Finding Strength

Title: Finding Strength

Author: Suz W.

Feedback: I'd be glad to hear from you!

Spoilers: After Tokra Parts 1 & 2 (episode tag)

Rating: PG

Category: S/J Friendship

Summary: Jack reaches out to Sam.

Disclaimer: All publicity recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended.

Copyright: The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. Copyrighted on September 24, 2003, by Suzanne R. Whitmarsh.

Author’s Notes: This story follows “An Evening In The Park”.

Dedication: For all those devoted to Sam and Jack!

Sam stood in the Gate Room, blindly staring at the great circle through which her father had just disappeared. Hot tears stung at the corner of her eyes. Closing her eyes briefly, she attempted to force them back, trying to pull herself together. After a short moment, she felt a hand on her shoulder.

“You okay, Carter?”

Sam registered Jack’s voice as it softly penetrated her ears. Attempting to appear normal, she opened her eyes and smiled as best she could, looking up at Jack, who stood in front of her, his hand still on her shoulder. She could see the concern in his eyes, and felt the compassion in his touch. Despite her best efforts, his question seemed to set off a swirling of emotion inside her, one that was slowing rising in her chest, making it tight. She knew she had to get out of there.

“Yes, sir, I’m okay. Just tired I guess.” And with that, she gave him a quick smile, turned, and walked out of the room as quickly as she could without running.

Jack watched her go, surprised at her quick retreat. He wasn’t use to her giving in to emotion so quickly, but he understood. She’d been through so much on this last mission that they’d just returned from: confronting her memories of Jollinar, meeting the people from her dreams, almost losing her father, and now, watching him leave again. Jack hated to see her in such agony. He always felt so helpless.

‘Well, no more!’ Jack told himself. ‘You are her commanding officer, and besides that, her friend. It is your duty to help her through this, or at least make sure she’s okay.’

Not wanting to let her get too far, Jack turned to the General, who was still in the Gate Room, listening to light details of their encounters with the Tokra from Daniel. Clearing his throat, he addressed General Hammond.

“Ah, sir, beggin’ your pardon, but when is our de-briefing scheduled for?” Seeing the quizzical look from the General, Jack quickly continued. “It’s just that I have some things I need to take care of…first, if that’s alright.”

General Hammond gave it just a moment’s thought before answering. “Very well, Colonel. We’ll de-brief at 0800 hours tomorrow. I think you could all use a good rest before we go over the fine details. Dismissed.”

Jack casually saluted. “Thank you, sir. Daniel, Teal’c.” Jack gestured to them as he turned and headed out of the Gate Room, in the direction Sam had gone.

Not knowing where she had gone, he started with the locker room, but found it empty. Her lab was the next logical place to look. He made his way up to it, knocking briefly in the doorway before entering. The only glow coming from the room was the soft white light from the computer screen, which, to his disappointment, was not occupied, nor was the room for that matter. He shoved his hands in his pockets, not liking the feeling that was coming over him. The concern that had started to fill him early now filled his chest, making it ache.

He tried to think of another place she could have gone in such a short time period. Looking at his watch, he discovered that it was almost 1800 hours. Though it was dinnertime, he knew she wouldn’t be eating now. Those blue eyes of her had looked so hollow and sad when she had opened them and looked up at him. It had almost seemed as if she were being swallowed up by black pools of an emotional abyss. She had looked so alone and frightened. He doubted that eating would be a top priority right now.

‘Maybe she went home,’ Jack thought to himself, but then shook his head, knowing she wouldn’t have left the base without checking with the General first. After all, usually the de-briefings were held within an hour of their arrival back home. No matter what state she was in, she wouldn’t be irresponsible with her duties to the base. So she had to be somewhere close by.

Deciding it was pointless standing there, trying to think of answers that weren’t coming, he got on the elevator and rode to the surface. Hoping against hope that he would find her there, he got off the elevator, walked to the door, and stepped outside.

A chilled rush of air met his face, causing his muscles to tighten in an automatic response. The world outside was quiet, with only a light breeze softly swishing the treetops back and forth. The temperature had gone from a chilly 50 degrees F, to a cold 35 degrees F. Gratefully for his heavy coat, he zipped it up and started out, not knowing exactly where to go, but hoping that his instincts (or fate), would lead him in the right direction. The sky was overcast with a high level of grayish-white clouds. And on the breeze, Jack could smell the first hints that snow might be on the way, the first for the new winter season.

