New Horizons (part 3)

By Mark R.

Taking his time in getting up to go answer the door, he thought back to earlier in the day, how it had dawned so warm and bright, just right for enjoying a whole day outside, even if it wasn’t strictly leisure. In fact, he’d slept soundly till nearly 1000 when the sun finally rose high enough to shine directly into his eyes and eventually wake him.

After a stop in the bathroom, he’d let the dog out and returned to shave before heading for the kitchen to scare up some morning coffee. Passing through the den, he flipped on The Weather Channel hoping to hear the local forecast when it came on. Not that he really needed one; the outside thermometer hanging on the deck said it was already in the mid-sixty's and it was beautiful and sunny.

After rummaging around a while for a clean cup, he finally spied his favorite old stained Air Force Academy mug underneath the bag of potato chips he'd casually tossed on the counter the night before. As the coffee finished brewing, he methodically washed and dried it while absent-mindedly gazing out the window down the long slope of his property. A doe and her fawn could just be seen cautiously exiting the woods near the far end, perhaps two hundred yards away. A few minutes later, they spooked and ran. Reluctantly, he forced his attention back to the coffee pot, which was just finishing brewing. Humming some nondescript tune, he picked up the pot from under the still dripping spout and filled the mug to the brim with the hot aromatic brew. Opening the sliding glass door, he headed out onto the deck to sit and enjoy the bright early morning sun.

Lying on the lounge and sipping coffee had to be the most relaxing thing he’d done in months. After clearing his mind of all the so-called ‘galactic concerns’, he’d tried to just concentrate on enjoying the warmth rapidly chasing away the ever-present stiffness in his knees. As his mind wandered, he idly considered whether any human or alien medical discovery could ever alleviate the constant aching even half as well.

With his mind drifting along of its own accord, his thoughts turned to how this weather seemed tailor made to discourage accomplishing any useful work. He could really use a day off for just kicking around and taking it easy. In fact, he was sorely tempted to forget doing any of the work he'd planned around the house and take a ten mile run up to Whisper Lake and back instead.

Jack loved running. He knew most people thought it worse than work itself. But to him, it tended to be relaxing and therapeutic, not to mention the cardiovascular benefits it accorded. When he ran, he had time to think and ponder and just enjoy the countryside passing by. He quickly decided to make that idea a reality, swallowing his last gulp of coffee before hauling himself up to go around front to fetch the morning paper. The run had to wait a few minutes though, as his highest priority was reading the cartoons and latest exploits of the Simpson's.

Five and a half hours later, he arrived back home. The run up and back had been particularly refreshing. His body was only pleasantly tired and his knees only a trifle stiff. Jack wished that wasn't the case, but he’d long ago come to grips with the fact that he was getting older, and that had consequences. No amount of moaning and groaning on his part would change it, and to be sure, he did his share. But all in all, he was still in excellent shape, his body rock hard and muscled, even if his hair now contained a little more salt than pepper.

And hadn't Carter blushed when she told him yesterday he looked better than most men thirty years his junior? They’d been casually talking while walking back towards the locker room following a thorough workout in the base gym. He remembered how she immediately tried downplaying the compliment after realizing she'd perhaps been a little too candid.

Thoughts of his beautiful former 2IC always brought a smile to his lips. 'Now, she's a good judge of fitness’. Although perhaps twelve or so years his junior, she had a very healthy looking athlete's body. With long shapely legs, a firm stomach, beautifully sculpted breasts and butt, she could easily be the dictionary definition for a physically fit and attractive woman.

Wrenching his mind back from such pleasant thoughts of Sam was tough. The truth of the matter was he couldn’t afford to dwell too long on her many attributes. Jack was convinced it was the single greatest injustice in the universe that she was forever off limits because she was a subordinate. Air Force regs were very specific in that regard; there could be no fraternization between officers in the same chain of command, no matter how hard that was to accept. So as he regularly did a dozen or more times a day, he consciously forced his mind away from the woman he’d come to love more than life itself.

With the run-induced euphoria quickly fading, he reluctantly took a final look out the kitchen window before moving to pour the rest of his water down the sink, deciding to replace it with a cold beer before heading off for a much needed shower. An hour later found him back outside doing various odd jobs in the yard and around the house. In fact, he'd been repairing the roof when the late afternoon thunderstorm seemed to blow in from nowhere. After quickly nailing down the final shingle, he’d scurried down the ladder to stow the tools away in the garage. Almost immediately, the sky took on an inky appearance, seeming to come alive with wicked looking lightning, accompanied by the most ominous sounding thunder he'd heard in years. There’d barely been time to run back inside for another beer and get back out to prop his feet up on the porch rail before the storm arrived in force.

When it did, the winds were strong and gusty, filling the air with so much dirt and sand, it stung Jack’s unprotected skin, prompting him to decide that this definitely wasn’t an every day run-of-the-mill thundershower. Within minutes, the rain began. First, big individual drops plopped as they hit the ground, followed a few seconds later by a true deluge of near biblical proportions. As the lightning and thunder put on a spectacular show, the rain continued to intensify even more until it was coming down in near-horizontal sheets driven by a wind that howled out of the west. The porch had rapidly become uninhabitable, barely allowing time to grab drink and magazine before fleeing for the shelter of the house.

