Just As I Am

Title: Just As I Am

Author: Suz W.

Feedback: It would be great to hear from you!

Spoilers: After The Sentinel and Meridian (episode tag)

Rating: PG, S/J Romance, Friendship, Angst, and Hurt/Comfort.

Summary: In the wake of Daniel’s death, those that were closest to him are left to deal with the changes that it brings.

Disclaimer: All publicity recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended.

Copyright: The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. Copyrighted on March 6, 2005, by Suzanne R. Whitmarsh.

Author’s Notes: This story follows “The Ties That Bind”. This story will take you on more of an emotional journey rather than an action/adventure story like the last one I wrote a little over a month ago. But I hope you will find this one just as appealing, touching your heart in a different way. As always, I love hearing from my readers, so your feedback is always welcomed and very much appreciated. Enjoy the story and thanks for being such a great support structure for me!

Dedication: This story is dedicated to Dee. Being one of the first to always read and send me your thoughts on my stories, I can’t thank you enough for your support and friendship. Your kindness and gracious manner never fail to brighten my day, and I am so happy and privileged to have you as a reader and friend!

The hallway leading to the infirmary seemed darker than usual, with the walls imposing their presence to an almost suffocating level. As Sam moved, every step she took seemed to echo around her, and as she approached the room where Daniel had just died only hours before, her movement became even harder.

It didn’t seem real. Sam half expected Daniel to come bounding up to her at any second, practically running her down in order to relay to her his latest theory or discovery of an ancient world that rather they or another SG team had just visited. Her lips turned into a small smile at the thought, but then just as suddenly frowned, only realizing too quickly that it would never happen again. He was gone, and nothing would ever change that.

Her breath felt tight in her chest as her throat constricted, another wave of emotions ready to surface. Her eyes still felt swollen against her cheeks, undoubtedly still red from the last round of tears that she’d allowed herself in the privacy of her lab. It had taken an immeasurable feat to leave that place of seclusion, but she wanted to check on Janet, and knew that her friend needed her.

Thinking back to the moments after Daniel had died and ascended, no one had moved. It was as if they were all frozen in time, unable to break free from the tragedy around them. But gradually after a few minutes, Janet took in a shaky breath, reminding everyone to breathe. Moving slowly, she reached for the machine that had been monitoring his vitals and clicked it off, leaving an eerie silence in its wake. A nurse then entered the room, and with a nod from Janet, began disconnecting Daniel from the monitor. As he did this, Jacob reached over and put his arm around Sam. Hesitating for only a moment, Sam then turned her body into his and let him fully embrace her, needing to feel the support and love of her father more than ever.

As they embraced, Jack looked to Teal’c briefly, who gave him a small, sad nod. Blinking, Jack moved his eyes over to Sam and Jacob, still embraced in a hug. Taking a step back, he retreated into the shadows and quietly left the room, heading for a retreat of somewhere other than there. After a few more minutes had passed, everyone, save the medical staff, left the room, each of them wanting a place to process what had just happened.

Sam had spent the next hour with her father, allowing herself to cry quietly as he held her, unsure of how to accept the loss of her friend. Eventually, her dad left to go talk to General Hammond and to see what he could do to help with any preparations that would need to be made. Sam had felt the overwhelming desire to run to Jack, desperate to have the strength of his arms wrapped around her. But she knew that as long as they were on base, they had to be careful, and even Daniel’s death wouldn’t allow for any exceptions to that rule. So she had decided to seek out Janet instead, mustering up enough of her own strength to put aside her own needs for that of her friend.

When Sam reached the doorway to the room where Daniel had died, she intended to just keep moving, not wanting to linger in a place where the presence of death was still so new. But something caught her eye and she turned her head to see what it was. Taking in a quick breath, she discovered Janet standing stone still, facing away from the door, staring endlessly at the now empty bed before her.

Hesitating, Sam moved with painful steps as she entered the room, her heart aching for the woman in front of her. Moving up beside her, she placed a gentle hand on Janet’s back, her voice soft as she spoke. “Janet?”

Janet’s eyes were transfixed on the bed in front of her. For a moment, she didn’t move; but then she blinked and her head moved to the right just slightly. As she spoke, her voice came in shaky waves, her tone so soft, Sam had to strain to hear her. “He was right here, alive, only hours ago. All I could do was stand by and watch him…die. I failed him.” Her voice faded, leaving the room with only a hollow and empty sound.

