Into A Darkening Abyss
Title:
Into a
Darkening Abyss
Author: Suz W.
Spoilers: After Grace, Fallout, and Chimera (episode
tag)
Feedback: I'd love to hear from you!
Old
Stories Referenced: none
Rating: PG-13, S/J Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, and
Angst.
Summary: With life suddenly punching him in the gut, Jack
reflects on the sudden changes that have left a hole in his heart.
Disclaimer: All publicity recognizable characters and places are
the property of MGM, Sci-Fi Productions, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret
Productions. This piece of fan fiction
was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on
copyrights or trademarks was intended.
Copyright: The original characters, situations, and story are
the property of the author. Copyrighted
on August 5, 2007, by
Author’s Notes: This story follows “
Dedication: Even though this isn’t the
happiest of stories, I’d still like to dedicate it to Carla! Thanks for all your fantastic support and
feedback. It means a great deal to me to
know you’re there reading my series and enjoying it. It makes all those late, late nights and lack
of sleep completely worth it!
The light in his living room seemed to be
growing dimmer as the haze covering his vision grew steadily in intensity. The television flickered and changed colors
as the scenes and sounds being played out before him went on without
recognition from Jack. And with the lift
of his right hand, Jack brought another beer bottle to his lips, the froth from
the newly opened glass bottle tickling his tongue and then his throat as the
cold liquid ran down his throat.
Jack had lost count on how many
beers he’d already consumed in just the few hours since arriving home from the
base; all he knew was that he had made a stop at the store on his way home,
purchased enough beer to give off the impression that he was throwing a party,
and was now disappointed to find he only had a handful of bottles left. His goal at the beginning of this evening was
to drown out all thoughts and memories that could possibly cause him pain, but
instead all that seemed to be happening was a surge of memories that only made
his heart hurt even more than he possibly thought it could. So his newly decided goal was to now drink as
much as he could in the shortest amount of time possible in order to force his
body to pass out, hopefully not to wake up again until he was to report back to
duty, which would be three miserable days from now.
Taking another long swig of his
beer, Jack took the back of his hand and wiped at his mouth as some of the liquid
escaped the bottle before making it into his body. Grabbing the remote for the T.V., he changed
the channel until he found a baseball game between two teams he couldn’t
recognize through his wavering vision.
Hitting the volume button, he turned up the television until he was sure
his neighbors could hear it; not that he wanted to disturb them, but he figured
if they could hear it, then maybe he wouldn’t be able to hear his own thoughts
as they continued their slaughter on his heart.
How had he gotten to this
point? Two months ago his life had
almost been perfect: he had a great job where he got to explore the universe,
had wonderful and loyal friends and teammates who were willing to put their
lives on the line for him just because it said “Colonel” on his uniform, had a
comfortable house and a relaxing cabin up by a quiet lake, and most of all he
had Sam. She was the brightest spot in
his life, a star to outshine all others, and in the matter of a few years, she
had brought more joy and love to his life than he had ever thought possible for
himself, let alone deserved after Charlie’s death. The only thing that had been missing was to
make her his wife…and he had been so close to giving it all up and asking
her…and then everything just fell apart.
Six weeks ago...that’s when Kinsey
had walked into their almost perfect lives and had torn it into pieces, leaving
it barely recognizable. Jack grunted to
himself as he took another drink. ‘Well,
maybe Kinsey isn’t totally responsible for all that had happened,’ Jack said to
himself, ‘but the bastard definitely was the spark that started this whole
destructive fire.’
Hell. Jack was sure that if there was a Hell, it
couldn’t be far from what he was living now.
After that day on the trails when he and Sam had talked, Jack had been
determined to get them back to where they’d been before Kinsey had forcibly
separated them. His plan had been to
make it through the rest of that week, let her go on her mission with the
Prometheus to retrieve the hyperdrive from the Al’Kesh, and by the time she got
back home, Kinsey and his thugs would be gone, and they could sit down, work
through everything, and get back to living their lives loving each other.
But she didn’t come home, not for
four agonizing days, days in which Jack was sure he was going to go crazy with
worry over what had become of the woman he loved and the Prometheus that had
been carrying her. Admittedly, he had
been grumpy and cross with those who had been working with him to help find
her, but all he had been able to think about as they’d searched the galaxies
for the ship was how they’d left things between them, along with the last thing
she had said to him…“I love you, Jack
O’Neill…never forget that”.
It had sounded almost like a goodbye to him
at that moment as he’d stood there on the trail, watching her run away from
him. Fully knowing she couldn’t have
predicted her fate, he’d been determined to find her and bring her home. And four days later, the Prometheus finally
sent a radio signal back to Earth, letting the base know they were on their way
back home. Despite a few injured
crewmen, including Sam, they were all present and accounted for after what
could only be described as a bizarre alien encounter.
Jack had been overjoyed to hear of
their return, and he had remained at Sam’s bedside in the infirmary as much as
he could without drawing suspicion, waiting for the moment when she would open
her beautiful blue eyes and smile up at him.
When she finally did, he had been surprised at her use of his first name
in the infirmary, and upon seeing his shock, she had corrected herself,
obviously having been disoriented concerning her surroundings.
After spending another day of
observation in the infirmary, Sam had been released for a little R&R at
home for a few days before returning to work.
It was that first night of her having returned home that he’d paid her a
visit…and it was that very same night when the walls around their beautiful,
secret world began to crumble even more….
Jack
knocked on Sam’s front door. It felt
weird to him not to be using his key, but since they hadn’t had a chance to
really talk since that day on the trail, he wasn’t sure how she’d feel about
him coming in unannounced. After waiting
for a few moments, the soft sound of the door unlocking from the other side
could be heard. And finally, the door
opened and soft yellow light spilled out onto the darkened porch that he stood
on.
