Soul Searching

Title: Soul Searching

Author: Suz W.

Feedback: Your thoughts are appreciated!

Spoilers: After Entity (episode tag)

Rating: PG-13, S/J Angst and Hurt/Comfort.

Summary: Jack searches his soul for answers as Sam recovers from being possessed by the entity.

Disclaimer: All publicity recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended.

Copyright: The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. Copyrighted on June 7, 2004, by Suzanne R. Whitmarsh.

Author’s Notes: This story follows “When Destiny Comes Calling”. This new story conveys a lot of different emotions. My hope is that you will feel apart of the story, experiencing the emotions as you read them, and that will then bring you closer to our favorite couple and their plight. I also want to thank the hard efforts of the Yahoo Group SG-1 Transcripts team for the transcript to this episode. Enjoy this latest story, and remember, feedback is always welcomed and greatly appreciated!

Dedication: This story is dedicated to SNY!! Thank you so much for the amazing trailers you made for this series! I truly appreciate you sharing your gift of making videos with all of us. You are helping us to experience Stargate SG-1 and my series on a much deeper level! Keep up the great work!!

The quiet of the infirmary penetrated Jack’s ears to the very core. The only sounds that were present was the constant beep-beep-beep of Sam’s heart monitor, and the footsteps of the night nurse as she went to check on the few patients she had to keep watch over. Sam was sleeping, her breaths coming in soft waves as her body began the healing process. Having her body invaded by a foreign entity, her consciousness then transferred out of her body and into a computer, and finally transferred back to her own damaged body had taken it’s toll. After initially having awoken once the transfer of her consciousness had been complete, Sam had fallen into a deep sleep of what Dr. Fraiser termed a state of recovery.

Jack rubbed his hands over his face and then through his hair. He was tired, so tired. But he refused to leave her side. Once she had been returned to the infirmary from the M.A.L.P. room, Jack promptly pulled up a chair and sat down. No one had even argued with him; they could all see how torn up he was about what had happened and what he had been forced to do.

Watching Sam’s sleeping face, he reached out and brushed her hand with his fingers. He’d almost lost her. The knowledge of that made his heart ache to a depth of feeling he hadn’t experienced since losing Charlie. But the hardest thing to swallow was that he had been the ultimate cause of Sam almost losing her life.

This day had started so simply, so routinely. How had it gotten so out of control? Could he have done something different, anything, to prevent the one person who had shown him how to love again from almost losing her life? Jack sat back and closed his eyes, allowing his mind to find the memory of how it all began.

Jack looked at the mass of wires, monitors, and computer gizmos with utter astonishment. “What is it?”

Sam had the same look of disbelief on her face. Shaking her head slowly, she responded. “I don’t know, Sir. I think we robed the alien program of an environment, so it created one.”

Teal’c’s voice suddenly echoed ominously off the walls of the M.A.L.P. room. “It appears to be sustaining itself from the electrical power of the emergency light system.”

Sam spoke up, her voice still latent with shock from the sight before them. “It must have got into the M.A.L.P.’s…survived on battery power while we were shut down, and built this…memory mainframe while we were on emergency power.”

Jack looked over at her and gave her a ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’ look. “Memory mainframe?”

Sam looked over at him with more certainty. “I know for a fact we wiped out a ton of it. This program must use incredible compression. It must be able to reproduce itself from a fraction of its original size. And now it’s expanding into whatever available memory it can find.”

Jack just shrugged. “Okay.” Reaching up for his radio, Jack clicked it on. “General, we’re gonna need some Claymores down here.”

General Hammond’s voice responded over the radio. “I’m on my way.”

Sam immediately looked over at him in surprise. She couldn’t believe what she had just heard. He couldn’t be thinking of doing what she thought he was.

Daniel spoke up, confirming Sam’s fears. “You wanna blow it up?”

Jack looked over at him with a certainty in his eyes. “Yes.”

Daniel gave him a look of disbelief. “Why?”

Jack raised his eyebrows, considering the question ridiculous. “Why?”

Sam didn’t wait for Daniel to answer. “Sir, we’ve completely isolated this area of the base. There is no chance of reinfection of our computers.

Jack looked over at her. He knew that curiosity was apart of being a scientist, but he couldn’t believe she wasn’t siding with him on this one. While she gave him a pleading look to understand and agree with her, Daniel spoke up.

“It’s obviously trying to survive.” Daniel knew his voice was slightly agitated, but he was tired of constantly defending other races against Jack’s lack of patience and understanding.

Jack turned his head and looked at Daniel, his voice raised. “So do bacteria.”

Suddenly, Sam noticed her file pop up on the computer screen in front of them. Using that as an example, she pointed it out to Jack. “It’s trying to communicate.”

Jack turned his head back to her, his voice acting before his brain had a chance to realize what he was saying. “So do bact…”.

Sam knew Jack’s stubborn side very well, but she wasn’t going to just let him blow this up before she had a chance to explore its possibilities. “Sir, I agree with Daniel.” By the look on Jack’s face, Sam knew he didn’t like hearing that. But she went on. “This is a life form, obviously intelligent. Now, we have been in the exact same position as this alien entity I don’t know how many times. On another planet, cut off from our world, trying to stay alive.”