Once inside, he looked around for the TV controller and began channel surfing, looking for a good hockey or baseball game to watch. Not finding anything particularly interesting, he gave up in disgust and walked back over to look out the sliding glass door leading out to the patio. Visibility had essentially gone to zero; the weather really seemed to be socked in. So, in true military fashion, he considered all his options before deciding the best thing to do would just be stretch out on the couch and catch a few winks until the storm blew over. Having made his decision, he snagged a soft, warm comforter from a nearby chair and proceeded to put his new plan into action.

Some time later, he was rudely awakened by someone apparently beating on the front door, prompting him to consider his interrupted dream. He'd been enjoying the way a certain beautiful blond haired, blue-eyed woman was snuggled in his arms, kissing him in a way that definitely should have been pursued to its logical conclusion. Sighing irritably, Jack threw off the comforter and sat up, attempting to clear the cobwebs from his mind. He could still hear the pounding, which if anything, seemed to be getting even more insistent. Considering the intensity of the rain still drumming down, it was no wonder. The poor schmuck was probably half drowned! Grinning like a Cheshire cat over such a perverted thought, he casually ran a hand through his hair and only briefly considered his unkempt appearance before ambling over to the front door.

"This had better be good," he growled, yanking it open. To his utter amazement, the object of his dream, Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter, stood there looking very much like a drowned rat, a rather attractive one to be sure. Her rain-soaked jeans and very low cut top were clinging to her as if she’d been poured into them. He could see the prominent outline of her ample breasts and nipples standing out clearly through the flimsy material of her top and fashion bra, both of which had been rendered nearly transparent and leaving almost nothing to the imagination.

Jack had never seen Sam in such exquisite detail except for one time on P79111 several years ago. They’d all needed relief one evening from the 130 plus degree heat and decided to chuck modesty for a little much needed relief. They didn’t have suits, so they’d skinny dipped in a nearby lake. To this day, he couldn’t figure out how he’d managed to behave himself, especially considering the effect she was having on him now while fully, if not exactly modestly, clothed. Quickly dragging his mind back from the gutter, he forced himself to think about hockey scores and dead cats as he sought to regain control over certain parts of his body. Looking back down at her, he realized for the first time she wasn't even wearing a jacket to protect herself from the rampaging elements and the still gusty wind. She was shivering uncontrollably, but when she looked up, a half-smile momentarily graced the delicate features of her porcelain face.

Looking deep into her eyes, he could tell she’d been crying and was still very upset about something. A wave of concern washed over him, vanquishing the last of the inappropriate thoughts, as well as his initial irritation at being disturbed. Glancing up just long enough to take a quick look around for her car, he couldn’t help noticing it was conspicuously missing.

Before he could question her about that particular observation, she lowered her gaze from his eyes, teeth chattering loudly. Almost in a whisper, she pleaded, “Can I come in, please?”

Although it seemed like ages since he’d opened the door, in actuality only seconds had passed. Jack knew it couldn’t be more than sixty degrees outside with probably a twenty mile an hour wind blowing steadily. With the rain still falling and her already soaked to the skin, she had to be freezing. "Yeah, yeah, come on in, Carter, before you catch pneumonia,” he growled while taking her arm and stepping out of the doorway to gently pull her in. “What the hell are you doing out there without even a jacket in weather like this, anyway? Where's your car? Did you break down?" he asked. His words came out a little sharper than he’d intended, but she didn’t even seem to notice. Pushing the door shut behind her, he studied her upturned face, unsuccessfully hoping to find some answers in the expression she wore. Jack’s heart melted inside when he saw several big new crocodile tears form and run down the beautiful contours of her cheeks to mix with the water still streaming out of the rat’s nest her hair had become.

Suddenly, it dawned on Jack that he wasn’t exactly being fair to her. She was obviously hurting, and all he’d done so far was lust after and interrogate her. He’d never seen her as delicate and vulnerable as she appeared now. Mentally kicking himself for his usual insensitivity, he decided she could wait to answer questions later if she felt like confiding in him. Right now though, his top priority had to be taking care of her, and that meant getting her warmed up and dry.

“Uh, we should probably get you into some dry clothes,” he commented, as he began prioritizing what needed to be done. Her sobbing was more pronounced now, and he responded by pulling her into a tight embrace to try and soothe and warm her. “But first, we’ll get you into a hot shower. I’ll get it ready and you can hop in, clothes and all. You need to warm up first; then you can undress. Your clothes are so wet that a little more water's not going to hurt. I’ll wash and dry them for you later. While you’re showering, I’ll be in the kitchen. That’ll give you some privacy, and I can get us a little snack and a pot of coffee going.

Now come on, I'll show you where the bathroom is.” As he spoke, he gently pushed her out to arms length before tenderly wiping away a few tears and taking a hand to lead her down the hall. "There are plenty of clean towels in the cabinet just to the right of the sink," he commented over his shoulder. "When you’re finished, wrap yourself up in one of the big blue ones. I’ll have something laid out for you to wear on the bed in the room across the hall. Then, we’ll get you all warmed up and maybe talk, okay?”

“Yeah, sounds good,” she mumbled tiredly. Having moved reluctantly away from the warmth of his embrace, she looked up into his concerned face before speaking, “You think we could just be Jack and Sam for a while? I really need to talk and… well, it’s personal stuff you know. Please, no titles or ranks, okay?" she pleaded softly. Sam knew she probably wasn't thinking too coherently right now and she appreciated his quick unquestioning nod of affirmation and the little smile he gave her in reply. "Thank you, Jack,” she forced out between shivers.

