suddenly, she heard it again and recognized the voice instantly. Tears of joy welled up in her eyes. Finding her voice, she yelled out wildly. “Jack! I’m here! Jack…help me!”
Jack heard her voice and couldn’t believe how close it was. As she continued calling out, he finally realized that it was coming up from the ground in front of him. Worry immediately hit him like a brick. Something was wrong. The panic in her voice was too erratic for her. Peering closely at the ground, the fog suddenly revealed what appeared to be the edge of a hole.
Getting down on his hands and knees, he crawled to the edge until he was able to look over. When he did, he heart picked up its pace tremendously. There was Sam, at the bottom of a deep hole, with her body submerged in water up to her neck. And it was rising quickly.
“Sam! Are you alright?” She looked physically okay, but something had to be wrong since she wasn’t rising with the water.
Sam nodded up at him. The rain was still falling, but not as heavily. “I think so. But I’ve got a small problem…my foot is wedged in the ground and I can’t free it.”
Jack looked at the hole that was dumping in water faster than he could breathe and starting looking for a way to get her out. “Yeah…I’d say that’s a problem. Can you dig your foot out at all?”
Sam shook her head. “No. I’ve tried, but every time I adjust my weight, it just gets deeper.”
Jack was trying to keep himself as calm as he could in order to keep her calm. “Okay…well, don’t move anymore. I’ll think of something.” Looking around, he tried to find anything that could aid him in that mission. He had rope in his truck, but there was no time to go back for it. If he did, by the time he got back, Sam would be underwater. Looking over at some nearby trees, he thought he saw something that might help. Looking down at Sam, he called down to her. “Hold on! I think I may see something that can help.”
Sam watched him disappear from the top. Her mind was racing with possibilities of what could happen in the next few minutes, both good and bad. Suddenly, without warning, her foot sunk two inches deeper, and it was enough for her swallow a mouth full of water. Coughing and sputtering, she tried to call out, but every time she opened her mouth, more water came in. Her last means of breathing was through her nose, and she’d already begun to take in water through that passageway as well. She was going to drown, and there was nothing either she or Jack could do about it.
Jack finished cutting down the vine with his knife that he had found hanging from one of the trees and let it fall to the ground as he quickly climbed down off the branch he was on. Grabbing the vine, he ran back over to the hole. Looking down over its edge, what he saw was nothing short of horrific. “Oh, my God! SAM!!” The waterline was past her mouth and almost over her nose. With no time to waste, he quickly surveyed the area around him for a place to anchor the vine from.
Luckily, there was a nearby tree stump off the edge of the lake that appeared to be solid enough. Quickly tying it on, he pulled on it with the adrenaline pumping through his veins to make sure it was strong enough to hold two people. There wasn’t time to try and see if she could pull herself up. He wasn’t even sure she was still conscious. With that thought on his mind, he could feel his heart pounding out of his chest as he grabbed onto the vine and began to slide down its length into the hole. He couldn’t lose her now. There was too much left unsaid between them…and most of it had to be said by him.
Touching down, he splashed into the water next to her. Letting go of the vine, he grabbed her around her waist and pulled up. Her head moved up enough to surface above the water level. Coughing wildly, she looked around trying to get her bearings and discovered Jack in front of her. “Jack! You’re here!” Reaching out, she briefly touched his face.
Jack tried to give her a reassuring smile. “I didn’t have anywhere else to be.” Pausing for a moment to look around, he continued. “I’m going to go under and see about getting your foot free. Use your hands to push up off my back for more height. Whatever you do, stay alive. I’m not going to lose you this way. We survived the last near drowning together, and we’re going to survive this one.” Giving her a quick kiss, he took a deep breath and submerged himself under water.
Sam could feel Jack working around her foot, pulling up on her ankle with one hand as he dug with the other. As the water continued to rise up again towards her mouth, she couldn’t help but remember their recent experience at the bottom of the ocean. As the water had increased on the ship, Jack had done everything he could to keep her calm: his little smiles, his joking manner…even in the face of danger. She loved him for that, and as the water had gone over their heads, submerging them completely with no way out, he had stayed right next to her side. A thousand thoughts had run through her mind at that moment, but one had stood out the most: that if she was going to die, she felt almost a strange sort of peace knowing that he was by her side. If she had ever questioned her feelings for him, that realization had sealed them in her heart.
As Jack surfaced for a breath of air, they made eye contact for a brief moment before Sam’s head suddenly slipped underwater. “Damnit!” Jack had managed to dig out most of the mud around her foot, but her shoe was still stuck in between a large root. Taking out his knife, he opened the blade and held it in his hand. Taking a deep breath, he went underwater and gripped the back of her neck with his free hand. With his lips on hers, he blew in what breath he had collected before surfacing again for another quick breath.
Diving down to the bottom, he grabbed the root in his free hand and began to cut, using all the strength he had. Luckily for him, the root had been softened by the amount of water it had been soaking in. After about 30 seconds, the knife finally cut through. Yanking on it hard, he made enough room to work her foot free. Once it was free, he swam for the surface, grabbing onto her waist as he went, pulling her up with him. Reaching the surface, he found that the water had filled the hole almost ¾ of the way to the top.
Noticing that Sam had gone limp in his arms, he panicked and called out to her. “Sam! Don’t you do this…not after all the digging I did.” Treading water, he held her against him as best he could with one hand, and with the other, plugged her nose and gave her two more deep breaths.
As he prepared to give her another breath, she suddenly sputtered and coughed, gasping for air. “Sam! That’s it, baby, come on, breathe. You’re going to be okay.”