Before Jack had a moment to process what she was saying, General Hammond joined them. His face mimicked the same shock theirs had had only moments before. “What in God’s name?”

Jack motioned to the mess in front of them. “Well, General, whatever got into our computers has apparently…built a nest.” Jack really didn’t know how else to describe it.

General Hammond looked at him. “Overnight?”

Sam answered for Jack. “According to the security log, there hasn’t been any human activity in the M.A.L.P. room for over 36 hours.”

Jack decided now was as good a time as any to inform the general of the mix of ideas they each had for their new guest. “For the record, Sir, I want to blow it to Hell. These folks wanna chat with it.”

General Hammond hesitated for a moment before directing his question to Major Carter. “Are you absolutely certain it can’t reconnect to our computers?”

Jack looked over at General Hammond with surprise. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “General?”

Sam quickly answered the general before Jack had any chance of swaying his mind in the other direction. “It’s surviving on an emergency circuit which is battery powered, so it’s isolated from the rest of the base. We can kill it just by severing that connection.” Sam pointed at the power line running from the emergency light.

General Hammond looked at Major Carter again. “How do you intend to proceed?”

Sam shrugged. “Well, Sir, it’s provided an interface. I’d like to at least try to make contact with it. If anything goes wrong, we just cut the power.”

General Hammond nodded. “Very well.”

Sam let her gun fall to her side as she moved over to the keyboard. Glancing behind her, her eyes met with Jack’s. He gave her a quick look of disapproval before moving over to a nearby utility shelf and picked up a large pair of cutters. Once he was positioned to cut the wire, she began typing.

“ ‘What is your purpose here?’” Watching the computer screen, Sam read its response. “ ‘What is yours?’”

Sam was surprised by the answer. Not knowing quite how to respond, she looked back at Daniel, Teal’c and General Hammond.

Daniel spoke up. “Maybe it’s trying to figure out why we sent a probe to its world.”

Sam turned her attention back to the screen and took a breath before typing again. “ ‘We are explorersssssss…’” Sam no longer had control, and before she knew it, electrical impulses were ripping through her body, causing pain and confusion. Her mind seemed to be fading, as if she were losing all ability to think. She barely heard General Hammond’s voice.

“Major Carter?”

She wanted to respond, wanted to cry out for help, but she couldn’t. As her mind kept fading, she registered Jack’s desperate call. It sounded to her as if they were in a tunnel, and she was moving further and further away from him.

“Carter!!” Jack could see something was wrong. Not wasting another precious moment, he took all his strength and cut the wire a quickly as he could. Sparks flew, and the lights went out. Dropping the cutters, he reached her just in time before she hit the ground. Cradled in his arms, he laid her down as flashlights illuminated her unconscious form.

General Hammond’s voice could be heard talking on the phone. “Medical team to the M.A.L.P. room immediately!”

Jack thought his heart was going to pound out of his chest. “Carter, can you hear me?” Teal and Daniel had joined him, huddled around their fallen teammate. But there was no response. Jack felt helpless watching her lying there. It was all his fault.

Jack opened his eyes again and looked down at Sam. It had been all his fault. If he hadn’t allowed her to try and communicate with it, she wouldn’t be in this situation. Why hadn’t he been more persistent in his point of view? He should have argued until he was blue in the face. His gut instinct had warned him not to let her do it, but he hadn’t listened hard enough.

Looking around the room, he checked to make sure they were alone for the moment, and that the security camera was temporarily pointed in the opposite direction. Taking her hand, he kissed it gently and then rubbed the spot he had just kissed with his thumb. He then briefly placed his other hand on her cheek, his eyes pleading as he spoke. “Please, Sam,” he whispered as softly as he could, “you have to get better.”

Jack knew that Dr. Fraiser had told them that she should fully recover, but Jack refused to believe it until she really was. But how could she fully recover? He could barely comprehend what Janet had told him when they wheeled her into the infirmary after the medical team arrived and Dr. Fraiser had found a weak and thready pulse. Jack’s eyes glazed over with memory…

Jack positioned himself in a corner of the room as he helplessly watched the medical team go to work to try and save Sam. Dr. Fraiser’s voice boomed in the room. “Start and EEG and an EKG. On my count…3,2,1.” Together, Janet and the other nurses lifted Sam off the gurney and onto a bed. They cut her shirt and began attaching the necessary leads.

Janet’s spoke up with direction. “Are we in?” Suddenly, the monitor they had just connected Sam with emitted a sound that Jack knew would haunt his dreams forever. There was no heartbeat. She had flatlined. “Charge the paddles to 100.” Jack could hear Janet trying to stay professional in her emotions. But in a blink of an eye, a heartbeat sounded on the monitor. Sam had fought her way back. Janet put on her stethoscope and listened to Sam’s heart. Her voice was layered in surprise. “It’s normal sinus rhythm.”

Jack couldn’t believe it. It seemed to be a nightmare and a dream all in one breath. But just when he was starting to slow the adrenaline pumping through his body, Janet spoke up, her voice full of disbelief and shock. “Sir?”

Jack took a step forward, his voice mimicking the desperation and hope in his eyes. “What? What is it?” His voice sounded weak and very shaken. He was doing his best to conceal the emotional tidal wave washing over his body, but it was hard, too hard. He was actually scared, afraid to know what news she had to tell him that made her voice sound so unnatural.