Jack's heart melted at the sound of his name rolling off her lips. Ushering her into the bathroom, it dawned on him that there was really no justification for his initial anger. She was obviously hurting about something. He resolved then and there to find out what it was and do his level best to help her get over it. Finally tearing his gaze away, he fought back the knot suddenly formed in his gut at the simple thought of how much he wished Sam was his to love. Immediately suppressing the thought, he bent to turn on the shower for her before stumbling out into the hall. “Uh, I’m going to the kitchen. I’ll lay out the clothes for you on the way. You get in that shower, Sam, you hear?” he repeated, playfully shaking a finger at her for emphasis.

“Yes, Sir, I mean, Jack,” she corrected herself with a shy smile.

Thirty minutes later and lot warmer, a much more comfortable Sam sat cross-legged on the couch, the blanket wrapped loosely around her shoulders. Underneath, she wore the clothes Jack had laid out earlier. The pants were so big she'd turned them up in giant cuffs to be able to walk around at all, and she'd rummaged around in the bathroom until she finally found a safety pin to take up the waist in order to keep them from literally falling off as she walked. She loved the soft old jersey he’d laid out alongside the pants. Besides being comfortable, it smelled subtly of Jack and the aftershave he always wore. Considering how big and floppy it was and the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra, there was no way she could lean over in front of him without giving him a spectacular view, not that it wouldn’t be fun to tease him that way if things worked out later.

Slowly but surely, her body temperature crept back up, making her feel pleasantly drowsy. Fighting back the urge to drift off to sleep, she tried to remain alert by forcing herself to think about something. ‘At least I can do that now,’ she marveled. She knew she must have been mildly hypothermic when she arrived because she’d been unable to speak more than a few lucid sentences at a time. Thankfully, she’d regained some basic mental faculties.

As she sat thinking about her life over the past few months, she couldn’t help feeling how much of an idiot she’d been. 'You are so stupid, Sam,' she admonished herself, ‘a stupid, vapid female. Stupid for allowing everything to happen like it did in the first place, for not talking to Jack about it a long time ago, for being out in weather like this, and especially for appearing so weak and frail in front of him.’ She knew he’d never think any less of her as a soldier. After all, she’d proven her competency plenty of times under battle conditions. But this was different. How would it affect the way he felt about her as a woman? It was something she'd really not thought much about before, but now that she had, it was embarrassing, to say the least.

But then she was learning new things about him today, too. She could imagine some of the things he must have been thinking about her when she showed up all wet and bedraggled. That was to be expected; after all, he was a man. It gave her a warm feeling to think that he might somehow still find her attractive. But he’d obviously been honorable and gone considerably out of his way to show how gentle and considerate he could be when he let down his patented old soldier façade. He was just going to have to accept that she had some normally hidden traits and weaknesses, too. Somehow, Sam knew that would never be a problem. It was comforting to know Jack would never judge or take advantage of her when she was weak; he’d just be there for her like he always was. She knew she was safe, warm, and dry now, because in spite of everything, his love had never wavered, no matter what she’d forced him to endure over the last few months. For at least the tenth time today, Sam choked back a tear at the very thought of what she’d done.

Now that she was finally being totally honest with herself, she knew she loved him so much; she always had. ‘Why did it take me almost marrying Pete to see what’s really important in my life?’ she wondered. With that thought, Sam again forced herself to consider her fear and trepidation at actually telling him how she felt. Would he respond in kind? Was his love for her the same kind and depth as her own, or just a protective, good friend variety wanting only the best for her? Above all, had she hurt him beyond his capacity to forgive? Sam realized there was no point in worrying about the answers to any of those questions right now. She’d know for sure soon enough.

Hearing Jack's footsteps approaching, she looked up to give him one of the radiant smiles she reserved just for him. As he made his way towards her with tray in hand, she could smell the rich coffee aroma wafting out of two full mugs. Her tummy was soon rumbling for attention, too. Now that she thought about it, she was surprisingly hungry.

In fact, it had actually been more than fourteen hours since her slice of toast at breakfast. Normally, she ate a light lunch, or would at least have a snack by early afternoon. But it was around 1330 when she’d confronted Pete with her decision. When she refused to reconsider her decision, he’d stopped talking rationally and began screaming obscenities that got the attention of at least half the park's patrons. Snatching the ring up off the picnic table where she'd placed it, he threw her a last angry curse before hopping into his car and peeling out to leave her in a cloud of dust and stinging gravel.

Sam had absolutely no doubts now that she'd done the right thing; his reaction had been proof positive. She'd expected him to be hurt and angry, but not to that extent. Never in the eight months they'd been seeing each other had she seen him flip out and start screaming expletives at her, or anyone else for that matter. It suddenly dawned on her that not only had she been deceiving herself about having been in love with him, but she’d never really even known the man. Even so, watching him speed out of her life made her wonder if she just might not be the biggest fool on the planet.

Finally wandering away from the park, upset and in tears, she'd walked around aimlessly all afternoon and into the early evening, food being the last thing on her mind. As a result of her involuntary fast, her stomach was enthusiastically doing double-back flips at the sight and smell of the huge stack of chocolate chip cookies on the plate Jack was carrying.

