Desperate To Believe
Title: Desperate To Believe
Author: Suz W.
Spoilers: After New
Order (parts 1 & 2) (episode tag)
Feedback: Always
welcomed and gratefully appreciated!
Old Stories Referenced: “Dividing Lines”
Rating: R, S/J Friendship,
Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Sexual Situations, and Angst.
Summary: Grateful
to have Sam back alive and well from the Replicators, Jack tries to find a way
to spend time with the woman he’s determined not to lose.
Disclaimer: All
publicity recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, Sci-Fi
Productions, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for
entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or
trademarks was intended.
Copyright: The
original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. Copyrighted on November 4, 2007, by Suzanne
R. Whitmarsh.
Author’s Notes: This story follows
“Memories”.
I’m trying my best to move you through this “difficult” time in my
series as fast as I can, but you have to hang in there with me!
We got more stories to go before you’ll begin to see the light, but
I promise you will. Stick with me and
I won’t disappoint you! The song used
in this story is entitled “You’re the Only Place” by Josh Groban. I searched desperately for it, but it is not
a song on any of his CD’s (to my great disappointment), unless it is a song
that has been translated. So you’ll
have to do without the actual song (that you can download) this time. Sorry! As
always, I’d love to hear from each of you…your thoughts, feelings, and anything
else that you’d like to discuss about my series! Your support means the world. Thanks for reading!!
Dedication: I’d like to dedicate this story to Lynn! Thanks for your amazing friendship and
continued support. Though my emails have
been lacking, I hope you know how much I appreciate you and all you do for
me!
Jack stepped out of his truck and shut the door. Inhaling a big breath of air, he noticed that it was filled with the combined scents of garlic, oregano, and freshly baked bread. Just looking at his favorite Italian restaurant made his mouth begin to salivate, so when the urge to pick up a fat piece of lasagna hit him as he’d sat behind his desk at the base filling out paperwork, he’d immediately called Luigi’s. Having made frequent visits throughout the year, Jack had become personal friends with the owner, and it was a friendship that paid in spades. Though carry out had never been something they officially did for the public, Jack had become the exception to the rule.
So with a lonely weekend looming ahead of him, he made his way up their front steps, deciding as his did to add a Tiramisu to his order so he could end the meal and his night with a very full and satisfied stomach. Having just gotten back to a more normal routine after being held in stasis in Antarctica, Jack was really looking forward to just chillin’ at home…a great meal, good beer, and a late night showing of one of the old black and white classics on T.V. Nothing sounded better to him…except for Sam…but she wasn’t an option in his life right now, and if things continued as they had been, she might never be again.
Feeling his heart growing heavy at the thought of her, he pinched the bridge of his as he shut his eyes tightly for a moment, attempting to block her face from his mind. Determined to get through the night and the rest of his weekend as best he could, he took in another big breath, blew it out, and then reached out and took a firm hold of the door handle, pulling it open. Stepping inside, he had to stand there for a moment while his eyes adjusted to the lower lighting of the restaurant. With the dinner hour in full swing on a Friday night, Luigi’s atmosphere had been transformed into a magical and romantic Italian wonderland, complete from the softly burning candlelight to the twinkle lights hung between intricately placed ivy vines that had been carefully woven through lattice work in the ceiling above the heads of those dining. The intimate tables had been set to detail with crisp white linen table cloths, clear glass olive oil flasks, yellow and white flowers placed into decorative empty wine bottles, and crystal-cut wine glasses ready to receive the latest order of Italian wine.
Jack watched a couple dining in one of the corners of the restaurant. They were completely enraptured with the other, their eyes never leaving the other’s face, love obvious in the expressions Jack could see from his vantage point. Feeding each other a piece of shared dessert, the laughed together as part of the bite the man was giving the woman didn’t make it all the way into her mouth and instead fell into her lap. They seemed incredibly happy, so oblivious to those around them that Jack finally had to look away, feeling like he was being too intrusive into their very private moment.
Knowing where his mind was going to take him, he shook his head and stepped forward to the bar, taking a seat on the closest barstool. He only had to wait for a minute before the bartender approached him. “Hey, buddy, what can I get for you?” The man was in his late 20’s, sporting a short crew cut and a deep summer tan. His casual manner indicated that his bartending job was a side thing for him, but one that he was obviously suited for and enjoyed.
Jack gave him a quick nod. “I’m just here to pick up a to go order.”