Janet pointed to the monitor. “These readings match those that infected the computer in the first place.” Taking a breath, she continued on almost breathlessly. “It’s inside her.”

Jack could feel Janet’s eyes on his face. Jack moved closer and looked down at Sam, her face pale and her body motionless. It couldn’t be true. Not her, not Sam, not again. What had he done?

Jack stood up and stretched his back. Moving over the pitcher of water, he poured himself a small glass and took a sip. The coolness of it invaded his throat, and he felt it moving down his body, waking up his senses.

Waking up. She had looked directly into his eyes when the entity had decided to communicate….

Jack felt his heart jump as her eyes suddenly met his. Trying to find his voice, he spoke up quietly, daring to hope. “Carter?” But when no response came, Jack looked behind him at the observation room and spoke up louder to get their attention. “She conscious.”

Seeing Janet get up from her chair, Jack returned his gaze to Sam’s face, to her eyes, those eyes that were seeing him, but without their familiar sparkle. It wasn’t her. Then the entity gave him a signal using one of Sam’s hands, as if in a mock salute. As Janet entered the room, Jack mimicked her hand motion, at a loss for what else to do.

“Can you talk?” His voice sounded funny, trying to stay within the realm of realization that this was not his Sam.

Jack could feel Janet’s eyes on him, her voice soft as she spoke up. “Colonel, her PET scan resembles that of someone who has been the victim of a stroke. Parts of her brain seem very active; others seem dormant or suppressed. The entity does have complete motor control however. It might be able to communicate with a speech synthesizer if I explain its operation.”

Jack didn’t know how much more of this he could take. He wanted to pull his hair out, he wanted to scream, and he wanted to cry. Looking over at Janet briefly, he did his best to compose himself. “Just concentrate on getting it out of her, will ya?” His eyes were focused on Sam’s, afraid if he fully looked at Janet, who knew their secret, he would lose it.

Janet’s voice cracked as she spoke up. “I don’t know how, Sir.”

Hearing her hesitation as her emotions got the better of her, he turned around and looked up at General Hammond, desperate to try anything. “What about the Tok’ra or Asgard? Don’t they owe us a favor by now?”

General Hammond responded, but not with the answer Jack was hoping for. “Until this situation is resolved, Colonel, we’re still under quarantine. That means from our allies as well. We cannot risk the entity leaving this facility.”

Jack turned back to Sam. They couldn’t just sit back and watch this thing take a permanent hold over her. They had to do something. He couldn’t lose her.

They had to do something. Jack snorted softly at the irony of his thoughts. Walking over to the edge of Sam’s bed, he looked down at her and sighed wearily. He knew all too well that if he had actually done something to begin with, like not letting her communicate with it, this could have been prevented.

Fingering mindlessly with her I.V. lines, Jack’s thoughts turned him to what his gut instincts had been trying to tell him when he had been arguing with Sam and Daniel about communicating with it….

“It was a trap.” Jack found himself temporarily away from Sam’s bedside and staring up at the unbelievable mess that had created this insanity.

Daniel raised his eyebrows. “Trap?”

Jack nodded mindlessly. “Yep. It was watching us the whole time.” Jack could feel the anger start to build inside of him. He had goofed around with it, thinking it harmless. Little did he know it was to become one of the most destructive things they’d come across. And it wasn’t finished.

Daniel was beginning to see where Jack was going with this. “So you’re saying it knew Sam and that we wanted to make contact with it?”

Jack simply nodded, relieved he didn’t have to explain it further. “Yeah.”

Teal’c spoke up. “And this device was created as a delivery system in order to invade the body of Major Carter.”

Jack made fists with his hands. “Yes.”

Daniel had to be sure he completely understood what Jack was trying to say. “So basically you’re saying if we had just listened to you in the first place and blown it up, this wouldn’t have happened?” Daniel cringed at the look Jack gave him. Trying to keep things under control, he continued quickly. “No seriously. I’m asking. Is that what you’re saying?”

Teal’c answered for Jack. “If we had destroyed the entity, Daniel Jackson, Major Carter would not have been adversely affected.” Teal’c felt for his friend. He knew that no amount of torture could compare to what O’Neill must be going through now.

Daniel held out his hands, softening his voice as he realized what Teal’c and Jack were thinking. “Okay, I know your first instinct is to protect, both of you. That’s your job. That’s what you do. But no matter what happens, no matter how this turns out, Sam wasn’t wrong to try to communicate with it.”

Jack watched as Daniel and Teal’c turned to leave. No, Sam wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t her fault. It was his. He should have stopped her. He could have if he had tried hard enough.

Jack sat down again and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel a headache starting from exhaustion, lack of food, and endless worry. Sam stirred in her sleep, apparently in the throws of a dream. Jack eyed the camera on the ceiling to make sure it wasn’t pointed at them before reaching out and ran his hand over her head in the softest of touches. “Shhhh,” he whispered once again. “You’re okay, Sam. I’m right here.” His voice appeared to have reached her because within seconds of his touch, she became still again and her breathing more shallow.