“Hey,”
Jack said with a casual smile on his face.
“Mind a little bit of company?”
Sam,
who appeared to be taken by surprised, took a moment before finally shaking her
head and giving him a quick smile. “Not
at all…come in.” Turning around, she
headed towards the kitchen.
Jack,
surprised by her apparent lack of affection, closed the door softly behind him
and watched her for a moment as she headed for the countertop that held the
cradle for the cordless phone, which was in her hand.
Sam’s voice sounded against his ears as he
made his way after her. “I had just
finished talking to my brother on the phone.”
Jack,
who was almost at her side, responded.
“Mark? How’s he doing?”
Sam
hesitated for a moment with the phone in her hand, and then proceeded to return
it to its home base. “Okay I guess. He’s always concerned that I’m not living my
life to the fullest, and since I can’t tell him about my real job, I just have
to hear him out and try and pacify him.”
As
she turned around, Jack, who had been standing directly behind her, captured
her face between his hands and found her lips with his. Edging his tongue into her mouth, he explored
every inch, drinking in the sensations it brought to his body after all the
time that had passed since they’d last connected on an intimate level.
After
a few passionate minutes of lips locked, along with Jack’s mouth moving over
the sweet, hot skin of her neck, he drew back and gave her a sexy grin, taking
the flushed color on her cheeks as a compliment.
Something
flickered in Sam’s eyes that Jack didn’t recognize. Seeing only a mild response to what he
considered to have been one hell of a kiss, Jack placed one hand on the side of
her face. “You okay? Did your brother say something to upset you?”
Sam
gave him a weak smile and just shook her head.
“No…nothing like that; he had a few questions for me and some
ideas…” She wasn’t quite sure how to go
on. Placing her hand over Jack’s, she
gave it a light squeeze and then moved out of his reach. “It doesn’t matter anyway…I’ve agreed to a
few things that should make him happy for a while.”
Jack’s
curiosity was peaked. “Oh? Like what?”
Sam
wrung her hands in front of her and then crossed her arms over her chest. “It doesn’t matter, Jack…I really don’t want
to talk about my brother right now.”
Jack
was expecting her to do something sexy to distract him from the questions, and
he was all for it…so it took him by surprise when she turned around and walked
out of the kitchen, heading for the living room. Following her, he let the light fall out of
his voice. “What’s going on, Sam? You’re not acting at all like yourself.”
Sam,
her back to him, closed her eyes for a moment before finally turning around to
face him. “Look, Jack…I need time.”
Jack
felt his heart do a gut-wrenching flip.
“What do you mean ‘time’?”
Sam
ran her hands through her hair. “We
can’t keep going on as we have been…Kinsey’s got too much suspicion about us,
and I don’t want to be looking over my shoulder every two seconds. It’s not fair to me or to you. I just don’t think I can enjoy what we have
if I’m constantly wondering who’s watching us.”
Jack
was now completely confused and a little miffed. “Enjoy?
Is that how you describe our relationship? Funny…I thought it was about love, or am I
the only one who’s remembering that here?”
Sam
could feel herself getting frustrated.
Taking a breath, she went on. “Of
course it is…you’re just twisting my words.
I just can’t continue taking the risks we’ve been taking…”
Jack
felt like he’d been sucker-punched in the stomach. Still reeling from what she was telling him,
he shook his head. “After all this
time…all these years…after everything we’ve been to each other…you’re
chickening out now?! You’re letting that
bastard win!!”
Sam
could feel tears stinging her eyes. “I’m
not,” she said, with a little too much force behind her voice, “we just need a
break…I need a break to sort through things and figure out what to do.”
Jack
moved in closer and took hold of her arms.
“What to do? If this is what this
is truly about, I’ll retire! Damnit,
Sam, I’m not going to lose you again…not like this, and certainly not because
Kinsey decided to get a burr up his ass and make our lives a living hell. I’m not about to give him that satisfaction!”
Sam
jerked out of his hold and stepped back.
“Please, Jack, just give me time.
You retiring right now isn’t a realistic option…it’s certainly not the
best one for the country or this world.”
Jack
threw his hands up. “Screw the world…do
you really think it means more to me than you and what we have?!!”
Trying
to keep herself from yelling, Sam walked past him and moved towards the front
door. “Just give me time…I need this
right now…I need you to leave.” Seeing
the shocked and dumbfounded look on Jack’s face, Sam lowered the tone in her
voice and pleaded with her eyes. “Please…I know you don’t understand, but I
need you to do this for me.”
Jack
was at a loss for what to say. He was
standing there, hearing her words, but he just couldn’t believe what was
happening was real. The emotions rolling
through his head and heart were conflicting, making it hard to even think. Feeling his emotions boiling over, he had
enough clarity left to know that they’d get nowhere by yelling at each
other.
Taking
a big breath, he shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants. Staring at her for a moment, he finally spoke
up. “This is really what you want?”
Sam just nodded. Jack hung his head slightly and shook it
slowly. Finally, he found the courage
inside himself to move forward, walking past her as he made his way slowly to the
front door. When he reached it, he
turned around and found her watching him.
“This isn’t over…I’ll give you time, but we’re going to work through
this.” Jack knew his voice sounded firm,
but he didn’t want her to see the fear that he knew was in his eyes.