Crossing directly over to where she was sitting, Jack handed her a cup and asked cheerfully, "Feeling better are we?" Pleased to see she was no longer shivering and her skin coloration was rapidly approaching normal, he gestured towards the cookies. "Come on, Sam, dig in. You’re gonna’ have to help me here. If I eat 'em all myself, I won't be able to fit through the door sideways. You don't want that on your conscience do you?" It delighted him to hear Sam stifle a little snort of laughter as she reached for one. A little more seriously he added, "Later on, I'll whip us up some of my famous O’Neill spaghetti and one of my special salads if you feel up to it."

Sam shook her head in amazement before answering. Jack’s character had more undiscovered facets than a diamond. He could even cook! How many other hidden talents were just waiting for her to discover, she wondered. "I’m feeling much better, thank you," she responded, carefully picking up a mug. After blowing on the coffee to help cool it a bit, she gingerly took a sip of the luxurious smelling brew. It tasted even better than it smelled!

As she sipped and nibbled, Sam considered how to best say what needed saying. Her head kept telling her she might be making a mistake, but her heart never wavered. The fact was, she'd finally realized she was so much more than just fond of Jack O'Neill. Now that she'd finally given herself half a chance, the tiny flicker of emotion she'd always associated with him had fanned into a conflagration she couldn’t and didn’t want to extinguish, no matter what the cost.

She reasoned that if she’d loved Pete, why wasn't he the man she dreamed about at night? Thinking back on it now, Sam realized yesterday's argument started because he’d apparently heard her mutter Jack's name in her sleep after making love. She hadn’t denied it because she knew it was probably true. In fact, she’d recently found herself thinking more often than not of him when she and Pete were intimate. She was ashamed to admit it even to herself, but that’s the way it had been every time they’d been together since the evening Daniel finally made her see she was only deluding herself. That had also been the first time she'd seriously considered ending the relationship before doing something she suspected she'd regret the rest of her life.

Over the next few days, the team had been on stand-down and she'd thought it all out thoroughly, finally deciding she had to break it off with Pete and tell Jack how she felt. Well, she'd done the first part already. Now, all she needed was the courage to talk to Jack. She knew if she stalled or waited, it would be just that much harder later on. Realizing her courage was probably as good now as it would ever be, Sam concentrated on the tiny bubbles floating around the inside of her cup while considering how best to broach the subject. Her heart was telling her ‘Go, Sam, go,’ but her brain seemed to be stalled in park.

Jack watched with interest as Sam devoured first one, then another of the hot cookies he’d taken from the oven only moments before. She seemed somehow distracted and lost in thought, but otherwise seemed to have recovered nicely from her ordeal. Looking her over from head to toe, he couldn’t help feeling ashamed to again be thinking how hot she looked sitting there on his couch. With a few stray blond hairs falling down over one eye and dressed in his oldest, smallest jeans and a ratty looking jersey, as well as being wrapped up in a blanket, she was nothing less than stunning. There was just no other way to describe her. In fact, after you threw in her brains and an affinity for all things chocolate, voila’, she was the perfect woman!

Such pleasant thoughts made him chuckle in spite of himself. Almost immediately, Sam stopped eating to look over at him, a confused and mildly irritated expression adorning her face. She was obviously trying to figure out what he thought was so funny.

“What?” she asked. With one hand, she wiped at her chin thinking maybe a crumb or blob of chocolate was smeared there. When he shook his head no, she looked down, silently praying she hadn’t inadvertently flashed him like she’d feared earlier. Quickly satisfying herself that her assets were still properly contained, she locked her gaze to his and stated, “You’re laughing at me… why?”

“Oh, nothing,” he responded with a big toothy grin.

“Well, it has to be something,” she snapped. Growing more irritated by the second, she added, “I wasn’t born yesterday you know.” After a moment, she added a little more calmly, “Is this some of your famous O’Neill sarcasm, or do you get some perverse joy out of embarrassing me and laughing at my expense?”

Noting the distinct lack of amusement on her face, he decided to just ignore her question and attempt to change the subject. As nonchalantly as possible he asked, "So, you want to tell me what this is all about? I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. But I’ve got a pretty big ear, and an even bigger shoulder if you need one to cry on.”

As he finished speaking, it finally dawned on him that she was really miffed, so he wasn’t too surprised when he drew no immediate response. She just took another bite of her cookie and turned her head away momentarily. When she looked back, a small smile had returned to her face. She’d obviously decided to overlook his remark. Even though he was annoyed that it had taken only a few sentences to put himself squarely in the doghouse, he was nonetheless relieved to apparently be forgiven. But Jack knew he needed to apologize anyway. “Look, Sam, you know me well enough to know I didn’t mean anything by it. If I embarrassed you, I’m really sorry,” he said earnestly.

She was relieved to read nothing but sincerity in his eyes, but even so, she’d been about to confess her heart, and he’d seen fit to laugh at her expense. Could that possibly be another side of him she’d never glimpsed, a darker one perhaps? On the other hand, his offer to just listen and be there for her seemed genuine enough. She was inclined to accept his apology, although she still wondered what it was that had amused him so much.

“It’s okay, Jack. I accept your apology,” she replied. Setting the whole matter aside, she thought about the things that needed saying and how best to begin. Jack O’Neill was a fairly complex man on the outside, but he was fairly simple on the inside. The direct approach would be best, but talking to him on a personal level was never easy. He was intensely private and thoughtful when it came to his feelings. Fortunately, Sam knew that due to the depth of the friendship and feelings they’d developed for each other over the years, she should be able to overcome his natural shyness to speak his heart. Over the years, she’d come to know him better than just about anyone alive, and she could sense now that he was at least partially open to her emotionally, if she could just avoid being sidetracked or goaded into an argument. ‘He’s really good at pressing my buttons, both intentionally and otherwise,’ she reminded herself. ‘Well, not this time buddy,’ she decided with finality.