The bartender gave him a strange look before Jack finally saw realization dawn on his face. “Oh, you must be O’Neill? Yeah, we’ve got it ready in the back. Give me just a minute.” Stepping out from behind the bar, the man disappeared around a corner. Moments later, the owner, Luigi, appeared from the direction the bartender had just gone.
“My friend! How are you?” Luigi’s heavy Italian accent filled the atmosphere, and Jack couldn’t help but smile as the man, who was short with a well rounded form and a broad smile, approached him with arms held open wide to him.
Jack stood and gave the man a quick embrace and pat on the back. “Doing good. How have you been?”
Luigi gestured with his hands. “Aahh…I can’t complain. Business has been good, and keeping me a very busy man; there’s hardly any time for love! My wife has been reminding me of that I’ll have you know.”
Jack gave him a light laugh. “I’m sure you’ll find a way to make up for it.”
Luigi nodded with another broad smile. “I’m sure going to try…but where have you been? I have not seen you in a while and was beginning to think you’d found better food than mine!”
Jack shook his head. “Not a chance.” Thinking of the time he’d lost in stasis, Jack searched for an excuse for his absence. “I’ve just been bogged down at work. They’ve been sending me on a couple trips that have, well…taken longer than I expected.”
Luigi actually looked relieved. “Well, you’re here now, and just to show you how happy I am to see you again, I’m going to go add a piece of my Mama’s famous Tiramisu to your order! You have the time to wait, no?”
Jack smiled, not letting on that he had already intended to order a piece. “You bet…and thanks!”
“Be back in a jiffy!” As Luigi hurried off towards the kitchen, Jack just smiled to himself. The man was always trying to pick up American slang phrases, and whenever he said one, his accent always managed to give it his own personal touch, usually making Jack laugh.
Deciding to step into the restroom while he waited, Jack mentioned it casually to the bartender who had just reappeared. “No problem, man. I’ll tell the boss man if he comes back looking for you.”
Five minutes later, after a short wait in line due to it being only a one room bathroom, Jack emerged drying the tips of his fingers on his jeans when he looked up and stopped dead in his tracks. A few tables away, near the center of the restaurant, sat the most beautiful woman he’d ever known. Sam was by herself for the moment, but it was obvious she was waiting on someone as an unopened menu had been placed neatly at the place setting opposite her on the small but intimate table.
Swallowing hard, he was trying to decide if he should even approach her. Knowing she was more than likely waiting on Pete made his stomach turn, and he wasn’t sure if he could go over and just carry on a casual conversation as if nothing was wrong with the situation. Suddenly deciding he’d rather not lose his appetite or his halfway good mood, he was in the process of heading back to the bar when he looked back over in her direction one more time and their eyes locked.
Jack stopped his progress towards the bar and turned back towards her. Standing there for a moment, the world seemed to suddenly go dark, with only her remaining in his sights. He could feel his pulse rate and breathing increase as he took his first few steps in her direction. She was dressed in what could only be a little black dress, with a delicate silver necklace hanging intricately on her neck. Her shoulders and arms were bare, exposing her creamy white skin in the glow of the candlelight. Her blonde hair shimmered in the light, and her eyes, those bright blue eyes, seemed to glow iridescent as he got closer to her.
Finally reaching her table, he had to clear his throat and blink hard to even find the semblance of words. “Carter. Are you here dining alone?” He knew what the answer was going to be, but he wanted to hear her say it all the same.
Sam had been mesmerized by his form as he’d walked over to her, but his sudden question to her caused the spell to be broken and she looked away uncomfortably, as if she’d just been found guilty of a crime. Hating the tension and guilt running through her, she finally responded softly, barely able to look at him. “I’m actually waiting on Pete.”
Jack continued to look at her for a moment without saying anything before finally stuffing his hands in his pockets and taking in a big breath. “Well, it’s good to see you’re getting out of that lab of yours.”
Sam could have cut the tension in the air between them with a knife. Forcing herself to look up at him, she spoke up. “Are you here for dinner?”
Jack gestured with his thumb at the bar behind him. “Just picking it up to go…I guess you could say I’ve eaten here enough that I know the owner pretty well. He makes an exception for me as far as take out goes.”
Sam cocked her head to the side. “Are you going back to the base?”
Jack just gave her a sad smile. “Nope…headed home. I’ve got some good beer and a T.V. waiting for me.”
If Sam could have kicked herself in the butt, she would have for asking such a leading question. The sadness in Jack’s eyes and voice was evident enough to send shooting pains through her heart. Knowing she was the cause of such pain, she found herself wishing she hadn’t even asked the question. Here she was, in an intimate, romantic restaurant, dressed up and waiting for Pete, while Jack was brown bagging it home for a date with his television. How had she allowed herself to become so cruel?