Waiting
for an extended moment in silence, hoping she would drop her guard and fall
into his arms, he finally reached for the door handle with a heart that felt
like it was in his feet. Hesitating only
a moment more, he opened the door, walked through it, and then pulled it shut
with a quiet click….a click that resonated loudly in the darkness now
surrounding him not only physically, but also in his heart…
Jack drained the bottle currently in
his hand and chucked it across the living room.
Shaky, he got up and made his way into the kitchen, stumbling part of
the way. Grabbing onto the handle of the
refrigerator to steady himself, he pulled open the door and squinted against
the blinding white light that came from the inside. Eyeing the last two beer bottles, he grabbed
them both and then shut the door with his foot as he slowly made his way back
to the couch, collapsing onto it with a lot less grace then he’d intended
to.
Using the edge of his table, he
popped open the top of his beer and watched as the white froth spilled out over
the top of it and worked its way slowly down the skin of his fingers and onto
his hand. The liquid foam tickled the
nerve endings in his hand, sending an unwanted chill through his body that
unwontedly awoke his senses, and more specifically his memories.
Since that terrible night, their
interactions had been limited to almost none.
Averted eyes at the base and limited time together on missions, Jack had
felt nothing but an awkward emptiness inside his soul. It was a feeling he couldn’t define, let alone
figure out, but something about everything that was suddenly happening didn’t
fit, even with the excuses she was attempting to give him. He shoved it off to the fact that the woman
he loved more than anything was hurting in a way he couldn’t pinpoint, and she
wouldn’t let him in to help her through it, or for him to figure it out.
And then the day came that totally
knocked him off his feet. Stepping on
the elevator that morning, he was happy to see Sam was by herself. Moments alone with her had been few and far
in between, and that particular morning, he’d been determined to ask her where
they stood. It had been two weeks and he
felt he’d been more than fair in offering her the space she’d requested.
But as the elevator doors closed and
he started to open his mouth, he suddenly noticed she was humming. It had taken him by surprise because up until
this moment, he had assumed she’d been as miserable as he was. But that morning she was humming and held a
soft smile on her face.
His remark about ‘what’s his name?’
was meant to be sarcastic, and if anything, he’d expected her to say his own
name. In his mind, he was imagining that
suddenly they’d made it over that hump…that Sam had figured out her fears and
was ready to start their relationship again.
But then she answered him, and the name “Pete” was abruptly thrown into
his face, shattering his world.
Not sure what to say, he played
along, convincing himself that she must be putting on a show to throw off the
rest of the SGC, ending any rumors that she and Colonel O’Neill had more than just
a professional relationship. And though
he knew it couldn’t be real, he’d still felt incredible uncomfortable and
unsure of how to keep the conversation going.
Thankfully, the elevator finally reached his floor, and he’d stepped off
the car as fast as possible, mumbling her a “Good Luck” and made a mental note
to talk to her later about giving him a near heart attack. If there was one thing he didn’t ever want to
imagine was Sam with another man, and even joking about it gave him a feeling
that made him almost ill.
And so that was why that night he
decided to catch her at her car after she left the base. He wanted, or rather needed, her reassurance
that it had been just a joke, and to also let her know not to ever do that to
him again …
Jack
could see her outline as she approached her car from the lighted entrance of
the base. Standing back in the shadows,
he knew that she wouldn’t be able to see him until she was almost to her
vehicle. Luckily for him, she had parked
her car far enough away from the entrance that hopefully no one would spot them
talking…or if they did, wouldn’t think anything of their conversation.
After
Sam was almost to her car, Jack carefully stepped out of the shadows, not
wanting to startle her. “Hey.” Jack’s voice sounded lame even to him. He felt almost like a boy who was stalking
the girl he had a major love-struck crush on, a boy who wasn’t sure if his
feelings would be returned or not.
Sam
stopped short and looked at him, obviously surprised by his sudden
appearance. “Sir…I didn’t see you.” Her voice sounded slightly awkward, as if she
wasn’t sure what to say next.
Jack
picked up the conversation easily. “Yeah,
sorry about that, but I didn’t want people wondering why I was just standing in
the parking lot by your car…alone.”
Sam
relaxed the grip on her purse and moved forward a little more. “Well, you’ve sparked my curiosity. How long have you been out here?”
Jack
gave her a small smile. “Oh, you know
me…I’ve always liked watching the stars.”
Looking up at the sky, he nodded in a particular direction. “Charlie’s barely visible tonight. There must be some higher stratosphere clouds
that we’re not seeing.” Jack watched as
Sam briefly looked up and then right back down at him. When no comment or reaction came, he found
himself surprised and a little disturbed that she didn’t seem to be taking any
interest at all in their star. And then
suddenly that awful feeling in the pit of his stomach began to surface again,
making him cringe slightly.
Clearing
his throat, he shoved his hands in his pockets to keep himself from reaching
out and pulling her into his arms. Over
the last few sleepless weeks since their talk, he had found an unsettling fear
establishing itself in his heart that she was pulling away from him, and every
time he had seen her since then, it had almost become like torture that he
couldn’t hold her in his arms, preventing her from forgetting his touch.
“Look, Sam,” he said, his voice almost raw,
“we really need to talk. I’ve tried my
best to give you the time you asked for, the space you needed, but it’s
beginning to drive me a little nuts…okay, a lot more than nuts…crazy even. But I love you, and I’m not just going to
stand back and watch you go through whatever it is your going through
alone.” Closing the distance between
them, he placed his hands on either side of her arms. “Please just let me help you.”