Sam tried to find more strength in her voice. “Janet, you didn’t fail him. There was nothing you could have done. The radiation he received was astronomical. No one could have survived that amount…you know that. Please don’t blame yourself. Daniel wouldn’t want that.”

Janet just shook her head and righted herself a little straighter. “Yeah, well, he’s not here now, and I know he didn’t want that!” Her voice was bitter with regret and pent up emotion.

Suddenly, Jack’s voice invaded the room. “Actually,” he said with a softer tone than usual, “he did.”

Sam and Janet both turned around to find Jack standing in the doorway, his hands buried into the pockets of his pants. His eyes moved to Sam’s face, giving her the smallest of smiles before moving forward, his steps deliberate and slow. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop…I just didn’t want you blaming yourself for this.”

Janet met his eyes. “Well, I appreciate that, Colonel, but words just aren’t going to fix this. I know your trying to make me feel better, but I also know he didn’t want to die.”

Jack shuffled his feet. “Well, I don’t really know much about this whole ascending business, but from what I understand, he didn’t…die, but went to…” Jack seemed at a loss for the appropriate words, and he looked to Sam.

Sam gave him a small smile. “A higher plane of existence.”

Jack nodded. “Yeah, that’s it…what she said.”

Janet looked confused. “I’m sorry, Colonel. I guess I don’t understand how Daniel ascending means that he wanted that…that he wanted to die.” Emotionally tired, she sat down on the bed and allowed her eyes to drift to the floor.

Jack hesitated for a moment. He wasn’t sure if it was such a good idea to tell people that he’d spoken with Daniel while he was dying on the table in front of all of them. That might seem a little bit too crazy…even for him. And since he didn’t understand how it had happened, he didn’t want to try and explain it. So he decided to improvise. “Look…I spoke with Daniel right before the end. He mentioned something about this…ascending business. He said that one of those glowing beings had invited him to join them…and that he’d accepted. Something about him wanting to do more with his life.”

Looking at Janet, he could see the shock in her face…and the hurt. Mumbling under his breath, he wrung his hand behind his neck. “Damn…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that he didn’t care about…well, you know…”

Janet stared at him, unsure of how to process what she’d heard. “Then why didn’t you say something when Sam attempted to heal him? Why prolong what you say he didn’t want?” Her eyes bore into his face, waiting for an answer that would somehow ease the desperate ache in her heart.

Jack could feel both Sam and Janet’s eyes on him, waiting for an answer. He didn’t think that he’d be put under the microscope, but considering his company, he realized in the same instance that he should have thought harder about his decision to cover the truth. But it was too late to turn back now. “I guess I wanted to see if it would work. Look, I may not have always gotten along with Daniel, but I still respected him for what he did for us. He was an important member of our team, and that’s not going to be easy to replace.” Taking a breath, he went on. “When Jacob took over and tried to heal him, I don’t know…something inside of me told me that he didn’t want that. All I kept hearing were Daniel’s words inside my head…that he wanted us to let him go.” Looking to Sam, he gave her a quick pleading look, hoping she understood. Then he brought his eyes back to Janet, who now seemed to be lost in her own thoughts. “I’m sorry, Doc.”

Janet blinked and sniffed softly. Looking briefly at Jack, she offered the smallest of smiles. “No, don’t be. You were right to say what you did. The more I think about it, it does sound like something he would have said.” Letting the silence surround them, she allowed a single tear to roll down her pale cheek.

Sam reached out and took Janet’s hand. “I’m so sorry, Janet. I wish I could say or do something to make this better for you.” Her voice cracked with emotion, and she found herself wiping away fresh tears. Despite the fact that it was Daniel who had died, she couldn’t help thinking about all the times that she’d almost lost Jack. It felt selfish to worry about her own fears instead of focusing on Janet’s pain, but she couldn’t help relating the two. Looking over at Jack briefly, their eyes met, and she could see that he was thinking the same thing about her.

Janet looked up in time to see the connection between them. Glancing up at the base cameras, she took a breath and directed her attention at a leftover roll of gauze that had been used to bandage Daniel. “There’s so little time in life when it all comes down to it.” Thinking about all the moments that she wouldn’t get to share with Daniel, she looked up at them with tears in her eyes. “Make sure that you make every moment given to you count, because you can’t get them back once they’re gone.” Standing up, she moved quickly from the room, tears now flowing freely.