Not wanting to let him leave on such a sour note, she quickly spoke up. “Well, why don’t you join me for a few minutes? Pete’s running late and probably won’t be here for another 10 minutes or so. We really haven’t had any time to talk since we got you back from stasis.”
Jack found his body automatically sitting without giving it or the consequences any thought. He chucked it up to his compounded, thirsting desire for her, and decided anytime with her was better than no time at all. “Well,” he said, pushing the plate that Pete would soon eat on a little further out of his path, “I guess the same could be said of you and your time with the Replicators. It certainly wasn’t the way I wanted to wake up from stasis…to find that you were possibly or probably dead at the hands of the Replicators.” He had to take a breath to quench the memory of that fear. “It’s good to have you back.”
Sam smiled. “It’s good to be back. I have to say you really took me by surprise with the promotion. It was a great…I guess you could say ‘welcome home’ gift.”
Jack returned her smile, remembering that proud moment only days before. “You deserved the promotion, and had for a long time. It was an honor to be the one to pin that star on your shoulder.” With some of the tension now broken by the easier conversation and topic, they carried it on casually for the next few minutes, going over moments that Jack had missed while he’d been encased in Antarctica.
After five more minutes had past, Luigi appeared at their table, another cheerful smile painted on his face. “So, have you decided to join us tonight? I’d say you’ve chosen a most beautiful dinner partner.”
Jack sat back in his chair and watched with happy satisfaction as a deep pink blush appeared on Sam’s soft cheeks. Looking up at Luigi, he just shook his head. “No, not tonight, my friend…the lady’s already spoken for.” Feeling the tension returning, he continued. “I was just catching up.” Realizing that he hadn’t introduced Sam, Jack stood up. “I’m sorry…Luigi, this is Samantha, or Sam as we call her. She’s one of my team members. Sam…Luigi, owner of this fine establishment you’re dining at.”
Sam stood up and took Luigi’s outstretched hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Luigi. You have a beautiful restaurant.”
Luigi took her hand in both of his and placed a delicate kiss on the back of it and then looked up into her face. “Ah, my dear, the pleasure is all mine. A beautiful woman such as yourself only adds to atmosphere I’m trying to create. Actually, you complete it.” As Sam’s face renewed its blush, Luigi looked from Sam to Jack, studying them as they looked at each other. Then he playfully nudged Jack in the ribs. “Now I may be a fool for amore, but I’d say you shouldn’t let this one out of your sites. I see quite a match between the two of you.”
Sam and Jack locked eyes again. “Unfortunately,” Jack said after a moment, tearing his eyes away from her face to look at Luigi, “the military tends to frown on personal relationships between teammates outside of work. Besides,” Jack continued, redirecting his eyes back to Sam’s face, “she’s seeing someone.”
As if on cue, Pete suddenly appeared. “Hey Sam...Colonel O’Neill, what are you doing here?” The change in Pete’s tone from friendly to suspicious was obvious to all.
Jack gave Pete a callused look. “Nice to see you too, Pete. I was just keeping Carter company while Luigi here got my order together.” Looking down at Luigi, he continued. “So you think it’s about ready?”
Luigi, who was eyeing Pete warily as he and Jack silently faced off, finally nodded. The cheery, carefree light on his face had darkened, matching his tone. “I think it should be, my friend. Come with me.” Turning to Sam, he quickly took her hand and gave it a light kiss again. “My dear, it’s been a pleasure meeting you. Do enjoy your dinner.” Giving only a stiff, short smile to Pete, he guided Jack back towards the bar.
Jack could tell that Luigi definitely had an opinion over what had just happened, but he wasn’t going to push for it unless it was given to him. But once they reached the bar where Jack’s food awaited him, packaged neatly inside a big brown paper bag, Luigi didn’t hold back. “That man I do not like. I’m sorry, Jack, but you know that Luigi will always be honest with you. He has a manner about him that does not sit well with me. Besides, he reminds me of a snake, slithering in where he is not needed or wanted. How can you let such a man date that beautiful young friend of yours?”
Jack looked back over briefly at their table, which Pete was now seated comfortably at, holding Sam’s hand and staring into her eyes. Sam, who was facing his direction, looked up briefly at him, meeting his eyes before returning her attention to Pete. Looking back at Luigi, Jack just sighed heavily. “It’s not up to me…she’s made her choice.”