Having made her decision to give him the benefit of the doubt, she took a breath and began. “Jack, what I’m about to say to you is straight from my heart. I’ve thought a lot about it, cried over it as you’ve seen, and even prayed for guidance. I came here today to find out where you and I stand, and explain and confess some things I should have a long time ago. I want you to know how I feel, Jack, and I need to know how you feel, too.” Pausing for a moment to gather her thoughts, she gestured for Jack to join her on the couch. His eyes widened in surprise and confusion, but he complied with the request. She could only pray that what she had to tell him wasn’t coming a day late and a dollar short.

Jack was stunned. He’d just assumed the problem was something between her and Pete. It unnerved him to realize she'd walked all the way over in a violent storm just to talk to him about their relationship. Hell, he didn’t even know they had one as such. They were still friends, right? Did she want to end that, too? Was that it? With a knot of apprehension growing rapidly in his gut, he walked over and joined her, half turning to face her on the couch. Looking into the clear blue depths of her eyes, his only thought was, ‘Please, Sam, don’t tell me we can’t even be friends now.’

Reaching to capture both of his big rough hands in her slender fingers, she locked her eyes to his. “Jack, I want you to know what I was thinking all those months ago when I first got to know Pete. And that it was never my intention to simply reject you for him. I cared for you so much. Do you remember when I took leave and went up in the mountains camping alone for that week? I needed time and space to think. For most of the last five years I’ve been denying to myself I could ever be in love with you, and in spite of what you might have thought, I never forgot what we said to each other in that room during the Zatarc’ testing.”

The memory flooded back over her, threatening once again to reduce her to tears. Barely beating back the impulse, she sniffled briefly before continuing. “Regardless of how we felt about each other then, I had to objectively conclude the odds were stacked against both of us even surviving the war with the Goa'uld's, and if by some chance we did, our careers would still preclude any meaningful relationship. At least I wasn't willing to give up mine to purchase an option for a dream. Oh, I wanted one all right. But I wanted it sooner rather than later. I wanted a husband, a three-bedroom house, a picket fence, and still be the highest-ranking female officer in the Air Force, all while having 2.2 perfect kids. I wanted that with you, Jack, I really did. I loved you, and that never changed. As much as it hurt, I just faced the facts as I saw them. We were pining our lives away for each other over something we could probably never have. So, I did it for both of us, Jack, so we could finally move on.”

She stopped speaking a moment, trying to formulate what needed to be said next. “I'm sorry if I hurt you; I think you know that wasn’t my intention. I really thought it was the right decision, and from your reaction when I first told you I was seeing Pete, you even seemed to support me in it. But it still boils down to the fact I gave up waiting on you. Please, please forgive me for doing that to you… and to us,” she pleaded.

When he squeezed her hand in acknowledgement, she smiled a sad little smile that suddenly rendered him nearly unable to breathe. Jack was sure he could hear the sound of his own heart pounding in his chest so loudly it threatened to drown out the words as she spoke.

Sam stopped again, this time just long enough to gather her thoughts and wet her suddenly dry lips. When she eventually resumed, her voice quavered with emotion, “When you told me to get a life, I thought my decision to move on was vindicated. I remember you told me, ‘Good for you, Carter,’ when I mentioned to you I had a date with Pete. So, I went out with him and a few other guys, and I must admit I liked the attention and companionship. I liked being treated like a lady occasionally instead of just one of the guys. But, Jack, I won’t lie to you either, I didn’t realize how much I missed and needed a physical relationship with someone until Pete and I made love the first time and I woke up the next morning in his arms.”

“But I kept having thoughts and daydreams about how it thrilled me each time you walked into my lab just to bug me, and how you were always there for me when he and I had a little spat, or I just needed a sympathetic ear and someone to talk to. Except for the sex, he never made me feel the excitement you always did, and I wondered what was wrong with me. So, I stupidly redoubled my efforts to isolate myself from you to try to be everything I thought he wanted me to be. But of course, that didn’t help; it just made me miss you even more.”

Sam hesitated a little as if gathering the courage to continue. “And I knew you didn’t like him, but you always seemed to put your feelings aside and support me. Jack, I cared about Pete a lot, maybe even loved him on a certain level; at least I thought I did anyway. I'm really not so sure anymore. But I’m absolutely one hundred percent sure I love you, and it dwarfs anything I’ve ever felt for him. My heart knew it eight and a half months ago, only my conscious mind never would accept it. I want you to know that I still do, only a whole lot more.” This time as she stopped, she searched his eyes for some clue as to how he felt about all she’d said up to this point. What she saw in answer was a mixture of hurt, love, and pain, and two small tears just beginning to run down his ruggedly handsome face.

Barely able to restrain the urge to sob openly, she reached up and gently wiped at his tears before continuing, her voice now very quiet and far away, as if it pained her to have to say what came next. “Jack, there's more. About two months ago, the Air Force doctors informed me that my body, more specifically, my ovaries, have been damaged somehow by one or more of the incidents with Jolinar, the Entity, the super soldier, and Adrian Conrad. They aren't sure, but even now they think I might not be able to conceive a child. The damage is progressive, and they’re absolutely certain if I wait much longer, I won’t stand a chance.”