Sam and Jack allowed the stillness of the room and the retreat of Janet’s heels on the floor to surround them. Her words hung in the air like a fragrant flower, penetrating all of their senses. Eyes meeting, they held each other’s gaze for a few precious seconds, invisible emotions running freely between them. Jack wanted to reach out and take her in his arms, his heart desperate to feel her against him. He wanted to press his lips to hers and feel the sweet sensations that only her skin could give. There was so much reality to the situation they now found themselves in…too much reality. “…you can’t get them back once they’re gone…” Janet’s words sent his head spinning, and he could feel himself losing control.

But just as soon as it started, their moment was over as General Hammond stopped in the hallway outside of the room. Softly clearing his throat, they both quickly directed their attention his way, hoping that the intimate moment they’d been sharing had gone unnoticed. As he entered the room, he wore a solemn expression on his weary face. “Major Carter, Colonel O’Neill…I’m glad I found you. I know this is a difficult time for both of you, more so than anyone else on the base. But I thought you’d like to know that there will be a small memorial service for Dr. Jackson two days from now in front of the Stargate.”

Sam and Jack both silently nodded.

General Hammond could see that they were taking this hard. Stepping closer, he tried to relax his tone. “I know it will be hard, especially for your team, but he deserves nothing less. I would like to ask both of you to give a short eulogy in his memory.”

Sam gave General Hammond a teary eyed nod. “Yes, Sir.” Her voice sounded flat and weak, even to her. Afraid of breaking down, she went on without a breath. “If you’ll excuse me, Sir, I need to get some fresh air.”

General Hammond placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Of course. Try and get some rest.”

Sam nodded and sniffed, careful to avoid Jack’s eyes for fear of losing control. “Thank you, Sir.” And with that, she headed out the door, with Jack and General Hammond watching her as she left.

General Hammond turned to Jack, who was still fixated on the doorway through which Sam had just left by. “Look, Jack. I’m truly sorry about the loss of Daniel. He was a good man and an essential asset to this base and your team. Replacing him won’t be easy.”

Jack blinked and looked over at the general. “Yes, Sir, he was a good man. But forgive me if I don’t feel up to doing interviews just yet.”

General Hammond looked solemn. “Of course, son. We can talk more about it after the memorial service.”

Jack barely heard him. His thoughts were still on Sam and the fact that he wanted to hold her in his arms more than anything at that moment. “Yes, Sir.” His words came out muffled and half-hearted.

General Hammond could see that Jack was not up for much talking. “Go home and get some rest, Jack. That’s an order.” As he started for the door, he had a thought and turned around. “Oh, and if you see Jacob wandering the halls, you might mention to him that his daughter probably needs him right now. She looked pretty upset.”

Jack simply nodded and watched as General Hammond gave him a sad smile and then left the room. Sam definitely needed someone, but after the day they’d just had, he decided to be selfish and send himself instead of her father, mainly because he needed her. Finding the strength to move, he left the room and headed for his office to retrieve his jacket and keys. His instincts told him that he wouldn’t find Sam on the base this evening. Letting his heart guide him, he stopped in at his office, grabbed what he needed, and headed to the surface.

An hour later, after stopping by a Chinese take-out place and running by his house to make sure she wasn’t there, Jack pulled up in front of Sam’s house. Stepping out of his truck, the cool air brushed over his face, awakening his senses. It was the end of April, and though the evenings were still cool, the days had begun to warm up, causing the trees and flowers around him to come to life. Everything was in bloom, and as the setting sun illuminated the flowering Dogwood in Sam’s front yard, now filled with heavy white blossoms, Jack closed his eyes temporarily, taking in the rich floral scent that it gave off. Jack loved the outdoors, and usually found a certain peace for his soul by just experiencing it. But as he opened his eyes again, the ache that filled his heart and head was still there. Nothing except Sam and some time would help him through this.

Walking up to Sam’s front door, he fumbled for her key on his key ring. Finding it, he slipped it easily into the lock and turned it, unlocking the door with a gentle click. Opening the door, he entered a quiet house. The kitchen light was on, as well as a single lamp on one of the end tables in the living room directly in front of him. The warm glow from the light illuminated the room, but gave no hint of Sam’s presence.

Putting his keys down and taking off his jacket, he hung it up on one of the hooks and then moved forward down the front hallway. Calling out, his voice sounded hollow and uncertain. “Sam?? Are you here?”

A noise in the kitchen sent Jack’s attention in that direction. Relived to find her home, he called out as he made his way to the kitchen. “Sorry it took me so long to get here, but I decided to pick up some Chinese on the way here. Hope you’re hungry…” Jack suddenly stopped short and was surprised to find himself looking into the face of Jacob instead of Sam.