Jack chose a path leading into the surrounding forest, and away from the base. He only had to walk for a few minutes before he saw her. She was sitting on the ground, huddled against a tree trunk, her knees gathered up against her chest, with her arms wrapped tightly around them. Her head was down, and he could see her back shuttering against the sobs of tears that he could only assume she was crying.

Looking behind him, he knew he’d wandered far enough away from the base entrance and into the tree cover that he could dismiss the base protocol of ‘Carter’. But looking at her now, he felt almost guilty, like he was possibly intruding on private time she had sought out. Hesitating, he began to think he should just go back inside, and give her the time she needed. After all, he’d found her, and knew she was safe.

Starting to turn away and head back inside, he found his thoughts flooding his head once more, scolding him. ‘She may be safe from physical harm, but she obviously isn’t safe from emotional harm. Get your butt over there and just ask her if she needs anything. It’s the least you can do!’

Guided by his conscious, he walked up to Sam and squatted down. She obviously hadn’t heard him approach. ‘Another good reason for me to be here.’ Jack thought, hating to see her in such a state. ‘She’s not even aware of her immediate surroundings.’

Close enough now to hear her quiet sobs, his heart went out to her. Slowly and softly, he placed his hand on her back. “Sam,” Jack said, her name sounding ominous on his tongue.

Startled, she quickly looked up at him, her eyes and cheeks red from crying. Realizing who it was, she relaxed her shoulders slightly. She tried to find her voice, to stop her tears, but she couldn’t. So much had happened, in such a short time span. Looking into Jack’s eyes now, she could see that he didn’t expect her to stop. His compassion was as bright as the sun, and feeling his warmth, she knew it was okay. Okay to cry, okay to let go. He wasn’t her commanding officer right now, but her friend.

Suddenly feeling overwhelmed, she covered her face and mumbled through newly formed tears. “He’s gone,” Sam said with a shaky voice. “I just got my Dad back, and now he’s gone! I just handed him over to the Tokra. I don’t even know if I’ll ever see him again!”

Without a word, Jack reached out and drew her to him, wrapping her protectively in his arms. Not even realizing he did it, he placed a feathery light kiss on her head, and rocked back and forth with her, as her body swayed with the emotion she was expressing. His coat was too thick to feel the moisture of her tears, but he could feel her shaking as her sobs slowly relaxed to an occasional shuttering. For several minutes, he just held her, protecting her from the cold, from the pain, from the fear that she was alone in her despair. He knew all too well what she was going through, and he would be damned if he was going to let her face it alone.

After a few minutes had gone by, Sam regained her composure and pulled back, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. She hated leaving the warmth of his arms, of his strong embrace. But in this emotional moment, she wasn’t sure she could trust herself.

“Sorry, Jack,” Sam said, sniffling. “I didn’t mean to lose it. I guess it’s just been a really long day.”

Jack placed a finger gently under her chin, lifting her face to meet his, their eyes locking. “I don’t expect you to apologize, Sam. And yes, it has been a really long day. Feeling any better?”

Sam briefly smiled, breathing in a deep breath of cold air. “Yeah, I think so.” Looking at her watch, she got to her feet. “Well, General Hammond is probably wanting to start our debriefing. We’d better be getting back.”

As she started to walk past him, Jack placed a hand on her arm, stopping her. “Sam, there’s no rush. I got the General to postpone our debriefing until 0800 hours tomorrow.”

Sam gave him a confused look. “Why?”

“Well,” Jack said, “I decided I wanted to take a walk. You know, for some fresh air. A really…long walk.”

Sam gave Jack a small laugh. “A long walk, huh?” Sam eyed him suspiciously, loving how cute he was when he tried to cover something up. His excuses seemed to always make her laugh.

“What!” Jack said, in defense. “A guy can’t take a walk in the woods on a cold, brisk evening?” Jack watched her as she smiled, casting her eyes down to the ground as she shook her head. When she looked back up at him, he was grateful to see a little of that wonderful sparkle back in her eyes.

“You wanted to check on me, didn’t you?” Sam could see him struggling with having to admit the truth. “It’s okay. Actually, I’m glad you did. I always seem to feel better when you’re around.”

Jack’s eyes whipped up at that comment, and settled on Sam’s. Their gazes held for a moment before Jack found his voice. “Really?”

Sam, blushing at her comment, responded with some hesitation. “It’s just that…you’re good at distracting me…I mean, helping me, to realize what’s more important in a situation. In this case, was me freezing to death more important than getting over what I was feeling. That’s all I meant.”