As Jack listened, Sam’s face grew deathly pale, her lips quivering with the emotional effort required to continue. What she’d confessed wrenched at his heart, and his first impulse was to reach over and pull her to him and whisper that everything was going to be alright. Barely able to fight back the urge, he tried instead to reassure her by reversing the position of their hands so he could gently rub his thumbs in little circles over the backs of her small ones. Still not sure where she was leading with all this, he listened intently, wondering if just maybe she was about to grant him his single greatest desire in the world.

Her heart was aching at what she had to admit next, but she forced herself to continue. “So I took that as a reason to accept Pete's proposal; well, that and what never happened between us the day I showed you the ring in my lab. I wanted so much for you to tell me not to marry him. But when you never did, I redoubled my efforts to forget you and decided to accept his proposal in spite of my growing doubts, even though he was my second choice, Jack, next to you. He was available now, and seemed so surprised and excited when I agreed to marry him and told him I wanted a baby right away.”

Wiping away the tears and sniffing, she plunged on. “Jack, he’s a good man and he loved me; I know that. And I thought I loved him, too. So, I figured I’d marry him and have a child before the inevitable happened. In the meantime, we’d live happily ever after and we’d both get what we want.”

She stopped abruptly, looking up from her lap to meet his penetrating gaze once again. “Oh God, Jack, how can I say this?" she asked with trembling lips. "Only, only you would lose out,” she whispered. “Jack, for a while I actually convinced myself that you were acceptable collateral damage to achieve my dream. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I finally acknowledged my heart had been right all along, and a life without you to share with me really wasn’t worth having.” She paused a second, tears now streaming uncontrolled down her cheeks. Just barely able to speak, she continued, “Please, Jack, I love you so much! Can you ever forgive me?” she pleaded.

Wiping away tears, she stopped to gage his reaction. His dark expressive eyes bore into her blue ones while his fingers continued rubbing slow, soothing circles on the backs of both her hands. The expression on his face was familiar. She suspected it reflected his affection for her. But was it love? Would he be willing to bare his heart and admit it to her if it was? Had her relationship with another man forever tainted those feelings? She waited with baited breath for his reply.

Jack’s heart was racing. There wasn’t any question of him forgiving her, didn’t she know that? Never in his wildest dreams had he imagined she’d admit to loving him. This incredible woman had just answered his prayers; she loved him! Somehow he finally managed to get control of his surging emotions. He wanted to shout for joy, but was still afraid to open his mouth for fear of screwing it all up.

He wanted nothing more than to make her see how deeply he loved her, how he’d never given up on her. Yes, it hurt knowing she'd been seeing Pete and things were growing serious between them. And yes, she was right, he had encouraged her initially, never thinking it might lead to marriage. But what hurt most was knowing whenever she left the mountain to head home, more often than not it was to meet him, and that she’d probably end up in his bed. For all those many months he'd tried to ignore those particular thoughts, choosing instead to bury them and concentrate on the closeness he knew they still shared as deep and abiding friends. But his prayer had always been that they'd eventually become much more than mere friends.

Looking at her now as she watched him, searching to discover his true feelings, he felt compelled as never before to finally speak his own heart. Gently reaching out to stroke her cheek, he was surprised when she reached up with two fingers to touch his lips to urge him not to speak just yet.

"S-h-h-h, she almost whispered. "Please, Jack, before you say anything, let me finish. First, regardless of how you feel about what I've said, I'm not going to marry Pete; in fact, I’m not going to even see him anymore. We had a huge fight today in the park when I told him, and that's why I was so upset when I got here. The truth is, I've been having a lot of second thoughts and doing a lot of soul searching the last several days, especially since we had that last meeting in your office. Plus, one of our mutual friends was rather brutal in guiding me shall we say, to see the enormity of the mistake I was poised to make. I resented the interference at the time, but I’m so glad now that he did. Jack, Daniel and all of our friends really care about me, and about us.

I considered what Daniel said and finally listened to my heart. When I did, it dawned on me that I couldn't always make every decision based solely on whether it was a good career choice, nor could I reasonably expect everything to go just the way I always envisioned it in my dreams. Life just isn’t like that. I hate to have to admit it, but the reason I was so infatuated with Pete was because he was ready and willing to give me everything my logical mind said I was missing and needed so badly. I never let my heart have any real input into the decision. So I gave scarcely any consideration to what I was so close to giving up. As long as I didn't think about it too much, I was happy with what Pete represented. I had my career, the companionship I craved, and everything that involved. And in marrying Pete, I could try to have a baby before I no longer could.

On the other hand, the whole marriage thing scared me to death because I knew I couldn't be a wife to a man I wasn't totally committed to. The soul searching was painful, Jack, but well worth the effort. The fact was, I discovered just how much I still love you, and that those feelings are growing, along with just how superficial they were towards Pete. I decided the only way to be truly happy was for the first time in my life to follow my heart instead of my head, which has always been with you, not him."

Still looking into the depths of his eyes, she continued on, "And that brings me to the last thing. Jack, I'm not sure how you feel about me or us. Until you tell me, I can only be sure of my own feelings. I’ve already told you I love you. Because of that, I'm not prepared to let things remain as they are. So as far as I’m concerned, everything’s out of that room we locked it in so long ago, regardless of what you may feel about me now. If somehow you can still love me, and I mean really love me,” she emphasized, “then I want us to be together no matter what." Looking off blankly into space, she continued in a small voice. "And if you don't, I'm going to put in for a transfer away from you and the SGC.