Jacob couldn’t help but allow a simple smile on his lips as he caught the surprised expression on Jack’s face. “Well, thanks, Jack, but I’ve never really liked Chinese.”

Jack tried to hide the awkwardness of the situation. Even though he knew that Jacob was aware of his relationship with Sam, it was still too new to find any kind of comfort level. Clearing his throat, he moved forward slowly and placed the food on the island in the kitchen. “Jacob. I didn’t know you were going to be here.”

Jacob shrugged. “Well, that’s the general idea of being surprised.”

Jack wasn’t sure what to say next. They were in new territory with each other; it was easy to talk to him regarding military matters, but this was personal. “Um, look, Jacob, I know this is probably still a little weird for you…”

Jacob gave a quick laugh. “A little doesn’t quite begin to describe it.” Taking a breath, he leaned back on the counter behind him. “Jack, I’m not going to pretend that I’m at all comfortable with this situation. As I told you before, this is a dangerous game the two of you are playing.”

Jack immediately spoke up. “It’s not a game, Jacob. I love her.”

Jacob held up his hands. “I know that, Jack. Any blind man could sense that. Frankly, I’m shocked that the entire base hasn’t figured it out yet. I guess you should both be commended for your acting skills. But I know that Sam loves you, and her happiness is what matters the most to me. So I won’t interfere. That is, unless you decide to do something stupid and break her heart. Then you’ll have to answer to me.”

Jack felt like a 16-year-old going out on his first date. “I can respect that, Jacob. But I also hope you know that I would never intentionally hurt her.”

For a moment, Jacob simply studied him. Then he crossed his arms over his chest and nodded his head. “I believe you.” Nodding in the direction of the back deck, Jacob went on. “Come on. She’ll be happy to see you. There’s a certain light that you put in her eyes that no one else can. And she definitely needs some comfort.”

Jack and Jacob walked to the back door and stepped out onto the deck, allowing the new evening to absorb them. Sam had her back to them as she leaned against one of the rails, her eyes searching the sky. It was partly covered with clouds, invisible to the night. They streaked across the sky, concealing some of the stars that dotted the sky. The wind had begun to pick up, ruffling the blond hair around her face.

Jacob spoke up softly, not wanting to startle her. “Sam, honey….”

Sam’s voice was distant with grief and pain. “Hey, Dad. A storm’s moving in…I can feel the temperature dropping.” Sniffing, she shook her head slightly. “Did you find something to eat?”

Jacob hesitated. “Well, not really, but someone showed up with food…”

Sam furrowed her brow as she turned around. When she did, her eyes met Jack’s. For a moment, she didn’t know what to do, relaying the same hesitation that Jack had at first seeing Jacob. But as they continued to look at each other, her eyes began to tear up, glistening against the light coming from the house. And then her face crumbled, allowing a quick sobbing sound to escape from her throat as she covered her face with her hands.

In two long strides, Jack had her in his arms, wrapping her tightly against him. Pressing his face into her neck, he whispered to her softly. “Shhh…I’m here, baby. It’s going to be okay.”

Jacob quietly retreated into the house, giving them time to be alone. He didn’t want to be a third wheel, especially when it came to his daughter’s happiness. No matter how worried he was about their secret relationship, he wanted her to be happy, and if Jack was going to be the one to do that for her, then he wouldn’t interfere.

Jack and Sam held each other tightly, letting time pass without notice. Jack stroked her back softly as Sam softly shook in his arms. He could feel the fabric of his shirt start to cling to his shoulder as her tears continued to flow. Finding his voice, he spoke to her, carefully finding what he hoped were the right words. “Sam…I’m so sorry. I should have been here earlier…”

Sam shook her head, sniffing as she pulled back to look into his face, placing one of her hands on his cheek. “It doesn’t matter. You’re here now.”

Jack took one of his hands and wiped at her tears. “You bet I am, and I’m not going anywhere.” Placing a soft, feathery kiss on her forehead, he then pulled her back into his chest, cuddling her against him.

For the next few minutes, nothing was said. Nothing needed to be said. Their hearts did all the talking. They found themselves not only bound by love, but in that moment, bound by grief. Eventually, Sam pulled away, looking up into his eyes. “Thanks. I needed that.”

Jack gave her a soft smile. “Hey, I can do that all night if you want me to. I may be a macho, gun-carrying, Goa’uld ass kicker, but I can still find enough time to use these arms for what they’re really good for.”

Sam couldn’t help but smile through her tears. “And what’s that?”

Jack straightened himself a notch as he gave her a cockier version of his smile. “Why, loving you of course.”