When Sam seemed to have caught enough of her breath, she looked at Jack and relief seemed to wash over her face. Reaching out for him, she put her arms around his neck and held on. “God, I thought that was it…I thought I’d never see you again.”
Jack held her tight. “I’m sorry it took me so long to cut you free.” Jack pulled back and held her face in his hands. “I could lose you. I can’t have you dying on me after I made such an ass of myself to you.”
Sam gave him a quick laugh. “Well, how about we get out of here first and then I’ll let you make it up to me.”
Jack nodded. “It’s a deal.” With them almost to the top, they didn’t have far to climb up the vine to the top. Jack went first, and after reaching the top, he quickly turned around and pulled Sam up the rest of the way. Once she was at the top, they both collapsed on the ground, grateful to be on more solid ground.
Jack rolled over to his hands and knees and sat on the ground, pulling her up against him. Wrapping his arms around her, he held her tightly in the now gently falling rain, kissing the top of her head and then using his hand to smooth her hair back from her face. When she looked up at him, he didn’t waste the moment with words. Instead, he captured her lips, kissing her softly at first, and then with more hunger. After another passionate moment, they both broke for air, continuing to hold onto each other.
Jack, finally finding his voice, spoke up. “Let’s get you back to the base and have Doc check you out.”
Sam quickly nodded her head. “No, I’m fine. Just take me home…but, you have to promise me that you’ll stay for at least a little while.”
Jack gave her a small smile. “I’ll stay for however long you need me.”
Sam smiled back. “Well, in that case…how ‘bout forever.”
Sam stepped out of her bedroom and made her way to the living room. After having spent part of the day in the rain and mud, not to mention almost drowning, the long, hot shower she had just taken felt like a dream. After slipping into her cotton pajamas, she could only think of one thing more that would make her even more relaxed: having Jack in her arms.
As she entered the living room, she found him with his back to her, staring out of the window. Walking up to him quietly, she put a hand over his eyes and whispered in his ear. “Guess who?”
A small smile formed on Jack’s lips. “Hmm…is it that hot checker from the grocery store?”
Sam slapped him on the shoulder as she pulled her hand away from his eyes. “Jack O’Neill, that’s not funny!”
Jack turned around with a coy smile on his face. “Or maybe…it’s the most beautiful woman in the world.” Jack then bent down and gave her a gentle, feathery kiss on the lips.
As he pulled back, Sam could feel her lips ringing with the sensation he had just left her with. Looking up at him, she gave him a loving smile. “Well, I guess you’re forgiven.”
Jack’s smile seemed to fade some as he took her in his arms and held her against him. Inhaling deeply, he could smell the apple shampoo and cucumber lotion coming off her warm skin. Memorizing the scent, he pulled back and looked into her eyes, cupping her face with his hand. “Sam. I love you so much.”
Sam smiled back at him. “And I love you.” Leaning in for a kiss, she was surprised when he suddenly pulled back and walked over to the couch. Watching his expression change, she moved over to him and sat down. “Jack, what’s bothering you?”
Jack stared at his hands. “I almost lost you today…again. It was like I was reliving when we were trapped underwater on that mothership. All I could keep thinking was that what was happening couldn’t be real…that we had so much more to experience together. And if Thor hadn’t built in that safety protocol, we wouldn’t be here having this conversation.”
Sam put a hand on his arm. “Jack…”
Jack shook his head. “No, Sam, let me finish. Today I felt no different, except for the fact that you were the one drowning…and I was the cause.”
Sam gripped his arm firmly. “No, Jack, that wasn’t your fault. I chose to go running in that weather, not you.”
Jack sighed. “Sam, if I had gone with you, you wouldn’t have gotten caught in that hole. But I was too stubborn by allowing myself to wallow in self pity to see how much I had hurt you.”
Sam took his hand and held it against her heart. “First of all, if you had been with me, then maybe we would have both been trapped with no one to save us. And secondly, I wouldn’t call what you went through with Baal’ nothing. Most men would have given in, but you didn’t. You held on long enough for us to save you. And that kind of bravery can only be found in the best of men.”
Jack started to speak, but Sam cut him off by placing a finger to his lips. “Jack, I don’t expect you to heal overnight, and I don’t expect you to heal in the next week, month, or maybe even year. But I want you to remember that I’m here for you, and when you’re ready to move past what happened, I’ll be here to celebrate with you. Until then, remember that I’m not going anywhere, and that will remain true for as long as you need me.”
Jack took her in his arms and held her tightly against him. “I don’t deserve you.” Pausing for a moment, he continued. “Just give me time…time to sort through all that happened with Baal’. I guess I just need your patience and understanding on this.”
Sam nuzzled into his neck. “You’ve got it. You can take as much time as you need to figure things out, with or without me. Just please remember that I’m not going anywhere, and as for you not deserving me, well…I can’t think of anything I deserve more than your endless love, and I feel confident that you can give me that.”
Jack stared out over her head. “I don’t know what the future holds, Sam, but I can tell you that I’ll do all I can to keep your love.” Kissing the top of her head, he reclined back with her on his chest and sighed softly, whispering his next words so faintly, he didn’t think Sam could hear him. “I only hope that I won’t disappoint you.”
Sam made out Jack’s last words but chose not to say anything. She knew he was still hurting from everything he’d been through. The only thing she could do for now was to be there for him and support him through this hard time any way that she could. Their love she didn’t doubt; she just hoped that whatever the future did hold, it wouldn’t be too much for them to handle. Baal had scarred Jack’s soul in a way she couldn’t heal. The damage had been done, but she had to keep the faith that their love would prove stronger than anything that might come their way. Only time would tell.
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