Luigi studied him for a moment. He could see there was something between his friend and the beautiful lady that meant more than friendship to him. He could also see the pain that was layered in his eyes. But not wanting to intrude, he instead picked up Jack’s take out bag and led him to the front door. With a smile on his face, he gave Jack the bag of food, followed by a swift pat on the back. “Do not worry, my friend. Forget the serpent and go home and enjoy your food before it gets cold. Perhaps Luigi will personally take care of Samantha and the snake. It’s amazing how little things can happen that might just ruin their evening.” Not wanting to wait for a response, he simply nodded and then let the door close.
Jack couldn’t help but smile at what Luigi had just implied. If he was a true friend and wanted Sam to be happy with her choice, he’d go back in there and tell Luigi that was not necessary. But he didn’t. Walking to his truck, he refused to be anything but true to himself. He wanted Sam to be happy…but not with Pete. Besides, in his mind, he and Pete had a little private war going, rather the man knew it or not, and Jack was determined to come out the victor.
“Sam? Are you listening?” Pete’s voice sounded like an echo against her ears.
Sam blinked several times and refocused her attention on Pete. “What? I’m sorry…I guess I’ve just got a lot on my mind. What were you saying?”
Pete looked very annoyed as he sat back in his chair. Crossing his arms over his chest, he gave her a hard look. “What’s with you tonight? You’ve been spacing out on me the whole evening. I know my job may not be as interesting as yours, but this is a big case that I’ve got going, and you could at least pretend to show some interest.”
Sam gave him an apologetic look. “I’m really sorry, Pete. It’s just…well there’s a lot that’s been going on at work, and you know me and my projects. My brain just never seems to shut off.”
Pete just looked at her for a moment before blowing out a breath and leaning forward. “Look, I’m sorry…I guess I’m just a little bit on edge. We’re close to cracking this investigation and I guess this whole night hasn’t exactly gone as planned…from me being late in getting here and finding your CO with you.”
At the mention of Jack, Sam looked up at him. “What does that have to do with how our evening’s gone? He was just keeping me company while I was waiting on you. I didn’t arrange for him to pick up his dinner here tonight.”
Pete just shook his head. “Yeah, I know, but if just seems like he’s always around.”
Sam could feel herself tiring of the conversation quickly. “Well he would be since he is my commanding officer!”
Pete moved in a little closer, his eyes holding hers. He kept his voice low as he spoke. “That’s not what I’m referring to and you know it!” After an intense moment of silence, he blew out a breath and sat back. “I just don’t like the guy, okay? He seems a little too interested in your personal life.”
Sam was now resenting the conversation. “Can we change the subject please? I thought tonight was supposed to be about us.”
Pete clenched and unclenched his fists and then finally stiffly nodded. “Fine. So, how was…” Just then his cell phone started playing a muffled tune from him pocket. Reaching down, he dug it out and silenced the ring as he looked at the caller I.D. Sighing, he glanced up at Sam. “Sorry, I have to take this.” Getting up, he answered the phone as he walked towards the front door. “Shanahan.”
Sam sat back and put her napkin next to the meal she’d hardly touched. Ever since seeing Jack, her thoughts had been focused on him and nothing else, including dinner. Things had changed for her, especially since he’d been frozen in stasis. Not that she was looking to end her relationship with Pete, but the little trip down memory lane that she had recently been on was placing doubt into her mind and heart concerning the road she was currently on.
She had missed him so much…so much more than she had realized until Fifth told her the joyous news that O’Neill was fighting for her…trying to save her as he always did. Since she had begun seeing Pete, Sam had done everything she could to try and block Jack from her mind. But finding out in that moment that he was not only out of stasis by some miracle, but that he was also okay had sent her heart soaring, and all thoughts, including Pete, were closed out of her mind except for those concerning Jack.
She was still focusing on him when Pete finally reappeared after taking his phone call. Sitting down, he sighed and gave her a weak smile. Then taking her hand, he spoke up. “Look Sam, I’m sorry about earlier. It’s just been a bad day…bad week rather…and I guess I’ve been really looking forward to seeing you. But this night has not exactly gone as planned…from O’Neill, to the frankly terrible service and my cold food, to our argument. And now, to top it all off, I’ve got to high-tail it back to Denver.”
Sam gave him a concerned look. “What’s wrong?”