Jack slowly nodded, hearing her excuses. “Yes, well, I didn’t come out her so you could ‘get over your feelings’. You’ve been through a lot recently, and it’s bound to take a toll. I wanted to make sure you were okay. I know how hard it is to lose someone, alive or dead.”

Sam saw the flash of memories roll through his eyes like a storm. “Yes,” Sam said, touching his elbow briefly, “I suppose you do.”

Jack blinked hard and looked up at the sky. “Well, I don’t know about you, but I can never seem to get enough of the surface air. I know it’s a little cold, but do you feel up for a walk?”

Sam folded her arms over her chest, hugging herself tightly. “Yeah, I suppose I could handle that. Walking would help keep the cold off.”

Jack smiled. “Shall we?” He held out his arm in the direction of the path in front of them, one that would continue to lead them through the woods, and around the base.

For a few minutes, they just walked side by side, enjoying the quiet of the forest, and the presence of each other’s company. The trees had begun to cast long shadows as the light of the day slowly began to fade into night. Squirrels still gathering food for the long approaching winter darted back and forth in front of them, as an occasional bird called out from the treetops above.

Sam breathed in heavily, filling her lungs with the cold, crisp air. “Smells like snow is on the way.”

Jack looked up briefly at the sky. “Yeah, I was just thinking that earlier when I came outside. The first of the new season.”

Sam smiled. “I’ve always loved snow. It seems to offer a kind of peace and innocence that can’t be found in anything else. I remember that my Dad would always take me outside during one of the first snowfalls, and we’d build the biggest snowman we could. Of course, assuming he was home and not on some mission assignment….”

Jack watched her as her voice faded out, and she quietly sighed. “I’m sorry that you didn’t get more time with your Dad before he left. I know that had to have been hard,” Jack said, hoping that he was saying the right thing.

“It’s not just that I didn’t get a lot of time to say my goodbyes. It’s more the fact that when I initially made the suggestion that he become a host, it never crossed my mind that if it worked, I may never get to see him again.” Sam shivered against the cold, as the thought filtered through her brain.

“Well, I don’t know much about these Tokra, but one thing I can be sure of is that Jacob loves you, and no matter where he is, I know he will find a way to make it home again.” Jack gave her a reassuring smile as she looked at him. “And for the record, you did the right thing by suggestion to him the idea of becoming a host.”

Sam looked at him in surprise. “I never thought I’d hear you agree with any implantation.”

Jack looked ahead of them. “Oh, don’t get me wrong. You won’t see me forming any fan club at any point in the future, near or distant. But at least with this option, Jacob’s alive, and healthy. I would have hated to have had to watch you see him die of cancer.” Jack met her eyes, deciding to lighten the mood with a sarcastic remark. “And besides, if that option had happened, it would have meant a lot of long, cold walks!”

“Ha, ha, very funny. But no one forced you to come out here.” Sam gave him a playful look. She continued, softening her tone. “But I do appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome.” Jack looked at her, hesitating before he went on. “So, how are you dealing with all the new information you’ve learned about Jollinar? What did Martouf tell you about him?” The memory of Martouf inviting Sam up to the surface, alone, suddenly invaded his mind. He remembered feeling very protective of her at that moment, not wanting her to go alone with Martouf, especially since he was a Goa’uld. Yet despite his fears for her, he knew she had to go with him. If he’d been in her shoes, he would have done the same thing. All he knew is that he’d been incredibly relieved to see her return with Daniel. He had been so grateful for the excuse to send Daniel after her, in order to meet with the Tokra high counsel.

Sam thought about his question, and how to answer it. Deciding to just tell him everything, she adjusted the collar of her coat as she cleared her throat. “Well, the first thing you should know is that apparently, Jollinar was a she. And Martouf…..was her mate.” With that sentence, Jack looked over at her, giving her a stunned look. Sam continued to relay to him all of the information that she had found out.

After Sam finished, she looked over at Jack, who was still digesting all of what she had just told him. She hoped she hadn’t said too much. After all, his opinion of the Tokra was not that high, as of yet. To him, they were all, on a basic level, Goa’uld.

“So, what’s it like, having these memories in your head?” Jack sounded hesitant as he asked his question.

“Well,” Sam said, “it’s kind of confusing. I have my emotions and thoughts, but then, I have hers.” It’s kind of like having multiple personalities in a way.”

Jack didn’t want to know, but he had to ask. “Do you feel….feelings for Martouf, as Jollinar did?”