Sam
could barely stand looking into his eyes, eyes that were so obviously hurting
and being genuine in their plea. Shaking
her head, she stepped back and crossed her arms over her chest. “I can’t, Jack,” she said, her voice cracking
slightly. “Besides, I’m supposed to be
meeting Pete later…”
Jack
stopped her. “Yeah, about that,
Sam. I think you can drop the act
now. It was bad enough having to endure it
on the elevator this morning, even if it was a great performance. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand here
and endure it now. I don’t really give a
rat’s ass anymore what rumors float around this facility. I’m not about to sit here and pretend that
you and I are nothing more than friends, and that you’re dating some guy who
has no right to your heart.”
Sam
stood her ground but took her voice up a notch in volume. “It’s not an act, Jack.” Watching him stop all motion and stand frozen
before her, she continued. “It’s not an
act. I’m really dating a guy named
Pete.”
Jack
could see her mouth moving, but the words coming out of it came with such a
slamming force that he was sure his hearing had ceased. Taking a moment to process what he thought
he’d heard, he finally found his voice again.
“I’m sorry…did you say it wasn’t an act?
What does that mean?! How…why are
you dating someone else?!!”
Sam
could see that the conversation wasn’t going in the right direction, and she
could also see that it might easily get out of hand. Explaining things to him would be extremely
difficult and not really even possible, so she took a breath and tried to find the
best response. “My brother was concerned
about my happiness, as I told you, and really wanted me to meet Pete. It’s a good friend of his and since I
couldn’t tell him about us, I really had no choice or reason not to agree to a
date.”
Jack
could feel his whole world suddenly crumbling down around him. His voice held anger and he knew it, but he
didn’t care. “You sure as hell had a
reason not to go on the date…and as for your brother, you should have told him
to butt out and mind his own business.
We’ve been together secretly for years now, Sam…so why now? Why this guy?
Why are you folding liking a deck of cards and just walking away from
everything we have?!”
Sam
felt suddenly trapped and she wasn’t sure what to say next. She knew she was hurting him, deeply, but she
had no choice. “I’m sorry, Jack, but
after everything that happened with Kinsey…”
Jack
held up his hand and tried to keep his voice from exploding. “Stop using that jackass as an excuse. You’re stronger than this, Carter! I’ve never seen you back down from a fight,
and certainly not because of Kinsey! So
what’s this really about?”
Sam
could feel her emotions getting the best of her. “I like him, okay?! Is that what you want to hear? I’m sorry, but Pete and I have really hit it
off. There might be something there.”
Jack’s
stomach felt like it had been tied into a thousand knots, and each one was
being pulled so tightly that his head had begun to spin, and he was sure he was
going to double over in pain at any minute.
But he pushed the pain back long enough to see her clearly. “That’s crap, and you know it. The Samantha Carter I know wouldn’t be doing
this!”
Sam
just shook her head and stepped quickly around him, fumbling with her car keys
as she tried to unlock the door through a blurry-eyed vision. “Well, it’s me, Jack, and I’m sorry to be
hurting you, but I need to do this.
You’re just going to have to accept it.”
Jack
reached out and took hold of her arm.
“I’m not going to just accept it, Sam, and if you think I ever will,
you’re wrong. I’m not going to just let
you go.”
Sam
then turned and looked into Jack’s eyes, allowing a single tear to flow down
her face. Reaching out, she touched his
face with one of her hands. “You have
to, Jack.” Her voice was barely above a
whisper, and for a moment, it didn’t even sound real to him. And as her eyes continued to penetrate his, a
strange feeling hit his soul, something he couldn’t describe. She was trying to tell him something, something
her voice wasn’t.
Jack
allowed his anger to dissipate as her touch went through the layers of skin on
his cheek. Releasing her arm, he took
her face in both of his hands and looked into her eyes, studying her for a
moment. Keeping his voice low, he
finally responded to her. “I can’t,
Sam. I love you too much, and no matter
what you might be going through, I know you feel the same way.”
Sam
shook her head and stepped back from his touch.
The connection was broken, and something in her eyes changed. “Regardless of how I feel, regardless of what
I may want with you, we can’t have it…not now and possibly not for a very long
time. I can’t keep hiding my happiness
in the shadows. I need to do this…I need
to see if I can find happiness that doesn’t require complete secrecy and fear
of losing a job I’ve worked very hard to achieve.”
Not
waiting for a response from him, Sam opened her door and got in the car. Shutting the door, she brought the engine to
life and put the car in gear. But before
she drove away, she looked up at him through her window and pressed her hand
against the glass, mouthing an ‘I’m sorry’ with pain radiating in her
eyes. And then she blinked, and the link
was broken once more. Pressing the gas
pedal, the car moved away from Jack and disappeared into the dark of night,
leaving Jack standing alone in the shadows with a shattered heart and more pain
in his soul then he’d ever felt before.
And that conversation had happened
nearly a week ago. Since that time, Jack
had been thankfully busy with their mission to capture and extract Oshiris from
Sarah, Daniel’s old flame from the past.
He had spent all his days and nights at the base, refusing to go home
for fear of having to confront all the emotions rolling around in his
heart. Thanks to his military training,
he had disciplined himself enough to continuing working with and around Sam
with surprising control. But he knew
well enough that if he left that protective environment for the outside world,
outside of the military, his world would fall apart.
But the mission had ended, and his
team was given several days off to recoup before going on their next
assignment. And Jack knew that unlike
Sam, he had no real excuses to stay on the base after a mission had been completed. So he’d left the base late that afternoon,
gone past the liquor store, picked up his beer, and now found himself drunk,
with a hazy vision and a memory that wouldn’t quit, no matter how hard he tried
to drown it out with gallons of alcohol.
Chugging down his last beer, he
looked at the empty bottle, disappointed in its affect to stop his train of
thought. Sitting up, he gripped the
bottle firmly in his hand, looked over at the wall in front of him, and threw
it with as much force as he could muster.