Sitting back, he tried to imagine what her dreams were about. It wasn’t hard; Jack was sure they were all mindless nightmares of trying to escape something she had no control over. He wondered if Sam was able to hear everything the entity had said to them when it talked through the speech synthesizer. He knew that if she had been able to, it would have driven her to the edge…

The entity typed its first word upon Jack entering the room. “O’Neill.”

Jack was in shock at the sound of the computerized voice. It was Sam looking at him, but it wasn’t her voice. It reminded him of when Jolinar had possessed her, and it made it hard to take. Finding his voice, he responded with little tone. “That’s right.” Jack looked over at the SF. “Go get the doc.” Looking back at the entity, he continued. “And you are?”

The entity promptly responded. “I am within.” As Janet quickly entered the room, the entity spoke again. “You are O’Neill.”

Jack was trying to be patient. “Yeah, we’ve established that.”

The entity stared hard at him, giving him a questioning look. “This one has memory of you.”

Jack was furious. Not only had the entity invaded Sam’s body and taken control, but it was invading personal, private memories that only he and Sam shared. And he couldn’t handle this thing referring to Sam as this one, as if she were the thing. He gave it an equally hard look. “The one you’re talking about is a person. Her name is Major Samantha Carter.”

The entity typed its response. “Then I am Major.”

Jack couldn’t take this. He gave the entity a defiant look. “No! No, you’re not.”

Janet could see that Jack was about to lose it. Stepping in, she spoke up. “We understand you have taken control of Major Carter, but you’re not her.” Janet could feel her emotions breaking through despite her best efforts.

The entity responded. “There was no other choice. No other place to go. You wish to terminate.”

Jack couldn’t remember hating something so much. “Still do.”

The entity gave Jack a victorious look. “But you will not. Not now. I have observed. You value the life of one.”

Jack could feel the emotional wave in his throat. “Yes, we do.”

The entity continued. “This one is important.”

Jack hesitated only for a moment. He no longer cared if people figured out how much he loved Sam. He knew the entity was directing the question to him alone. “She is.”

The entity looked at him with confidence. “For this reason, this one was chosen. You will not terminate this one in order to destroy me.”

Janet couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “It went into Sam out of self preservation.”

The entity continued to stare at Jack. “I cannot be removed from this mind without terminating. You will not terminate this one.” The entity then looked up at the control room. “None of you will.” Looking back at Jack, it finished typing. “Therefore, I will survive.”

Jack could feel the despair tugging at him. He could feel it wanting to push him to the edge. But Jack simply gave the entity an equally confident look. He was confident that his hatred of this thing would not let him give up. Not yet. Sam wouldn’t give up on him, and he’d be damned if he was going to give up on her.

Jack shook his head slightly, trying to push the memory out of his mind. He loved getting lost in Sam’s eyes, but those hadn’t been her eyes. They had been cold and unfeeling. The memories of what had happened were like a knife cutting into his heart. The pain seemed unbearable. But Jack couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was as if he were playing the memories over and over again in his head, trying to search his soul for answers that would soothe his aching heart.

Jack also knew that he had allowed his emotions for Sam to show….

General Hammond finished up the briefing. As Colonel O’Neill was getting up, he spoke up softly on a more personal level. “Jack?”

Jack looked up at the general, surprised at the weariness in his voice. “Sir?”

General Hammond continued cautiously. “We may have to make some difficult choices. I know that Major Carter means a great deal to you.”

Jack was taken by surprise, and he knew General Hammond could see it. Searching for the appropriate answer, he used the easiest escape he could find. “She’s a very valuable member of my team, Sir.”

General Hammond gave him a sad smile. “Yes, she is.”

Jack knew that he hadn’t fooled General Hammond. He would be a fool to believe otherwise. Anyone could see how upset he was, and General Hammond had discretely told him that he had picked up on it, and his feelings for Sam. He feared that he had probably insulted the general by giving him such a generic, lame ass excuse, but Jack didn’t want to get into a discuss he wasn’t ready for, especially with Sam in such dire straits. He only could hope that the general would understand.

But thinking back, he remembered his second conversation with the entity and how General Hammond had supported him, giving him all the answers he needed that he had understood…

The entity continued to answer Daniel’s questions as Jack looked on in silence. “Transmission was interrupted. If I had been able to complete transmission, you would have been destroyed. My world would have been preserved.”

Daniel answered with excitement. “Well, in a way, you succeeded. We won’t go back there. You can repair the damage we did and we won’t send anymore probes through.”

Jack couldn’t take this “niceness” any longer. He was tired of listening to Daniel negotiate with something that was killing Sam. “Yes we will.”

The entity looked immediately at Jack as Daniel spoke up. “Jack?”

Jack gave the entity a look of hate that was echoed in his voice. “We’ll send dozens of them, one after another. I don’t care what it does!”

The entity finally showed the first hint of fear in its eyes. “No.”

Jack stared at the entity with a determined look. “Leave her, now.” He was desperate at this point, and he didn’t care. In his mind, Sam might already be lost to him. The least he could do was fight to save what was left.

The entity began to shake. “You won’t.”

Jack gave it a smirk. “You’ve read my file. Think again!”

The entity typed a desperate response. “I must preserve.”

Jack threw his hands out as he raised his voice. “Fine! Stick to your guns then!”

Daniel’s voice broke in. “Jack?”

Jack wouldn’t hear any more negotiations. “Daniel! We’re gonna do this my way!”