Sam could see how uncomfortable he was in asking this question. She answered him as best she could. “I do understand what Jollinar felt for Martouf, yes, and in a way, I feel it too. But that doesn’t mean that I now hold those same feelings for him as well.”

Jack seemed to relax a little with her response, satisfying Sam that she had said the right thing. She didn’t know quite why, but it was important to make sure that Jack understood that point, very well.

As they continued to walk, the path they were following began to wind back down towards the base. The night had begun to settle in, taking hold of what little light that was left. As the air grew colder, Jack and Sam found themselves walking closer and closer to each other for warmth with each step, until their shoulders were practically attached.

Loving having her this close, Jack found himself savoring the moment. Hearing her sigh, he looked over at her. “What’s on your mind?”

Sam looked at him. “I was just thinking about my Dad again, and how close I came to really losing him. Not just to cancer, but the implantation may not have even worked. We were really lucky.”

Jack’s thoughts moved back to that moment in the Tokra tunnels, with the place falling apart around them, Jaffa on the way, and Sam refusing to leave her father. He had been almost angry at her for not following his direct order to leave. And then, his mind flashed forward to waiting in the gate room on baited breath, hoping beyond hope for that SG-1 signal. It had seemed like hours had past before it did finally come, when Sam, her father, and Martouf, came tumbling through the gate. His lungs had actually ached when he finally allowed himself to breathe normally again after assuring himself that she was okay.

Noticing his lack of response, Sam looked at him and saw that his expression had gone from relaxed to pensive. “Jack, are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine. I was just thinking,” Jack said, tension obvious in his tone.

“About what?” Sam was curious to know what had him all tied up in knots.

Jack clenched and released his jaw, finally speaking. “Oh, nothing, really. I’m glad that your father’s implantation worked. Really, I am. I guess I was just remembering being a little frustrated with you that you didn’t follow my order to leave those tunnels.”

“You knew I couldn’t. How could you have expected me to leave him behind, that the whim of chance would keep him safe? I thought your biggest thing was never to leave a man behind!” Sam found her voice had risen up a notch, to match the aggravation that was building inside her chest. She couldn’t understand where this was coming from.

Jack abruptly stopped walking and faced her. “You are actually going to use that against me? I can’t believe that you have the nerve to try!” Jack’s frustration was very apparent in his voice.

Sam flew back at him. “Where are you going with this? Why does it matter?”

“It matters because…..”

“All that I was thinking about was not wanting to leave my father. Is that so wrong?” Sam couldn’t believe this was turning into an argument.

Jack finally blew out his words in one breath. He grabbed her shoulders, taking a firm hold on them. “And what about losing you? Did you ever stop to think for even a second that I didn’t want to lose you either!”

The silence between them hung in the air like a thick fog. Sam wasn’t sure what to say. All she could do was continue to look into his eyes as he gently released his grip on her shoulders. What he had just said to her continued to sound in her head, traveling down to her heart, and making it skip a beat in happiness. He really cared!

Jack, regaining his composure, felt foolish at his words. “Sorry. What I meant was that we, as a team, didn’t want to lose you either.”

“It’s okay,” Sam said, still stunned by his words. “I guess I didn’t think the entire situation out. I’m sorry.”

As if fate knew they needed a little comfort, the first few flakes of winter snow slowly began to swirl and fall down around them. The tiny sparkling, white crystals made the earth even more quiet then before, filling their surroundings with an appreciation yet unrecognized. Glowing off the last few rays of light, the snowflakes settled into their hair, and stuck to their eyelashes.

Watching as the snow continued to fall around them, heavier by the minute, they relaxed and smiled at each other. Turning, they continued to walk in silence for a few moments, enjoying the peace that was beginning to unfold around them.

Jack spoke first. “Look. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get harsh with you.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry too. Like we’ve both said, it’s been a really long day.”

“Well, you’re right about one thing,” Jack said, smiling at her now.

“What’s that?” Sam was grateful for the change in mood.

“The snow really does have a lasting, peaceful effect. I think it just deterred us from an unnecessary argument.”

Sam smiled back at him. “Well, then I guess I have another reason for loving snow.”

“Tell you what!” Jack said, playfulness returning to his voice, as their path continued to draw them back closer to the base. “How about since your Dad’s a bit occupied for the moment, and I haven’t truly experienced the snow in, well, since forever, we go out sometime soon and build that big snowman. You can show me how it’s done, the Carter way.”

Sam gave him a smile that warmed his entire body, melting away the cold. “I’d like that, Jack. I’d like that very much.”

Next Story---> "One Halloween Night"

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