I've thought a lot about this, and I'm prepared to resign my commission if that's what it takes so we can be together. I'm not going to let my military career dictate my personal life any longer. Given a choice between pursuing my science or the military, I choose astrophysics hands down, especially since it means I could have you, too. Don’t get me wrong, I love the excitement of going on missions, but I’ve come to realize I’d much rather have some stability and a personal life off base. So if we can find a way, I want to transfer over to the civilian staff at the SGC. If we can’t, we need to find something acceptable to both of us because I just can't live my life alone anymore, and I won't live it a half truth like it was going to be with Pete." Suddenly stopping as if she'd just run out of air, Sam grew silent while still gazing expectantly back at Jack.

Meeting her gaze squarely, he quickly realized the futility of fighting the overpowering urge to gather her in his arms to kiss her passionately the way he'd envisioned in his dream earlier. Gladly admitting defeat, he reached out confidently to draw her into a tight embrace. Nestling her head under his chin, he nuzzled her soft silky hair, still fragrant with the smell of the peachy shampoo she'd used earlier. Then, gently tilting her head back to rake back a lock of golden hair from one eye, he bent over and placed the lightest of kisses to her forehead, content to just hold her there for several long seconds.

The apprehension that had been gnawing at Sam’s heart faded somewhat as he placed both arms around her waist to hold her, but began to resurface when it dawned on her that he still hadn’t said a word. Fearing that if at least one of them failed to act, the magic of the moment might slip away as it had before, she tilted her head back once again to look directly into his eyes. Seeing so much love displayed there and sensing as well as seeing the invitation, she slowly raised up to caress his lips with her own, eager to finally touch and taste the man she'd come to realize she loved more than life itself.

When their lips finally met, the electricity that arced between them left their bodies tingling and alive. Encouraging one another, the tentative little kiss grew deeper as tongues met and explored, first one then the other. As Jack plundered her mouth, he could feel his body tensing and knew his self-control was tenuous at best after so many years of desiring her but being powerless to do or say anything about it. With the realization of just how much he wanted this incredible woman, he was suddenly very reluctant to surface for some much needed air.

As the kisses and caresses deepened, Sam found herself unable to breathe in anything except short gasps as she found her own arousal growing almost exponentially. She knew she needed to slow things down. She could feel Jack pressing intimately against her, obviously excited as she. In a voice thickened by passion she finally managed to croak out, "Wow, Jack, now that was a kiss! And as much as I'd really like to see where this goes, I still need to hear what you think about me and what I've tried to explain. We've been able to control ourselves for the eight plus years we've worked closely together. So if you still love me after the mess I’ve made of both our lives, I think we should be able to wait a little bit longer to ensure we don't regret it later."

Becoming silent once again, she noticed that Jack had at some point slipped his hands down from resting lightly at her waist to her lower back, and was now slowly and sensually caressing her just inside the waist of her pants. It felt wonderful, but she knew they really needed to stop before they no longer could. 'Not that it would be such a terrible thing,' she thought wistfully. She knew if things were really meant to be for the two of them, they’d have plenty of time for that later. With a half smile and another quick kiss, she reached to grasp and squeeze his wandering hands and purred, "Talk, Jack… now is the time for you to talk."

He heard her words, but they didn't immediately register through the haze of love and desire threatening to overwhelm him any second. Not realizing where his hands had strayed, he grudgingly allowed Sam to take and intertwine his fingers with her own as she gazed back waiting for his reply. As she did, he leaned down to kiss her soundly before gently pulling her in to an embrace, allowing his addled brain a few more seconds to formulate a response to everything she’d said. The simple fact was that long ago she'd captured his heart, mind, and soul, while becoming the solid rock that somehow anchored his very existence. ‘After all that’s happened between us, how could she possibly doubt the extent of my love?’ he wondered.

For his part, Jack had long been aware of Sam’s intense need to balance her professional soldier side with a more feminine one that would allow her to act and feel like a normal woman outside of work. He always suspected she wanted to talk about it with him as much as he did, but things being the way they were, neither dared broach the subject. Even so, he knew she’d long craved a personal life and relationship away from the mountain. Consequently, he’d understood, if not been genuinely enthusiastic, when Pete came along.

He’d always hoped he would just be the temporary distraction Sam needed while waiting for things to change between the two of them. Since the Zatarc’ incident, he’d always believed he and Sam were destined to be together eventually. She would never actually fall in love with anyone else because deep inside, she loved him, and it was only a question of time before they could be together.

But his ego had taken a huge hit to learn that Pete wasn’t just someone that Sam enjoyed dating and occasionally having sex with. He really didn't blame her for scratching that particular itch, but when she started spending all of her off time with him it became painfully obvious just how serious things were getting. His naive little pipe dream seemed to be going up in smoke right before his eyes. The only thing he’d been able to do was sit back and watch while their relationship flourished and evolved right up to the point of marriage.

When Sam effectively distanced herself, Jack forced himself to get over it, rationalizing that he’d just become the close friend she seemed to want him to be. It hurt, and was so much harder than anything he’d ever done, but eventually he’d managed to convince himself to quit thinking about how unfair it all was and just put Sam’s happiness above his own hurt.