The entity was now visibly scared. “You can’t.”

Jack’s eyes never left Sam’s. “General?” Jack was finally feeling like they had a glimmer of hope.

General Hammond responded with absolution. “You’re damn right we can!”

The entity was becoming desperate. “No, please!”

Jack heard the anger in his voice, but he knew his eyes held just as much desperation as the entity’s. “Leave her!”

The entity responded. “I must preserve.”

Jack was tired of this. “If you wanna preserve your world, leave Major Carter right now!!”

The entity’s hand shook as its eyes remained locked on Jack’s, trying to decide how serious he was. Suddenly, it reached up and ripped off the leads that were giving readings for the EEG and EKG.

As the guards began to draw their guns, Jack held out a hand. “Stand down! Let her go.” Jack looked on anxiously as the entity forced Sam to stand and hurry out of the room.

Jack’s thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the familiar click-click of Dr. Fraiser’s shoes. Walking around the corner, Janet entered the room and looked at Jack, her heart feeling for him. “Sir. I figured I’d find you still in here.”

Jack barely took his eyes off Sam’s face to look at Janet. “Hey, Doc.”

Janet wasn’t quite sure what to say next. “Um, Colonel. Maybe you should go home and get some rest. Major Carter doesn’t need to sit by your bedside after she recovers.”

Jack looked up at her. “Everything is going to be okay?”

Janet could here the desperate plea in his voice. She couldn’t lie to him, not while he was looking at her that way. She turned around and softly closed the door. Taking a deep breath, she tried to control her emotions as she turned back around and looked at him. She was a doctor; this was part of her job. But they were also her friends. Her voice cracking slightly, she looked down at Sam. “Not everything.”

Jack’s heart suddenly stopped for a moment. He could feel the color draining from his face at her tone. When he finally spoke up, his voice sounded hollow and small. “What? What’s wrong?”

Janet couldn’t help it. Allowing a silent tear to slip down her face, she looked up at Jack and gave him a small sad smile. “I’m sorry…” she said, her voice the softest he’d ever heard it. “I’m sorry, Colonel, but the baby didn’t make it. It’s gone.” Janet sniffed as she wiped at the tears now flowing down her face.

Jack was in shock. The baby. In all this time, he hadn’t once considered its health and how it was doing. He had been so focused on Sam, he’d never considered how it would be affected by all of this. Shaking his head, he tried to compose himself as his eyes began to glisten and his voice wavered. “It’s gone?”

Janet could only nod. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to tell you this way, but I couldn’t hide the truth from you any longer.”

The room seemed to be closing in on him. They had just spent the last few weeks getting use to the fact that they were going to be parents, him for the second time. They were happy, excited, and had talked about his possible retirement. They had even gone as far as to start discussing baby names. This couldn’t be true. But then again, how could it not be, especially after what he’d done….

Jack watched helplessly as the entity began to release energy into the ceiling. Jack raised his Zat and pointed it at Sam.

Teal’c spoke up. “I believe the alien is attempting to return to the mainframe.”

Jack wasn’t going to let that happen. He wasn’t going to allow it to escape, leaving only a hollow shell where Sam used to be. Firing his Zat, he shot Sam. The entity paused momentarily, a look of hatred and determination on its face. Bringing its hands up higher, it started releasing the energy into the ceiling once more.

Jack never took his eyes off Sam. If there was any part of her left, he knew she would understand. But could he live with himself? Finding he had no other choice, he released the second shot and watched with a heavy heart as Sam crumpled to the floor. No one moved for a moment. The shock was too great. No one could believe he’s actually done it. Finally, Jack inched forward, followed by Janet. Reaching Sam, Jack looked down, disbelief in his eyes at what he had just done. He had just killed the one person who meant more to him than anything else. Looking up, he was met by Janet’s eyes. And he knew she was thinking the exact same thing…

Jack stood up and staggered back, not ready to accept the news Janet had just told him.

Janet stepped forward and reached out for him. “Sir? Are you okay?” When Jack just looked at her, she went on. “Sir, this isn’t your fault. You aren’t to blame for this.”

Jack finally found the strength to talk. “Oh, really? And I suppose my shooting her had nothing to do with? I suppose the fact that she was on life support had nothing to do with it?” As his voice cracked, he could feel tears welling up in his eyes. “After all, I killed my first child. So why not this one?”

Janet couldn’t stand by and watch him do this to himself. “Colonel, please! You didn’t do this! None of this is your fault. The entity caused the loss of this child, not you.”

Jack was trying to keep his voice down. “Don’t do that! Don’t try to make excuses for me. I…I can’t do this right now.” And with that, he hurried out of the room and down the hallway, not knowing where he was going. After a few minutes, he found himself outside the storage closet that was down the hall from his office where he and Sam had made out. Opening the door, he closed it and made his way in the darkness to the back of the closet, sinking down against the wall as he tried to catch his breath.

He had killed his child, and almost killed Sam in the process. Silent tears began to fall as his memory returned to Sam’s bedside, except this time she was asleep, connected to tubes and machines that were keeping her alive…

Jack was alone with Sam when Janet walked in. All was quiet except for the constant noise of the respirator that was keeping Sam alive. Jack’s eyes were trained on her face, his vision seeing nothing else. She was lying there because of him, because he’d had no other choice but to kill her. And now there was no hope, no chance. He barely registered Janet’s voice when she spoke up.