Pete let go of her hand and stood up. “Hopefully nothing but good…there’s been a big break in my case and they’ve got a suspect in custody. I’ve got to go. I’m really sorry, Sam. I promise I’ll make it up to you. I’m not sure how long the interrogation will take, but I will come back as soon as I can.” Moving over to her, he bent over and gave her a kiss. Pulling back, he looked into her face and smiled. “If all goes well, I’ll take you out to a celebration dinner…and no offense, but I’m going to choose the place next time.”
Sam let out a little laugh and gave him a smile. “Deal. Drive safe…I’ll wait to hear from you. Good luck with your interrogation.” Giving him a quick kiss, she sat back and watched as he walked away from her and out the front door without another look back. Taking in a deep breath, she looked at their mostly uneaten meal and sighed. As much as she hated to admit it, she wasn’t as sad as she’d expected to be at him leaving. The whole feel of the night had been wrong, and so going home alone would probably be the best thing.
Looking over at the windows, she found her thoughts suddenly settling on Jack again, and she wondered what he was doing at that very moment, and if he was even thinking about her…
Jack was
lounging on the couch with a very full stomach.
After consuming his meal, he’d flipped through the guide on his
television coming from the satellite service he subscribed to about fifteen
times before finally settling on the classic movie “Casablanca”. The movie, which he’d already seen about five
times previous, was a running commentary on his life. Boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love,
boy loses girl.
Swirling the beer bottle mindlessly in his hand, he took another swig and tried to stay focused on the movie. It had been a hopeless battle all night…his thoughts jumping between Sam, the confrontation with Pete at the restaurant, then back to Sam again, and then in a final cruel involuntary step, his thoughts would find an old memory of the two of them, making his heart hurt that much more. And even though he had fought all night to keep his mind neutral, trying to focus on the entertainment before him, in the end, his thoughts always won out.
Jack finally decided to just let them come…his mood had been ruined thanks to Pete and his smart ass remark. What Sam saw in him Jack decided he would never know; the man was a brut as far as he was concerned, and he clearly had no idea just how lucky he was. But for as much as he hated to see Sam with Pete, Jack was just happy he was able to see her.
After waking up from being in stasis, Jack’s heart had become frozen again upon learning that Sam was more than likely dead after the Replicator’s ship had been destroyed by the Asgard. His body had instantly gone numb to feeling, allowing him the basic functions without revealing that his entire world had just been shattered. He’d planned for tears later; he’d planned to slowly die from heartbreak later. But then it happened…on a grainy image aboard the “Daniel Jackson”, pulled from the mind of a recovered Replicator he saw her. She was alive, even if she looked like she was in incredible pain. Seeing her melded into that wall of replicator blocks sent adrenaline rushing through his heart, bringing it to life again, and her rescue became the complete focus of his mind.
As they searched for her, Jack wasn’t focused on the fact that she was no longer his to care about, and Pete Shanahan was the last thing on his mind. When he, Teal’c and Daniel finally came upon Fifth, Jack had a surge of remembrance regarding the Replicator and all that had resulted from leaving him in that time dilation when Sam had promised to take him with them. And in that moment he’d known it had been his fault for her current fate. A sickening feeling had begun to wrap around his gut; she had been put through some unknown Hell at the hands of her captors because of a decision he’d forced her to make. And not only had she been captured directly because of it, but right after that botched mission, Sam had made the decision to break off their relationship in favor of their careers. It had been the first serious splinter for their love, and looking back on it, he had no one to blame but himself.
His guilt and dread had only increased when the three of them finally caught up to the Replicator ship on the ground. Watching it escape, Jack had felt like he was watching all hope escape as well. But then Thor had radio down to him the best news he’d had since coming out of stasis…a fourth human life sign was being detected in their immediate area. Searching with frantic desperation, Teal’c’s voice had never sounded so good when he called out that he’d found her. Running over to her, watching as she slowly turned over and finally made eye contact with him…all he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms and never let go. He could see in that moment that she was just as happy to see him. But it had been a fleeting moment, for as soon as they were back onboard Thor’s ship and back to business, the curtain to her soul had been dropped, and he could no longer read what was in her heart.
Snapping out of his memory trance, Jack stood up and shook his head. He wasn’t sure if it was the fact that he missed her desperately, or the fact that something seemed so different about her, but his thoughts were never free from her. His body ached with an incredible need that he knew only she could soothe, which in his mind helped to partially explain why she was always on his mind.
Seeking an escape, though knowing he’d probably find no relief, he changed the channel to one of the XM satellite stations. An upbeat song was playing that made Jack’s foot begin to tap out the beat. Leaving it on that station, he grabbed his now warm beer and walked into the kitchen to replace it with a cold, frothy one.