Sam took his hand. “And you’re great at what you do.” She did her best to sound cheerful, but it was hard. It had been an extremely long and very hard day. All she wanted to do was sleep. Earlier, she thought that might be impossible, but now that Jack was with her, she didn’t foresee any problems falling asleep in his arms.

Clearing her throat and wiping at her cheeks again, she tugged lightly on his hand. “Come on. Let’s see what my dad’s doing.”

Jack hesitated. “You know…isn’t that a little….well, I don’t know…strange for you? I mean, I feel like a teenager trying to survive the wrath of your big, bad father. I keep half expecting him to pull out a shovel and a 22 caliber rifle.”

Sam gave a small laugh. “That’s my dad for you. He was always hard on any boy that I brought home. Not that I brought home that many…I was always so busy studying, I really didn’t have time or the interest in dating.”

Jack tried to act shocked. “No!! You?? I can’t ever imagine you as the little study bug!” Pretending to be hurt as she playfully slugged him in the arm, they walked back into the house, their hearts a little lighter. Calling out to her dad, they found him in the kitchen, munching lightly on the Chinese food that Jack had brought with him.

“Hey!” Jack said as he eyed his food being consumed. “I thought you didn’t like Chinese food!”

Jacob stuffed another forkful into his mouth before standing up from his slouched over position, trying to look innocent. “Well, it was getting cold. And I didn’t want all your hard efforts to go to waste.”

Jack gave him an annoyed look. “Yeah, well have you heard of these revolutionary things we’ve got now? They’re called microwaves!” Jack looked over and Sam and waved a hand in her father’s direction. “Well, that was a dinner for two…”

Sam held up her hand and gave him a smile. “Don’t worry about it. I’m not hungry anyway.” Looking down the hall towards her bedroom, she turned back around to face them. “Why don’t the two of you finish it up? I’m going to go lay down. I can’t seem to shake this dull headache I’ve got.” Looking at her father, she moved over and gave him a quick hug. “Feel free to stay, Dad. You know where the guest room is.”

Jacob caught Jack’s disappointed look and thought for a moment before looking back down at his daughter, giving her a hug in return. “Thanks, Sam, but I’ve got to get back to the base. There are some other things I need to take care of with General Hammond.” Catching Sam’s confused look, he went on. “Besides, three’s a crowd as they say.”

Sending a quick nod in Jack’s direction, Jacob caught the color rising in Sam’s cheeks. When she stammered quietly, searching for a response, he only laughed. “Don’t worry, Sam. I know you’re a big girl now. Just promise me one thing?”

Sam looked up at her father with admiration and a slight smile. “What’s that?”

Jacob put a finger under her chin. “Be happy, kiddo. Just be happy.”

Sam smiled. “I am, Dad. I can promise you that.”

Jacob nodded to Jack. “Well, I’m off then. I’ll see you both at the memorial service. If you need anything, I’ll be at the base.” Then thinking twice as he reached for the front door, he turned around and pulled Sam into a hug once more. “I love you, Sam.” His voice was thick with the emotion from the day, and she could tell he was thinking about what had happened.

Sam hugged him tighter. “I love you too, Dad.”

Jacob eyed Jack. “Jack, don’t make me regret this.”

As he watched Jacob turn and walk out the front door and down the steps, Jack called out after him. “Love you too, Dad!” At Sam’s look, he simply shrugged. “What?!”

After they’d watched Jacob pull safely out of the driveway and start out, Sam closed the door and collapsed against it. Jack could see the weariness in her eyes as she looked at him, wearing a smile that was only half there. Stepping forward, he scooped her into his arms and carried her back to her bedroom.

Laying her down gently, he pulled the covers up to her neck and then moved around to the other side of the bed. Taking off his jeans and shirt, he climbed in next to her and pulled her to him. With her head lying on his chest, Jack could feel the warmth of her breath against his skin. “Penny for your thoughts?”

For a moment, Sam didn’t say anything. When she finally did speak, her voice was once again choked with emotion. “I can’t believe he’s gone, Jack. Daniel’s been with us from the beginning, and even before that.”

Jack tried to respond with a lighter tone. “Yeah, I have to admit that I’m going to miss that ugly mug of his.”

Sam knew Jack well enough by now to know when he was avoiding his own emotions. Normally, she would call him on it right away. But the weariness in her heart and soul was too much, and she simply closed her eyes and tried to push Daniel’s face from her mind. Taking in the heat from Jack’s skin, and soaking up the soft chills that ran through her body as Jack lightly ran his hand over her arm, she drifted slowly into an uneasy sleep. Before allowing sleep to completely consume her, she whispered softly to his heart. “I love you, Jack.”