“Still no change?” When Jack didn’t respond or even move, Janet continued on. “I don’t know if she ever told you this, Colonel, but Sam made a living will. No extraordinary means.” She tried to keep herself from getting too emotional as she waited for Jack’s response. She knew he was dying inside.

Jack’s voice was hollow and empty. “Yeah, she told me.”

Janet continued on. “There’s no brain activity of any kind, no brain waves from either Sam or the entity. She’s being kept alive entirely on life support.” Janet tried to compose herself as she went on. “I think it’s time to let her go, Sir.”

Jack couldn’t do that, not yet. He knew she was dead, but she was still breathing, even if it were on machines. He needed more time with her. Half looking at Janet, he tried to keep himself from tearing up. “Just give it a minute…yeah.”

As his gaze returned to Sam’s face, Daniel and Teal’c walked into the room. Jack could feel Daniel’s eyes on him. He knew that he was showing too much emotion, but he didn’t care. Nothing mattered anymore.

Daniel cleared his throat. “Just thought you should know…Hammond ordered the mainframe thing in the M.A.L.P. room destroyed in case the entity managed to find it’s way back in there. That’s probably what it was trying to do.” When Jack didn’t respond, Daniel placed his gaze on Sam and sunk into the sadness that the whole room held.

Jack wiped at his tears and sniffed. His vision was lost in the darkness of the room, just as his heart was trapped in the darkness of his soul. He seemed to be caught in an endless abyss, spiraling down into nothingness. Without her, there was nothing. But yet in his darkest hour, a glimmer of hope had miraculously found him…

Stg. Siler looked back at SG-1 as they joined him in the M.A.L.P. room. “I think our friend is back, Sir.”

Jack didn’t care. “Alright. Let’s blow it.”

Just then, the computer screen spelled out ‘I am here’. Daniel looked at it for a moment and then charged forward. “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Look at this!”

Teal’c didn’t see the excitement or surprise in the situation. “The entity.”

Daniel became more excited. “No! It said it couldn’t go back.” Holding his breath, he looked at Jack. “It’s Sam.”

Jack returned his look, not believing what he was hearing. “Daniel! I shot her, twice!”

Daniel refused to lose hope. “After it transferred Sam’s consciousness out of her body. You killed the entity after it put Sam into this, this thing. She’s in here!!”

Jack was afraid to hope. “Why? Why would it do that?”

Daniel couldn’t believe it had worked. “You demanded it! You threatened to send an army of probes through to its home world. Saving Sam and allowing itself to be killed was the only way to preserve its home world.”

Jack couldn’t deny the hope in his heart any longer. He moved over to the red phone and picked it up. “Get me Hammond.”

Jack heard the general come on the line. “Hammond.”

Jack replied. “General, we’ve got a situation down here.” Jack could feel his heart racing as he waited for the general’s answer.

General Hammond responded. “Same here, Colonel. I’m on my way.”

Jack could feel his heart reliving the moment he found out there was hope again. It had been elating, mind-blowing, and scary all at the same time. Yet it was there, within his grasp.

Not wanting to face the reality of having caused the death of another child, Jack closed his eyes and allowed his body to sink into the memory that had given Sam back to him…

Jack stood watching as Janet attached the EEG leads to Sam and to the mainframe. When she spoke, her voice was full of disbelief. “The EEG matches Sam’s. I don’t know how, but it’s her.”

General Hammond didn’t like this unfamiliar territory. “So what do we do?”

Dr. Fraiser looked back at the general. “There’s nothing I can do, Sir, but to provide a conduit for her to return into her own body.”

Suddenly, Teal’c raised his Zat gun, arming it, and making Jack jump. “The entity has deceived us on several occasions.”

General Hammond agreed. Nodding to Dr. Fraiser, he continued. “Go ahead, doctor.”

Janet took a breath and then flicked the switch, stepping back quickly as electrical impulses ran through the wire and into Sam’s head, making her convulse violently. Jack was holding his breath, barely able to watch the violence happening in front of him.

But then it stopped and all was quiet. Janet moved over and removed the wires from the mainframe as Sam suddenly took a breath on her own. Janet couldn’t keep her excitement in. Turning around, she delivered the good news with a big smile. “She’s back!”

As Teal’c lowered his Zat, Jack gingerly walked over to her bedside, his eyes finally connecting with the real Sam. All he wanted to do was gather her in his arms and never let go. She was alive! But knowing he had to contain his emotions, he gave her a much quieter response. “Hey Carter. Where have you been?”

Sam never moved her eyes from Jack’s face. Her voice was weak and thin as she spoke. “It’s gone?”

General Hammond answered for Jack. “Yes, it is.”

Sam tried to smile, but she couldn’t. Yet finally being able to see Jack’s face again, knowing he was there with her, made her want to cry for the happiness of making it back to him. Her voice cracked as she spoke to him. “I was shouting for you to hear.”

Jack’s eyes searched hers. “We heard.” He then started to reach out for her hand, but then suddenly drew it back, realizing that they had an audience. He knew Sam would understand. But before she closed her eyes again, she nodded at him and gave him a small smile, wanting him to know it would be alright.