But as he was uncapping it in the kitchen with his hand, the song ended, leading into the next one that had a much slower, swooning rhythm. Not in the mood to hear something that would only lead to more memories, he moved quickly into the living room, but the male vocalist beat him to the punch, with his clear, melodic baritone voice suddenly filtering into the room and surrounding him. And as the lyrics started, Jack could do nothing more than stand there and listen as what was written in his heart was suddenly expertly sung to him:
Seems like out love is on the road to nowhere fast
All my life I thought a love like this would last
But every road can hide a corner we can’t see
I had a vision that I woke up by your side
I felt you breathing and our souls were intertwined
But who can choose love’s destiny—not me
We had it all right in our hands
We had the space to fly and still the place to land
So I’m calling out, I’m calling out
You’re the only one
Who can save us from what we’ve done
Don’t leave me hanging on
I’m reaching out and praying you’ll come back again
It’s just darkness I’m living in
And you’re the only place my heart has ever been
Maybe I’m young and in the ways of love, naďve
Maybe I’m desperate for a reason to believe
There wasn’t any way I thought that we would fall
I’ve seen perfection in a rainbow in the sky
I’ve seen a child make the coldest grown man cry
But loving you I thought was greater than them all
We had it all, just you and me
Now there is a doorway to my heart without a key
So I’m calling out
I’m calling out to the only one
Who can save us from what we’ve done
Don’t leave me hanging on
I’m reaching out and praying you’ll come back again
It’s just darkness I’m livin’ in
And you’re the only place my heart has ever been
Wherever you are right now
Come back and show me how you feel
Because I’m lost without you here
Calling out
I’m calling out to the only one
Who can save us from what we’ve done
Don’t leave me hangin’ on
And I’m reaching out and praying you’ll come back again
It’s just the darkness I’m livin’ in
‘Cause you’re the only place my heart has ever been
Jack was stunned as the final chords of the music played out around him. The song had an amazingly ironic similarity to the current state of his own life, and it sent chills down his spine as he stood there in a daze.
As the next song started, a knock came at his front door. Looking at the clock, which read 2000 hours, he was curious as to who would be visiting him. Making his way to the front door, he opened it cautiously, only to find one of his neighbors standing on his front porch. Nodding, he greeted him. “Hey Andy. Everything okay?”
Andy Hardee lived two doors down from him with his wife and three kids. They were a nice family, quiet yet friendly, there to loan you some milk or an egg when you needed it, but never too nosy to where you felt like you had to be on constant guard. They had been over once a long time ago for a neighborhood barbeque that Jack had hosted, and Jack had taken an instant liking to Andy. Since then, it had mainly been the occasional wave from the truck as Jack left for the base, or a short conversation when hunting out the newspaper in the front yard bushes.
Andy gave Jack an apologetic smile. “Hey Jack. Sorry for the late hour…but I was wondering if you’d seen our cat strolling around your yard.”
Jack thought for a moment. “The orange and white tabby?”
Andy nodded. “Yep, that’s the one…Oliver. My kids let him out accidently and we can’t find him. Now they won’t go to sleep until I do.”
Jack shook his head. “Sorry, buddy, but I only got home a few hours ago, and I really haven’t been outside since. You want some help looking?”
Andy looked surprised. “Really? I hate to ask…it’s so late, but the extra manpower would be great.”
Jack reached for his keys hanging next to the door. Pocketing them, he locked the door and closed it behind him. “Let’s get started.”
Andy gave him a grateful smile. “Thanks a lot, Jack. Now maybe I’ll manage to get at least a few hours of sleep tonight.”
Jack shrugged. “Happy to help.” As Jack started off with Andy, he took in a big breath of air. Even though it was heavy with humidity and the temperature was still in the lower 80’s, Jack was suddenly grateful for the distraction. Even if searching for a lost cat had not been on his list tonight, it was better than wallowing in self-pity. Arriving at the first series of underbrush, Jack got down on his hands and knees and made the conscious decision as he started calling out “ here kitty, kitty” to put Samantha Carter as far from his mind as he possibly could…even if it was only for a few minutes.
An hour later, Jack unlocked his front door and walked back into his house…a little more dirty and a little more tired. Their searching had ended up fruitless, with no cats to be seen in the general vicinity. After an hour, Jack offered to continue the search, but Andy didn’t want to take up anymore of his night. He was going to go home and try and convince his children that Oliver would come back when he was ready. Both Jack and Andy could only hope that was true. Making Andy promise to come get him if he went back out on the hunt, they parted ways, both exhausted and tired of looking under bushes and in dark crevices they’d prefer not to be looking into.