Getting up slowly, he reached for his car keys, determined to make his
way to whatever store was open for some harder alcohol that would surely kill
the ache in his soul.
But as he took his first few steps,
the world suddenly began to spin in a sickening motion and he began to see
large black spots in front of his vision.
Stumbling forward, he ran into the wall where he had just thrown the
bottle, bounced off of it, hit his back on the side of the couch and collapsed
on the floor, landing in the shards of glass that lay scattered on the carpet
beneath him.
And as his vision faded completely
to black, all he allowed himself to feel was relief that at least for the next
few hours he wouldn’t have to feel any kind of pain or hurt or gut-wrenching
despair over what had become of his life, a life in which an endless abyss
seemed to be spiraling before his very eyes.
Sam knocked hesitantly on Jack’s
door, unsure even as her hand rapt against the wood if she should be
there. After all, it was her who had put
the distance between them, and it had been her who had initially hurt him. But after their last conversation that night
in the parking lot, she had felt completely unsettled in her soul, and though
Jack had been acting professionally enough around her at work, she knew that he
was barely hanging on.
So with Pete resting comfortably in
the SGC infirmary after their ‘talk’ about what she really did for a job, Sam
had made the conscious decision to stop by and make sure Jack was doing okay. Several people had seen him leave the base
late that afternoon, so she assumed that he would be at home.
But after standing there for at
least a minute, she began to wonder if he was home. The lights were on, dim as they were, and she
could hear the faint volume of the television coming from the living room.
She knocked again, but when no
answer came after another minute, she considered turning around and leaving…she
could always try and talk to him later at the base. Besides, the way she’d left things between
them, she really wouldn’t be surprised if he was standing on the other side of
the door, watching her through the peephole in the door and wondering where his
life had gone since she’d torn it apart.
But as she turned around to leave,
something inside her told her not to. Taking
a steadying breath, she reached into her purse and fished out her keys. Fingering through the keys on her key ring,
she found Jack’s key and inserted it into the keyhole. Turning it, it clicked easily and unlocked
the door. Turning the doorknob, she
opened the door and pushed it open.
Entering his house, her attention
was immediately directed to the left where his living room was. Now that she was inside his house, she
noticed how loud the television was. “Jack?” She had to practically yell in order for her
voice to be heard above its blaring volume.
Walking down the few steps that led into his living room, she poked her
head around the corner and stopped dead in her tracks.
Her eyes instantly spotted Jack, who
was lying unconscious on the floor with shattered pieces of what appeared to
have been a beer bottle underneath him.
Several pieces of furniture had been knocked from their usual position,
and a picture frame containing a photograph of Jack and his late son, Charlie,
had been knocked from the wall and lay broken in pieces on the floor.
Assuming the worst possible
scenario, Sam pulled out the small revolver that she kept in her purse,
carefully placed her purse on the floor beside her, and reached for the remote
which was on the back of the couch, clicking the television off and leaving the
house in silence. Over the next few
minutes, did a complete sweep of Jack’s house, careful to check the security of
all the windows and doors in the house.
When everything appeared to be in place and she couldn’t find anything
missing, Sam put the gun in the back of her jeans and made her way towards
Jack.
But as soon as she was within five
feet of him, she could smell the alcohol coming off his clothing and his
breath. Taking a closer look at the
floor surrounding the couch, she finally noticed what seemed to be over a dozen
beer bottles lying next to it and partially underneath it, including the broken
one he had collapsed on. Reaching out
for him, she felt for a pulse and was relieved to find a slow but steady
one.
But as she withdrew her fingers, she
noticed her fingertips were now covered in warm, dark red blood. “Oh God…Jack!” Taking his shoulders, she carefully rolled
him over until he was basically resting his head in her lap. His face was pale, and a small but steady
stream of blood ran down the base of his neck and onto the carpet beneath
him. A pool of blood had already formed
where he had been lying, but since it was fairly small, she could only assume
he’d been bleeding for a short time. A
shard of glass protruded from the place on his neck where he was bleeding, and
she knew that if she attempted to remove it, the bleeding would only increase.
Moving down closer to his head, she
called out to him. “Jack! Can you hear me? Wake up…it’s Sam!!” When no response came, she began to
panic. “Jack…come on…don’t do this to
me!” She knew it was her fault that he
was in such bad shape…she’d driven him to this point, and it was to a point
he’d probably never been before.
Laying his head down carefully on
the floor, she got up and went to Jack’s nearest phone. As she picked it up and was about to dial
911, she suddenly had a thought. How
could she explain getting in here when it was obvious everything had been
locked up? She knew that wouldn’t be the
paramedics first concern, but it would be a question that would eventually come
up. Replacing the receiver in its
cradle, she moved over to her purse.
Frantically searching, she finally pulled out her cell phone and flipped
it open. “Come on, Janet. You’ve got to be at home by now.” She knew Janet had left the base at
practically the same time she had, and Sam could only hope that Janet hadn’t
decided to run any errands before going home.
After only two rings, Janet picked
up the phone. “Hello?”
“Janet! Thank God you’re home!” Sam knew her voice sounded panicked, but she
couldn’t help it.
“Sam? What’s wrong?” Janet immediately instilled worry into her
voice.
Sam swallowed quickly. “It’s Jack…I came over to check on him
because of everything that’s been happening since I…since Pete.” Sam took a shaky breath and went on. “I found him on the floor…he’s
unconscious. I think he passed out, and
he’s cut his neck on some glass. It’s
bleeding pretty badly.”