Jack opened his eyes at the sound of someone opening the storage room door as they turned on the light. Squinting, he ducked down even further and waited for them to find what they needed. Luckily, he was never discovered as they gathered their items off the first shelf and then turned off the light and departed.

Stretching, Jack flipped open his watch and turned on the indiglo light. 0500 hours. He apparently had fallen asleep, and had slept for over eight hours. Standing up carefully, he made his way to the door and opened it. Looking out into the hall, he was grateful that no one was around. It was still earlier enough on the base that all was still quiet. Stopping by the bathroom, he cleaned himself up slightly before returning to the infirmary. As much as he didn’t want to deliver the news about the baby to Sam, she needed to know. He would just have to wait and see what her response to him would be after finding out he had killed their child.

Taking a deep breath to soothe his nerves, he was making his way down the hallway when he was suddenly met by a distraught Dr. Fraiser. He could see the panic in her eyes and he was afraid to find out what had caused such emotion.

Janet halted in her tracks and took a breath. “Colonel, there you are! I was just coming to find you.”

Jack took her by the shoulders, his heart beginning to race. “Doc! Calm down. What’s the matter? Is it Carter?”

Janet shook her head yes. “She’s gone.”

Jack was afraid to know the real meaning of that. “What do you mean, she’s gone? I thought she was getting better, that she was going to be okay!”

Janet tried to calm down. “She is better. She woke up while you were gone. She asked for you, and I told her you’d been here the whole time, but that you must have gone home for some rest.”

Jack didn’t understand. “Okay, so what’s the problem?”

Janet gave him an ‘I’m sorry’ look. Lowering her voice, she moved closer. “She asked about the baby. I figured you’d want to tell her, or at least be there when she was told, but she knows me too well. I couldn’t lie. I had to tell her…that the baby was gone.”

Jack was beginning to panic himself. “How did she take it?”

Janet’s eyes welled up with tears. “Not well. I tried to talk to her, to keep her calm, but she just couldn’t stop crying. I went and called you at home, but couldn’t reach you. So I decided to give her a sedative to make her sleep until you came back. But when I got back to her room, she was gone!”

Jack’s adrenaline was now pumping hard. “Did you check the base?”

Janet nodded. “Yes. I sent the night watch to look for her, but no one’s seen her. Colonel, she’s still very weak, and in her state of mind, I don’t know what she’ll do. I know she’s strong, and I know she wanted to see you. I told her how upset you were and how you blamed yourself. So I was hoping that she’d gone to your house.” Taking a breath, she continued. “I had some base personnel check her house, but they didn’t find her. I couldn’t send them to your house because of…well, you know. I was just on my way there to check your house myself.”

That was all Jack needed to hear. Looking at her straight in the face, he responded. “I’ll find her.” And with that, he took off running down the hallway, heading for the surface as fast as he could.

Jack practically broke down his own door trying to get it open. He had broken the speed limit and had practically run every stoplight and stop sign to get there. “Sam!! Are you here?”

His voice was desperate as he called out over and over, running through every room in the house, but not finding her in any of them. Running back outside, he stopped to catch his breath, the cold air invading his lungs and awakening his senses. ‘Think, Jack!’ he told himself. ‘She wasn’t at her house, and she’s not here. Where would she have gone?’ He tried to think of all their special places, but none of them made sense without him being there with her.

But then suddenly a thought crept into his mind. ‘She wouldn’t have.’ Jack tried to think of what she would be doing. Looking for him. And there was only one place in the world where he would have normally gone to escape the reality of life. His cabin. But she hadn’t been there yet. He knew she was aware of where it was, but could she have made it up there on her own? It was too far to drive, especially in her weakened conditioned. He knew she had more sense than that, although right now, he was questioning all her checks on reality. But could she have flown up there? He didn’t think so, but she was one of the most stubborn women he knew.

Not knowing where else to look, he locked his front door and jumped into his truck. Putting it in gear, he drove as quickly as he could for the airfield. He knew a guy that would rent him a plane at a moments notice, and this was definitely on of those times.

Almost four hours later, Jack pulled up in front of his cabin. The flight up there had been one of the longest in history. The small Cessna didn’t quite use the same speed as the fighter jets.

As he fingered for his keys and found the one he wanted, he walked towards the porch, hoping that if she was there, he would find she had picked the lock and stayed here instead of traveling back to Colorado. He doubted her body could take that much travel.

As if he were speaking out loud, he saw his answer suddenly in front of him. Stopping dead in his tracks, he was in shock at the sight before him. There, halfway up his front steps, was Sam. She was dressed in jeans, a plain red sweatshirt, and a black winter coat. What made his heart skip a beat wasn’t just that she was there, but that she had obviously collapsed on the steps and was unconscious. She apparently had never been given the chance to pick his lock. Her body had given out before she could make it to the door.

Jack ran the rest of the way, falling down next to her. “Sam!” Gathering her up in his arms, he pleaded with her. “Sam! Come on! Can you hear me? Don’t do this to me. Not now, not when I just got you back.” He knew she was alive because of the violent shivering she was doing as he held her tightly against him. It was freezing out, and snow lay all around them. And as if adding insult to injury, snow was falling, with a crisp wind biting them at every turn.