Jack’s lips curved into a soft smile as his arm tightened around her. “I love you too, Samantha…so very much.” Closing his eyes, he too allowed sleep to come, hoping his dreams would remain void of anything unpleasant.

Two days later, Sam and Jack found themselves, along with practically the rest of the base, assembled in the Gate room. The mood was somber, and conversation was kept to a bare minimum. Sam, Jack, and Teal’c stood together at the front of the crowd, facing the gate. The podium used for all formal affairs at the base stood in its familiar place about halfway up the ramp, centered to its audience. A number of floral arrangements had been placed around the Gate room. Two of the largest sat to the right side of the ramp, with a large picture of Daniel placed between them.

Sam stared at the photo, her eyes beginning to water with fresh tears. Janet had chosen the picture. It had been taken on their white water trip, only a few weeks ago. Daniel’s smile was so carefree, so happy. His eyes sparkled in the picture, and his skin held a new tan that glowed warmly. It was such a stark contrast to the serious archeologist that most of the people there had known. But it also portrayed the real Daniel, the person he had been outside of the base, and how his friends had best known him.

Jack looked over at Sam and caught her looking at the picture. “Carter,” he whispered, “are you going to be able to do this?”

Sam looked back at him, giving him the best courageous smile she had. “Honestly, I don’t know. But I’m going to try. Daniel deserves nothing less.” Studying Jack for a moment longer, she looked into his eyes. “How about you? Do you think you’ll be able to do this?”

Jack took a breath and looked at the empty podium facing them. “We’ll see.” Just then, the doors opened and General Hammond and Jacob walked through the door. Each was dressed in their best dress blues, decorated with all their stars, strips, and metals. Sam was surprised but pleased to see her father don his dress blues. Ever since he had become host to Selmak, she hadn’t seen him wear his formal military uniform.

Everyone stood to attention as the two generals made their way past those who had gathered, watching as they made their way up the ramp, coming to stand behind the podium. The silence in the room as their footsteps stopped could have been cut with a knife. No one even seemed to breathe as General Hammond looked back at each of them. When he finally spoke, his voice sounded tired and drained of the energy it normally possessed. “At ease.” Taking another moment to gather his thoughts, he continued. “We are gathered here together on this day to honor the memory of yet another of our fallen heroes. Dr. Daniel Jackson was an intricate part of our operations here. Civilian in standing, he fought bravely against some of the most evil enemies seen to date, and along with his team, SG-1, pulled out victorious time and time again. He will be remembered for his compassion, kindness, knowledge, bravery, and humble pride. I feel privileged to have not only known such a man, but to have been able to call him friend.” Taking a breath, he looked at Sam. “Major Samantha Carter and Colonel Jack O’Neill would now like to share with you what made Dr. Jackson such a great man. Major Carter…Colonel O’Neill?”

Jack and Sam moved forward, keeping their eyes forward, walking in strict military fashion, exchanging places with General Hammond and Jacob. Reaching the podium, Sam took her place in front of it, looking out at her co-workers and friends. With a shaky breath, she began. “Dr. Daniel Jackson was a man of many qualities. He was not only brave, but found compassion in the worst of times. His feelings on equality and peace were infectious, and he set an example to all that knew him. His knowledge on the ancient civilizations was a crucial part to all of our missions, and was a constant resource in times of need.” Pausing for a moment, she went on. “But more than that, and most importantly, he was a great friend…” Starting to choke up, she swallowed hard, trying to contain her emotions and calm her shaking hands. She could feel Jack take a small, unnoticeable step closer to her and brush a disguised finger over her hip. As if giving her the strength to continue, Sam took a breath and went on. “He was a great friend who cared more about others then his own well being, evident by the final act of his life. I feel privileged to have not only known him and call him friend, but to have been witness to the extraordinary qualities that he brought to this base, and to the fight to keep our planet free from enemy hands. He will be missed.” Offering a subtle smile, mostly in her father’s direction, she stepped to the side, allowing Jack room to move to where she had been standing.

Jack gingerly approached the attention of the room. He looked over at Sam and gave her a brief nod that would have only been read by those in attendance as an act of respect; but to Sam, she knew it meant so much more. She gave him the smallest of smiles before he turned his eyes back to his audience.