Janet could tell she was upset and
not thinking clearly. “Sam, you’ve got
to calm down…take a breath.” Waiting for
a moment for her to do just that, she continued. “Now, where’s the glass embedded?”
Sam swallowed hard, trying to control her emotions. “In the lower portion of his neck, near his
right carotid artery…it’s glass from a beer bottle.”
Janet replied. “Beer?
Has he been drinking?”
Sam nodded as she looked down at the
pale form of the man she still desperately loved. “Yes…there appears to be at least a dozen
empty bottles.”
“Oh my God…okay, Sam, I’m going to
call the base…”
Sam interrupted her. “No!
Janet you can’t. I used my key to
get in here. How am I supposed to explain
being here? I can’t just break down his
door…that would attract more attention then we need.”
Janet responded as calmly as she
could. “Sam, you’re not only a teammate
but a good friend of Jack’s. No one
would question you if you had to break down his door out of concern.”
Sam looked over at the solid oak
door. “I don’t know…”
Janet just shook her head. “Okay, just stay there, Sam. I’m on my way. Don’t move him anymore than you have to. Call me on my cell if his condition worsens.”
Sam heard the phone click and the
connection was lost. Closing her phone,
she put it down and sat down next to Jack’s head. Afraid to move it anymore than she already had,
Sam ran her fingers softly through his hair as tears ran down her cheeks. “God, Jack, I’m so sorry. What have I done to you?” With her voice cracking, she bent down and
softly kissed his lips. With nothing
left to do but wait for Janet, she got up and retrieved a towel from the kitchen,
placed it gently on his neck wound to absorb the slowly seeping blood, and then
sat back down against the back of the couch, pulling her knees up to her
chest.
A million, confusing thoughts raced
through her mind as she sat there. Pete
was in the infirmary recovering from an injury that could have been
life-threatening, and though he could have run from her after finding out what
she did for a job, he hadn’t, and he now seemed more committed to her than
ever. Pete was safe, and she could be as
happy as she wanted to be, displaying it for all the world to see.
But as she looked down at Jack, his
handsome face so pale and drawn, her heart fell. No matter how much she might find herself attracted
to Pete, she was always going to love Jack more. But with that love came danger, and risked
destroying not only her career but his as well.
And then where would that leave them?
No matter how happy they might be together, regret would shadow their
love, and she wasn’t willing to accept that.
Closing her eyes, she tried to calm
her thoughts, but with Jack lying injured next to her and her unable to help
him, she simply sat there and let the thoughts and memories flow, making her
mind a jumbled mess, and her heart more conflicted than she ever thought it
could possibly become.
Sam looked up from Jack’s kitchen
table as Janet finally joined her after having tended to Jack in his bedroom
for almost an hour. When Janet had first
arrived, she’d been shocked by the state of the living room, and very concerned
about Jack. The first thing she did was
remove the shard of glass from his neck and temporarily bandaged it until she
could tend to it later. Between the two
of them, they’d managed to half-carry, half-drag him down the hall to his
bedroom. Once there, Janet immediately
gave him some charcoal, forcing it down his throat with a tube that she had
temporarily put in place. The charcoal
was supposed to absorb some of the alcohol he’d consumed, along with forcing
him to throw up what was remaining in his stomach.
After only a few minutes, Jack’s
body convulsed, and though unconscious, he regurgitated what was left in his
stomach, with Sam and Janet holding him over the toilet. After his nausea passed, the two women
together stripped him down to his boxer shorts, turned on the shower, leaving
the water running cold, and held him up in the streaming water.
Temporarily regaining consciousness,
Jack mumbled out a few swear words and tried to focus his vision. But all he could see were two forms holding
him under what must have been the iciest water he’d ever encountered…or at
least it seemed that way. Someone was
talking to him, trying to focus his attention on them. Sam? But
as soon as the thought entered his head, he dismissed it, remembering that she
was at the base, holding the hand of her new boyfriend as he recovered in the
infirmary.
With that thought as influence, he
ignored the voices urging him to wake up and instead traveled back to the
welcoming dark that was slowly seeping back into his brain. Sam felt despair as she watched Jack’s eyes
roll back into his head and his head drop.
It had looked like he was beginning to regain consciousness, but then
almost as quickly as he’d woken up under the cold water, he’d slipped back into
a state where he was totally unaware of anything or anyone around him.
With both of them already physically
exhausted from supporting his total body weight up to that point, Janet and Sam
pulled out their last bit of energy and dried him off, wrapped a dry towel
around him, and then took off his wet boxers.
Dragging him over to his bed, they laid him down and covered him up with
the comforter, tucking it around him to keep him from shivering too badly as
his body came down from the alcohol-induced state that he’d brought himself
to.
At that point, Sam had left Janet to
finish working on him and had made her way into the kitchen, where she’d
started a pot of strong, black coffee.
Sitting down at the table after pouring herself coffee, she’d wrapped
her hands around the hot, ceramic cup and tried to focus her mind. And that’s where Janet found her almost an
hour later, looking emotionally drawn and nursing a cup that was still over
halfway full. When Sam looked up and met
Janet’s eyes, she let out a shaky breath.
“So, how is he?”
Janet moved over and touched her friend’s
arm, giving her a soft smile. “He’s
going to be okay, although I sure he’s going to suffer with a major headache
and hangover for the next 24 hours.”
Moving over to the coffee machine, she poured herself a cup and then sat
down at the table across from her.
Taking a sip, Sam watched as Janet
grimaced at the bitter, strong taste.
“Sorry,” Sam said with a wince.
“I made it strong in case Jack might want some.”
Janet put the cup down and sat back,
pushing a strand of hair out of her face.