Not wasting anymore time, he picked her up and managed to unlock his door, falling into his cabin and shutting the door. Laying her down, he took off her wet clothes and covered her with as many blankets as he could find until he got a fire going. As he prepared the fire, he called Janet on her cell phone and explained where he had found her and told her about her condition. Janet told him what to do to get her warm and then informed him she’d be there as soon as she could.

Jack interrupted her. “Hold on, Doc. I don’t think you need to do that. If she gets worse, I’ll call you, I promise. But I think Carter and I need to get some things worked out first.”

Janet understood, but medically, she knew that Sam should be back within her care. “I understand that, Colonel, I really do. But she still needs medical attention. She’s been through an incredibly traumatic event.”

Jack looked over at Sam, who was still shaking unconsciously, but not as badly as when he had first found her. “Look, Doc. How about I promise to get her back to you as soon as she’s warm. If I have to drive all the way back, I will. But just give us some time…please.”

Janet paused before responding. “Okay, Colonel, you win. But if she’s not back here in 36 hours, I’m going to send the SF’s after you both.” Hesitating, she continued. “And I’ll make some excuse for you to General Hammond.”

Jack smiled. “Thanks Doc.” Jack hung up the phone and then went over to Sam. Moving behind her, he put his arms around her and drew her close. As he did this, Sam seemed to recognize his touch, and her shaking seemed to become less intense. Letting his eyes rest again, they fell asleep in the comfort of each other’s arms.

Five hours later, Sam stirred and Jack opened his eyes. As she turned over towards him, she opened her eyes and met his. “Hey.”

Kissing her gently on the lips, he responded. “Hey. How are you feeling?”

Sam smiled slightly. “I’m still weak, but I feel better knowing you’re with me.”

Jack smiled. “Good.” Releasing her, he got up and went over to the kitchen to start some coffee.

Sam watched him as he moved around the kitchen. She didn’t know quite what to say. She could feel emotions welling up inside of her chest. “Jack…”

Jack put down the coffee mugs and turned around. “No, let me have a go at it first. Are you insane?!!” He tried to calm himself down, but it was hard. “You almost died!! So, to practically insure that, you come up here, on your own, where I find you half dead on my front porch. For cryin’ out loud, Sam, I have enough guilt as it is! I don’t need more to add to that. And how did you get up here anyway?”

Sam was trying to stay calm, although she could feel hot tears starting to burn her corneas. “I know a guy who owed me a favor. He flew me up here and then I took a taxi.”

Jack smirked at her. “Well, remind me that I owe that guy a favor…and not a good one! Any idiot can see that you’re not fit to travel!”

Sam could feel her tears now warm on her skin. “I had to find you! I didn’t want you to be alone. And I didn’t want to be without you. I just assumed after Janet told you about….” By this point, tears were running freely down her face as her voice softened. “I’m sorry, Jack. I’m so sorry. I wanted this baby too.”

Jack ran a hand through his hair. When he responded, his voice sounded hollow again. “Well, you didn’t kill the baby, I did.” Jack hesitated before going on, his voice barely above a whisper. “It’s just like Charlie all over again.”

Sam got up, the blankets wrapped around her. As she held onto the couch for support, she tried to make her way over to him. Wavering, she almost fell before Jack reached her, scooping her into his arms and sitting her back down on the couch. Jack looked at her in disbelief. “You have to be one of the most stubborn women I’ve met. Now stay put.”

As he got up, Sam caught his hand and held on tight. “Jack, please. Don’t go.”

As Jack looked down into her eyes, still glistening with tears, he couldn’t walk away. Sitting down, he put his head in his hands. When he finally spoke, his voice was choked with emotion. “You don’t want me to stay, Sam. I shot you…hell, you would have been dead if it hadn’t have been for those machines. And then I wanted to blow up the mainframe thing until Daniel discovered you were in it. And to top it all off, I killed our child.”

Sam moved closer to him and took his head in her hands and forced him to look at her. Tears were now flowing down his face, and it was all she could do to keep herself from breaking down. “Jack O’Neill, you listen to me. I chose to communicate with that thing, and it was the entity that almost killed me, not you. I would have done the same think you did if I had been in your shoes. You know that. Deep down, you do.” Taking a breath, she gave him a sad smile. “And as for our child…” Her voice cracked and she had to take a moment before continuing. “The entity is responsible for that too. The baby was gone as soon as the entity invaded my body. You had nothing to do with it. Janet said that because the entity effectively shut down my brain, the baby could have never survived.”

Jack finally gave her the first indication that he was beginning to maybe understand, though she doubted he’d ever fully forgive himself for any of it. He simply nodded and whispered. “I guess I just really wanted that baby…second chance, you know.”

Sam choked on her emotions as she took him in her arms and held him. “I know. I wanted it too.” And with that, they both allowed themselves to cry in each other’s arms, mourning for the loss of what could have been, but grateful they still had each other.

The rest of the day, they didn’t say much. Instead, they just remained close, never far from each other’s arms. They knew that this would affect them, would affect their relationship. But what affect that would be, neither of them knew. Only time would tell. All they could do was hope that with enough soul searching, they wouldn’t lose sight of what was most important: their love for each other, and what the future could still hold for them if their faith was strong enough to survive whatever life had in store for them next.

Next Story---> "When Reality Strikes"

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