Clearing his throat, he began. “I had the privilege of knowing Daniel longer than most of you. He was among those of us who traveled through the Stargate on the very first mission to Abydos. From the start, I was able to see the kind of man that he was. Not only was he compassionate and intelligent, but he was also stubborn, unrelenting in his beliefs, and unwilling to follow orders at times.” At Jack’s hesitation, those in the room began mumbling softly and looking at each other as if to confirm what they had just heard.

Jack could feel Sam’s eyes on him as he held up his hand and continued. “Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering why I would bother to bring up anything about Daniel that may seem less than noble. It’s no secret that Daniel and I had our differences. My team can attest to this many times over. But it was these qualities…that actually gave SG-1 some of the victories we’re known for. Daniel was a friend, companion, teammate, and genuine good guy. I can say this now because he’s not here to give me that annoying ‘I was right’ smile.” Quiet laughter filtered through the room, giving Jack a moment to take a much-needed breath.

When the laughter subsided, Jack continued. “Daniel’s shoes will be hard, if not impossible, to fill. He will be missed on every mission when SG-1 steps through the Gate. And I know he will be missed here on the base.” Stepping back from the podium, he moved around it and joined Sam as she descended the ramp to rejoin Teal’c. Once in place, a bugle began to play “Taps”, the song honoring fallen heroes. As it was played, the Stargate was then dialed to one of the yet unexplored destinations from the dialing program. The wormhole exploded out in front of them in a watery blue wave, sending light everywhere. Aiming high, two airmen then sent a 12-gun salute through the wormhole, signifying that Daniel’s journey had only just begun.

Standing in salute formation, Sam and Jack kept their eyes forward, focused on the wormhole. As long as the wormhole was sustained, it was easy to avoid thinking about the finality of what they were witnessing. As the echoing from the gun salute silenced, the wormhole was disengaged, leaving behind a sudden and all to empty feeling of loss. General Hammond stepped forward and turned around. Saluting those before him, he spoke, carrying dignity in his voice. “Dismissed.”

Easing their stances, everyone slowly shuffled out of the room. Some held quiet conversation, while others said nothing at all. As the Gate room emptied, Sam moved over to her father and embraced him. “Thanks for staying, Dad. I know Daniel would have appreciated it.”

Jacob squeezed his daughter a little tighter. “I’m proud of you, Sam. I know it was hard, but you honored Daniel well with your words.”

Sam pulled back and gave him an appreciative smile. “Thanks, Dad.”

Jacob then turned to Jack. “Jack, you’re speech…well, I’m sure if Daniel could have heard it, he would have been smiling. Nice job.”

Jack gave Jacob a genuine smile. “Thanks, Jacob.”

General Hammond cleared his throat. “Um, not to change the subject, but I need to know the status of SG-1.”

Jack gave him a confused look. “Status, Sir? I’m not sure what you mean.” Jack glanced over at Sam, who only slightly shrugged.

General Hammond clarified. “I need to know when you will be ready to go off world again.”

Jack answered him promptly. “We’re ready now, Sir.”

General Hammond furrowed his brow. “What about Daniel’s replacement? Have you found one?”

Jack just stared at him. “Frankly, Sir, I didn’t really plan on replacing him. I just don’t think we’ll be able to find someone qualified enough to replace him.”

Jacob intervened. “Jack, you need a fourth person on your team. Not only for ancient translations, but for backup. The safety of your team depends on it.”

Jack caught the word safety as Jacob emphasized it, and he knew by the look in his eye he was not only referring to the team of SG-1, but the promise that he’d made to Jacob to keep his daughter safe and happy. Sighing heavily, he crossed his arms over his chest. “Look,” he said, his tone deepening with irritation, “I appreciate your concern, but I promise that I have my team’s best interest at heart. Bringing in some rookie to try and replace what Daniel did for us will only guarantee our failure!”

General Hammond puffed up his chest slightly. “You don’t know that, Colonel O’Neill. Now I’m asking you to at least try and find someone to fill the spot. Don’t make this an order. You’ve all been through a very rough time, and I don’t want to have to add to it. So until you have come up with a possible replacement, I am going to have to limit the number of missions you and your team go on. Is that understood?”

Jack looked as if he was going to burst from the seams of his suit jacket. After a moment of silence, he finally answered, his lips thin and his voice tight. “Yes, Sir. Permission to be dismissed, Sir.”

General Hammond nodded. “Permission granted. Colonel, Major…get some rest. I’ll see you both, along with Teal’c, for a briefing tomorrow at 1000 hours. Dismissed.”

With that, Jack turned on his heel and headed out of the Gate room, never looking back. Sam looked at her father, who simply nodded in understanding. “I’ll see you later, Sam.”