“I monitored his pressure and pulse frequently, gave him a bolus of
saline fluids, and I’ve now got him on a maintenance drip, which I’ll stop
right before I leave. His color’s
looking better and he’s been stirring. I
also redressed his wound…it looks like he’s going to get away without any
stitches. Hopefully he’ll wake up soon.”
Sam started to stand up. “I’ll go in and sit with him until he does.”
Janet spoke up. “Sam, what’s going on?”
Sam sat back down slowly as she
could see the concerned expression in her friend’s face. Sighing, she placed
her elbows on the table and covered her face with her hands. “God, I wish I knew. I really like Pete…he’s funny, charming, and…”
Janet finished for her. “Safe.”
Sam looked at her and nodded. “I still love him, Janet, so much.”
Janet felt so sorry for what Sam was
having to go through. “Of course you
do…and if I can be honest, I’m really surprised that you’re giving up now when
you’ve come so far together, not to mention all that you’ve survived together.”
Sam sat back and crossed her arms
over her chest. “I’m not giving up…just
giving in I guess. It would destroy our
relationship if we lost our careers because the right person discovered that we
were a couple. No matter how hard we
would try to get past it, you know it would destroy us.”
Janet sat up in her chair. “I know how much your careers mean to each of
you…but why Pete? Sam, I’m not saying
that you don’t deserve to be happy, but you’ve had so much happiness with Jack
for so long…can’t you just put things on hold for a while?”
Sam wasn’t sure how to respond. Standing up, she moved over to the sink and
poured out her cup of coffee. Thinking
for a moment, she turned around and walked back into the little eating
area. “I can’t, Janet…there’s too much
longing, too much desire.”
Janet shook her head, not
understanding. “So instead you give that
passion to another man? I’m sorry, Sam,
but you know this is going to destroy Jack.
Eventually it will, and tonight is just the start.”
Sam knew that Janet’s harsh words
were meant with good intentions, but it stung all the same. With tears forming in her eyes, she shook her
head. “I can’t do this right now…I just
can’t. I’m going to go check on
Jack.” Not waiting for a response, she
walked down the hallway, ignoring Janet’s voice as it called out her name. Reaching the bedroom door, she took a breath,
opened it softly, entered his room that only had a soft bedside lamp burning,
and then closed the door behind her, leaning against it for a moment.
Looking over, her eyes found Jack’s
sleeping form. Pushing herself off the
door, she quietly moved over to the edge of his bed and sat down. Reaching out for his hand, she took it and
held it between hers, squeezing it lightly.
Closing her eyes, she sat there and listened to the sounds of the
room…the whispers of wind against the panes of glass in his bedroom, the light
scratching of a twig against the side of his house, the drip-drip-dripping of a
single drop of water over and over again from a faucet in the bathroom that wasn’t
completely turned off, her breath, her heartbeat, and then fingers that
suddenly wrapped themselves around her own…
Sam opened her eyes and met
Jack’s. Though his face held no
expression, his eyes carried it all, and she could see how much he was
hurting. “Hey.” His voice was soft and sounded nothing like
she was use to hearing. It was flat, as
if he was guarding himself from anything she was getting ready to say, and she
didn’t blame him.
“Hi there.” Her voice sounded pathetic and lame
considering she was responsible for the condition he was currently in. “How are you feeling?” She knew it was a dumb question, but she
couldn’t seem to think of anything else to say.
Jack lightly snorted. “Like I’ve been run over by a Mac truck; but
then I guess I’ve got no one else to blame but myself.”
Sam quickly spoke up. “It’s my fault…not yours. I didn’t exactly give you a great start to
your week by dropping the news about Pete…”
The gentle pressure from Jack’s hand
suddenly ceased, and within the blink of an eye, the connection between their
hands was lost. Jack adjusted his
position and nodded towards his bedroom door, barely looking at her. “I’m surprised you’re not with him. You can go if you want…”
“Jack, don’t.” Sam attempted to reach out for his hand
again, but Jack just pulled it away.
Sighing quietly, she stood up and crossed her arms over her chest. “I wish I could make this better…”
Jack gave her a sharp look, studied
her for a moment, and then let out a low, short laugh. “Now I know you’re smart enough to see the
irony in that statement.”
Sam ran her hands through her
hair. “You know it’s complicated, Jack.”
Jack sat up a bit straighter. “I love you...and the last time I checked,
you loved me. What’s so complicated
about that?” Watching her expression
crumble into something unreadable, he laid back down against his pillow and
waved her off. “It’s alright…you don’t
have to answer that. I’m beginning to
accept my new reality.”
Sam moved back over closer to
him. “Not very well…Jack, when I found
you lying on the floor, unconscious, I imagined the worst. Things between us may be not where they
should be, but I still care about you, just as I always will.”
Jack grunted. “Gee, that’s inspirational, Carter! Why don’t you just go…go back to him and
leave me to my wonderful hangover.”
As Sam was about to respond, Janet
opened the door and walked in. Looking
quickly between the two of them, she could tell that she had interrupted
something. Not wanting to increase the
obvious tension in the room anymore than it already was, she eyed Sam carefully
for a moment and then directed her attention to Jack. “Well, I see you’re awake. How are you feeling, Sir?”
Jack gave her a confused look. “Doc?
What are you doing here?”
Janet gave him a simple smile. “What?
Did you think the I.V. in your arm just magically appeared?”
Jack glanced down at it for the
first time and noticed that not only did he have it in his arm, but that it was
connected to a bag of fluid. Groaning,
he turned over on his side, placing his back to them. “I guess my hangover’s worse than I
thought.”