Ten minutes later, Jack, refreshed from a hot shower, was walking to the kitchen when another knock came at his door. Blowing out a breath, he stared at the front door for a moment debating if he should even answer it. Not that he wasn’t willing to continue looking for the cat; but after cleaning up, he really wasn’t in the mood to go back out again into the sweaty, hot night. But then it might also be just good news that the cat had been found and Andy was coming to tell him.
Trying to think positively, Jack moved over to the door and started speaking as he opened it. “Is there another search and rescue mission in the works….” Jack’s voice came to a dead halt, as did his body and his breath. There standing before him was Sam, looking just as ravishing as she ever had in the same little black dress that she had been wearing earlier that evening at the restaurant.
As he stood
there staring at her, words leaving him, everything he’d been trying
desperately to avoid came rushing back into his mind like a flood of raging
water, consuming every sense he had. Her
eyes searched his, bright blue and full of emotion. He could feel their intensity and it caused
ripples of emotions in his heart. And
then suddenly he was hearing that song in his head again, with one verse
standing out the most in his mind: “Wherever you are right now, come back and
show me how you feel, because I’m lost without you here…calling out, calling
out….”
Jack wasn’t sure what to say or how to say it. His heart was so full of so many emotions…love, loss, fear, hurt, desire, and most of all joy at knowing she hadn’t been killed with the Replicators as he’d once thought. “Sam…” His voice was ragged and barely above a whisper, but still laced with surprise.
Sam stood her ground, her eyes continuing to search his. As a single tear traced down her cheek, Jack could see the private battle going on inside of her. It was then that he understood what she needed, and though it might kill him later, he was more than willing to comply. Closing off his heart to everything else but the full blown desire running through his veins, he took a step forward and reached out, cupping her face in his hands.
Sam’s lips trembled as she spoke. “Jack…I can’t…I…I missed you…”
Jack silenced her with a kiss that stole her breath away. Pulling back slightly, he rested his forehead against hers and looked deep into her eyes. “No promises…no changes…I know. Just give me tonight…please.”
Sam hesitated for only a moment before her lips found his. Desperation drove her, and she pushed her body into his as Jack’s arms wrapped around her. Moving inside, Jack continued to kiss her like a starving animal, kicking the door shut with his foot as he pushed her against the wall in the hallway. Using his fingers, he unzipped her dress and pushed it off her shoulders as he devoured her neck.
Both breathing hard as their hands ran over each other’s body, Sam kicked off her heels and pushed her dress down until it naturally fell to the ground. At this momentary lapse in connection, Jack quickly pulled off the shirt he’d just put on over his head and flung it to the side. Within seconds, he had her back in his arms. Scooping her up into them, he continued to kiss her passionately as he carried her the short distance down the hallway to his bedroom.
Collapsing onto the bed, Jack watched in amazement as Sam stretched out on the bed like a cat, smiling up at him. It was all he could do to keep himself from telling her how much he loved her, how beautiful she was…but he knew that wasn’t what she wanted. She might be using him, but it was a torture he was well willing to endure, as long as he could quench the deeper feelings for her inside his soul.
Not wanting to think on it any further, he stretched out on top of her and began kissing his way down her body, with his lips tracing a delicate pattern on the fabric of her bra as his fingers sought to unhook it. Once freed from their fabric prison, Jack ran his tongue over her nipples, delighting in how hard they became.
As he continued to move down her body, he could feel Sam quaking from anticipation over his next venture. Not wanting to disappoint her, he moved down further south until he reached the place where her passion was being held tight. Exploring it with his mouth, he used his hands to secure her hips as she rose up with an aching desire.
The foreplay continued for another five minutes, each one taking their turn at the other, loving the shared response. But finally, the intense sexual activity became too much for both of them, and without a word needed, Jack rose up on top of her and entered her in one, swift stroke as Sam let out a pleasurable cry.
With pent up desires running high, Jack and Sam road the climatic highway to its peak, kissing each other hard as the crescendo of their love making impacted them both at the same time. After the wave of passion began to recede, Sam and Jack held each other in an embrace that made them look like one person, sharing sweat and tears from the moment that had just passed between them.