Sam gave him a quick smile. “Sounds good.” Then, nodding at General Hammond, she took her leave, heading in the same direction Jack had left by. She didn’t know if he was ready to talk, but she had to at least attempt to see if she could help him through this.

Wanting to get out of her dress blues before she began her search, she headed for the locker room to quickly change. But when she reached the door of the locker room and opened it, she discovered that her search was over before it had begun. There, sitting on one of the benches was Jack. He had discarded his coat and hat on the floor and had his tie hanging precariously around his neck.

Jack looked up as she entered and held her look for a moment before reaching down and picking up his jacket and hat, standing up in the process. “Carter. Is it time for this to become the women’s locker room?”

Sam stepped forward, closing the door behind her. She knew that was risky…if anyone saw her enter and close the door with Jack still inside, suspicions would be almost assured. But she didn’t really care at that moment. All she cared about was helping the man she loved. “Jack…”

Jack looked over at her. “Not now, not here. We can talk later.”

Sam could see he was on the defensive. Not ready to give up, she pressed on. “No, Sir, we can’t. This needs to be worked out. It concerns the team, and I think that you need all of our insight on it.”

Jack whipped around. “Oh?!! And just what is your insight, Carter?”

Sam took a step closer. “Just that I think we need someone with Daniel’s qualifications on the team. It’s important to the success of our missions.” Sam wasn’t sure why he was so upset, but she wasn’t going to back down. She could be just as stubborn as he was.

Jack punched the locker beside him before taking a step forward, throwing his jacket and hat back down, this time on the bench beside him. “Well, newsflash, Carter! I’m not going to be responsible for the death of some rookie just because Hammond wants to fill some shoes! I’ve already got Daniel’s death against me. I don’t need another strike.”

Sam took in a breath. “Is that what’s really bothering you?” When Jack didn’t answer right away, she continued. “You are not responsible for his death…you have to know that somewhere inside of yourself. Daniel died on account of his own actions, not your orders.”

Jack shook his head. “Maybe, but I’m still ultimately responsible for what he does…did…you know what I mean.” Taking a breath, he continued on. “Besides, I won’t take any risks when it comes to yours or Teal’c’s safety...” Moving forward within reach of her, he lowered his voice drastically and reached out, touching her cheek with his fingers as he cupped the side of her face. “Especially your safety. I don’t think I would have ever survived if that had been you dying in that bed.”

The silence settled in for a moment before Sam placed a hand over his as it held her face. “I know…it would have been the same for me. But what happened to Daniel was based on a decision that he made, without your knowledge. Throwing himself through that glass to save that planet and ultimately us was a selfless act. We can’t condemn him for that.”

Jack shook his head and dropped his hand. “I don’t condemn him…I blame myself. And I’ll be damned if I let it happen again. And putting a new person on the team will just assure that.”

Sam began with a protest. “But you don’t know that…”

Jack shook his head. “No, I don’t know that, but I’m not willing to risk it. Now, I’m going to change and head home for the night. I’m sure you want to spend some time with your dad. So I’ll see you tomorrow at the briefing.”

Sam was shocked at the obvious lack of invitation to spend the night with him. When she didn’t respond, Jack looked up after throwing a shirt on and could see she was confused. Stepping within a breaths distance of her, he took her face in his hands and kissed her lips lightly. “I just need tonight to sort through some things on my own, okay?” When Sam nodded, he gave her another quick kiss. Whispering in her ear, he continued. “I love you, Sam. Just trust me, okay?”

Sam reached up and touched one of his hands, searching his face. “Of course I will, but promise me that you’ll let me help.”

Jack gave her a reassuring smile. “I promise. Now get some rest.” And with that, he headed to the door, opened it and stopped long enough to look back at her before disappearing into the hallway, letting the door close behind him.

And so Sam found herself alone in a darkened locker room. Daniel was gone and Jack was fighting a battle he didn’t want her help with. Sitting down on one of the benches, she suddenly felt overwhelmed from everything that had just happened in the span of a few days. Bringing her knees up to hug her chest, she laid her head down and cried…cried for the pain from Daniel’s sudden death and for the ache in her heart at not having Jack on a night when she needed him the most.

But she wasn’t going to give up…she was determined to talk to him about this tomorrow. And she was going to get him to see reason…no matter what she had to do. She was not going to sit back and watch Jack blame himself for something that was out of his control. She loved him too much to allow that to happen.

Next Story---> "Unspoken Truths"

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