Janet looked at Sam for a moment and
then walked around to the other side of the bed so she could face him. “I’d say you’ll be experiencing this hangover
for a while. You gave us quite a scare
you know. If Sam hadn’t found you and
called me, you could have done some major damage to yourself that I wouldn’t
have been able to fix. You’re very lucky
she stopped by to check on you.”
Jack rolled over part way and
glanced at Sam, who had moved in a little closer. But their eyes only connected for a moment,
and then the spell was broken when Jack looked away again. Rolling fully onto his back, he mumbled softly. “I guess I owe you one, Carter. Thanks.”
Sam could feel her emotions wrapping around her chest like a rubber band,
tightening with each turn. Taking a few
more steps closer to him, she spoke up as she watched his face. “I was worried about you…I guess I just
wanted to make sure you were doing okay.”
Jack gave her a sudden look that
stung her to the core. It was one of
hate, love, resentment, and sorrow, ripping her heart to shreds as he continued
to look into her eyes. After a long
moment, Sam couldn’t take his stare anymore and tore her eyes away from his.
Jack sighed and spoke up. “Well, as you can see, I’m better now. You’d can get going now. I wouldn’t want you to have to explain your
absence to Pete. Besides, I just want to
sleep.” Looking over at Janet, he nodded
towards his I.V. “What are the chances
of me losing this thing?”
Janet felt so sorry for both of them
that she almost couldn’t respond. The
pain surrounding them was overwhelming, and it took her a moment to catch her breath
and form words. “Um, good…I was actually
just coming in to take that out. You’re
fluid levels should be almost back to normal.
And if you promise to drink plenty of water, I’ll leave you alone. But I’ll be back tomorrow to check on
you. Deal?”
Jack nodded. “Thanks, Doc.
Oh, and do me a favor…could you conveniently forget to mention this to
Janet thought for a moment and then
nodded. “Only if you promise me not to
do this again…okay?”
Jack held up the arm that had the
I.V. “Promise.”
Watching as Janet moved over to
Jack’s arm to take the I.V. out, she kept hoping that Jack would look her way
again. But when he didn’t, she took that
as her cue to leave. Turning the knob
on his bedroom door, she opened it and quietly slipped out, looking back only
momentarily. When she did, the only eyes
she caught watching her were Janet’s.
Jack’s purposely turned head was like a slap to her face, but one that
she figured she deserved.
So with tears stinging her eyes, she
shut the door and made her way out of the house, closing the front door behind
her. The night air was heavy with
humidity. The month of June had barely
begun and already the heat had climbed into record highs, giving no relief for
the night. With the moisture heavy on
her skin, pressing down on her chest like a heavy weight, Sam made her way to
her car, got in, shut the door, and pulled away from Jack’s house.
But as she made her way back to the
base, her emotions suddenly overwhelmed her, and she was forced to pull her car
over into an empty parking lot. Unable
to see through her tears, she put the car in park and let her emotions flow,
sobbing uncontrollably for several minutes over the turn her life had made and
her role in making it so. With her heart
desperately broken, she began to doubt that it would ever be whole again.
Back at Jack’s house, Janet had just
finished collecting her supplies in the kitchen and had made her way back into
Jack’s bedroom to check on him one more time before leaving. Knocking on the door, she entered the room
quietly. “Sir?”
Jack, who was on his side facing
away from his bedroom door, barely mumbled an answer. “What’s up, Doc?”
Janet moved in a little closer. “I’m getting ready to leave. Do you need anything before I go?”
Jack grunted. “What I need you can’t help me with.”
Janet let the silence span between
them for a moment before sighing lightly and answering him. “Jack…she still loves you. I know that it seems hopeless right now, but
give it time. Life might surprise
you…Sam might surprise you.” When he
didn’t answer right away, she went on, moving even closer to his bedside. “At least promise me that you won’t ever
drink this way again…you could have done some serious harm to your body.”
Jack partially turned over and
looked at her with his peripheral vision.
His voice sounded weak and defeated, not at all like the Jack O’Neill
she was use to hearing. “I promise. I’ve come to realize that even in a drunken,
severely hungover state, the pain still burns just as strong.” Turning his head again, he rolled away from
her once more.
Janet watched him for a moment more
and then moved over to the door, pausing long enough to say one more thing to
him. “You know, I just finished reading
a book by Nancy McKenzie, entitled ‘The Grail Prince’. I’ve always been a sucker for great quotes,
and I memorized a short passage that I think applies very well to you.” When she could see that she’d finally gotten
Jack’s attention, she moved back into the room in order to make more direct eye
contact with him. Smiling softly, she
quoted the passage… “Arthur was only a
man. But he believed, as I believe, that
men can work miracles themselves, if they only believe they can. If you want badly enough to find what you
have dreamed of, then search for it. You
will find it…perhaps in the last place you expect.”
Placing a light hand on his, she
squeezed it lightly and then left, leaving him to his thoughts. In the darkened room, Janet’s words resounded
through his still hazy mind. Sam had
come…he had that much hope left. But was
it enough to build on? The answer was
something that scared him, and rather than work it out, he allowed the very
small fraction of hope floating around in his heart to work its way into his
mind, conjuring up images of days past when he thought it wasn’t possible to be
any happier than he was in those memories with Sam.
The future, once so clear and
bright, was now masked by a heavy fog that showed no signs of lifting. His tomorrows were uncertain and from where
he stood now, his future bleak, except for that very small piece of hope now in
his heart. Closing his eyes, he allowed
the happy memories back into his mind, giving that hope a chance to build, and
his soul the bravery it needed to fight…and maybe find a way of getting back
the one woman he loved more than life itself.