While her relationship with Pete didn’t exactly endear the man to him, he couldn't really blame her for seeking to fulfill her hopes and dreams. He was just thankful now that she'd finally come to her senses and finally given him an opportunity to tell her exactly how he felt. He wanted to say he'd been in love with her for a long, long time. And since the day that realization dawned, she'd been the only woman he really wanted.

Sure, there'd been a few others over the years. All but one had been off world, one time flings. 'Even then, they’d been under extenuating circumstances,' he hastened to remind himself. Like the one on the planet ‘Argos’. Thinking back on the whole thing now, Jack wondered if that one really even counted.

At the time, Sam hadn't been on the team very long, and although they’d already become pretty good friends, he didn’t really see it as anything more than that, at least, initially. He’d tried to stay professionally detached, but it wasn’t long before he found himself thinking of her with a certain touch of unprofessional fondness. He felt inexorably attracted to her, but not necessarily what you’d call ‘in love’.

After SG-1's arrival, several native women came over to offer each team member food and drink. He'd graciously accepted a large piece of what appeared to pass locally for cake from one extremely attractive attendant. He polished that and a second piece off before turning his full attention back to watching the young woman dancing and swaying seductively in front of him. Gyrating gracefully just out of reach, she seemed to be watching him and smiling, never breaking eye contact, as if waiting for him to respond.

Jack found himself quickly becoming aroused, while at the same time having more and more trouble focusing on anything except the tempting curves of her body. About the time it dawned on his sluggish brain that something definitely wasn't right, the drugs took full effect, slowing his mind to little more than a crawl. Blissfully unaware what was happening after that, he gazed lustfully back at the beautiful woman.

Unaware at the time how wrong it all was, but aching with desire, he’d followed her inside and enthusiastically made love to her before falling into a deep and satisfying sleep. Regaining consciousness sometime later, his body felt thoroughly sated, but his mind was still muddy and uncooperative. As memories of the last few hours slowly coalesced, it eventually occurred to him what must have happened: The young woman, Kynthia, who was still stretched out nude and asleep beside him, had drugged him! It was the only explanation. Jack knew he was no saint, but he didn't often sleep with someone he didn't even know just for the sex. As his mind cleared, he felt ashamed at having allowed himself to be so easily seduced, and even more so because it had been so pleasurable.

Hearing a noise, he looked up just in time to see Sam and the rest of SG-1 stroll in through the open door with weapons drawn. Apparently, they’d been searching for him all over town since noticing his absence nearly two hours earlier. Hearing him swear, and not knowing any better, Sam came running in with Daniel and Teal’c close behind, thinking he might be in trouble. Before he could yell for them to stop or cover either his lover or himself, they turned as one to see him sitting in all his glory with his hand on her bare thigh. Sam’s blue eyes instantly sought out his own brown ones for an explanation, even as her jaw dropped open in shock.

As soon as they shuffled out, he looked around till he finally found his clothes and quickly dressed. Even after explaining to the team what happened, Sam would still only speak to him when she had to, and it was days before she’d look him directly in the eye. Later, the SGC radioed back that based on the blood samples he'd insisted they send for analysis, he really didn't deserve the 'Captain Kirk' reputation after all. They'd found two different drugs: one, a very powerful aphrodisiac, and the other, a potent, short-lived narcotic, as well as being laced with microscopic machines called ‘nanobots’.

Jack shifted mental gears to another time when he'd been stranded for three months on a planet called ‘Edora’. He was still plagued with guilt over what happened there, so as a result, he literally had to force himself to remember the details.

It all started with a once-in-a-lifetime meteor shower resulting in an impact very near the Edoran Stargate, burying it under perhaps ten feet of dirt and rock. For several long weeks, he labored tirelessly to locate and uncover it, without success. All during that time, an attractive local widow named Laira continued to befriend him, and her advances over time became too strong to resist. Eventually, he finally gave in and slept with her after getting thoroughly drunk at a town party.

The next day, Teal'c finally broke through after tunneling up from the buried Gate. He’d been understandably confused and elated at his answered prayer for rescue. But that wasn’t any excuse for what he did next. In his excitement, he passionately kissed Laira goodbye, while Sam, who’d been working tirelessly 24/7 for more than three months to get him home, stood looking on with only partially concealed hurt.

It was a stupid thing to do in front of someone you were slowly falling in love with. While later trying to explain everything without actually coming out and admitting anything, Sam had quietly informed him he didn't need to apologize. It was just his lack of confidence that she’d find a way to get him home that devastated her most. After that, he’d vowed never again to doubt or give up on her.

In retrospect, the incident had been the catalyst that finally moved him to solidify his feelings towards Sam. When that happened, he had no way of knowing whether there would ever be an opportunity to do anything about the fire still burning for her in his heart. In spite of the odds, he’d held on, knowing she was worth waiting for. But up until just a few minutes ago, it seemed he was destined to die a lonely old man.

The only serious challenge to that resolution Jack willingly attributed to Pete’s appearance. As the relationship between he and Sam developed, she admittedly distanced herself from him. In the face of her apparent rejection, he eventually convinced himself to bend, if not break, his vow. He needed a life too, even if it meant one without her. In a valiant attempt at getting over Sam once and for all, he'd met and started dating a very attractive CIA employee attached to the SGC named Kerry Johnson.

Continue to Part 4

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