Looking into her eyes, Jack wanted to say something…he wanted to say so much, but when she only gave him a weak smile and then averted her eyes, Jack knew he couldn’t. Instead, he moved off of Sam and laid down next to her, spooning her body to his. Kissing the back of her head, he felt her response from the light squeezing of her hand on his arms. Biting his lip, he closed his eyes and prayed for the confines of a deep sleep, one in which he could keep himself from being overtaken by his feelings of love for her. Jack didn’t want to give her any excuse to leave…holding her in his arms would have to be enough…for now.
Several hours later, closer to midnight, Jack awoke to Sam’s kisses on his body as she moved over him. Wanting nothing more than the feel of being inside of her again, they made love in the dark once more, their hands feeling out the pathway to ultimate pleasure. Once again, no words were spoken; at that point Jack was afraid that if he did speak, the spell would be broken and he’d lose her forever.
Cuddling and closing their eyes again after another intense climax, Jack and Sam fell into a deep, dreamless sleep, one in which nothing was out of place and everything was as it should be. Feeling Sam’s body once again against his helped Jack to sleep more soundly than he had in months, and though his mind wanted desperately to battle for answers to her unexpected visit, his heart and soul had found a temporary balm, and he was unwilling to wash it off with a version of reality he didn’t care for.
Sunlight streamed into the windows of Jack’s bedroom, filling it with a bright, translucent yellow light. Birds perched in a tree near one of the windows sung happily of the new day, serenading Jack out of his deep slumber. Taking in a deep, cleansing breath, he smiled at the remembrance of last night’s events before opening his eyes. Turning over, he reached out for Sam, but only felt the bed upon which she had been lying.
Forcing his eyes open, Jack sat up and looked around. The room appeared to be empty of anyone save himself, so he called out to her in hopes of an answer. “Sam? Are you here?” Praying for a response but getting none, he groaned and fell back onto his pillow, disappointment suddenly saturating his soul. He had known deep down that this would more than likely be the most plausible scenario of their escapades last night, but he had still allowed himself a small sliver of hope that once they had made love again, she would remember her feelings for him and dump the man who was keeping them apart. Of course Jack knew there was more to it than just Pete, but singling him out felt better than trying to figure everything else out.
Turning over on his side to face the window where the most light was streaming in from, he wanted to throw the covers over his head and stay hidden from the world and all suspicious eyes until the madness of this part of his life was figured out, but he knew he couldn’t do that. So throwing the covers off the rest of the way, he sat up…and that’s when he noticed the note laying neatly on the bedside table next to him.
Picking it up like it was the most precious possession he had, he turned it over once before finally blowing out the breath he was holding and proceeded to open it. Inside, written in her familiar script, was a short letter from Sam. Knowing the contents probably weren’t going to make him jump for joy, he ran a hand over his face and then began to read:
Jack-
I’m
sorry for leaving you this way…sorry for so many things. But one thing I’m not sorry about is last
night. I hope you know that what we did
will not…cannot… change anything between us.
I know this pains you greatly, and for that I am desperately sorry.
I needed you last night; it’s not
something I can really explain, and I know it’s not something I can keep
doing…using you like I did. I guess
after almost losing you, I went through all the times that were special to us
in my mind, and well, I missed you more than even I knew. Please believe me that my selfishness from
last night will not be repeated. I’ve
already caused you too much pain, and you certainly don’t deserve anymore.
I wish I could give you a better
explanation than that…or at least say something you’d like to hear…but I
can’t. I just ask that someday you can
forgive me for ruining your life. I will
always care about you…never forget that.
Sam
Jack didn’t know how to feel. He wanted to be angry, but he knew that wouldn’t be fair to her…he’d wanted and missed her as much as she had him. He wanted to be sad and scream up to the heavens for answers that he couldn’t find or understand. He wanted to run after her, to make her realize that she was supposed to be with him. He wanted to ask her so many questions…foremost being for her to explain to him why she was doing any of this when it was obvious she still cared for him.
But the one feeling he didn’t expect to feel suddenly was hope. She had missed him. Putting aside all the secrets, all the questions, all the hurt and frustration and loss…she had missed him. That alone gave him reason to believe that he still had a fighting chance. As his mind traveled back to the previous night, he found himself relieving each precious moment he’d had with her. And as he did, one thing suddenly became clear to him…there was something different about her. What he couldn’t see, but something had been different. And in his mind, he found himself making the decision to believe that that change would eventually benefit him…or so he hoped.
Getting up, he grabbed his pair of discarded shorts and put them on. Walking through the house, he found everything as it had been, even his crumpled shirt in the corner of the hallway…the only evidence to him that what had happened hadn’t been a dream. Picking it up, he pulled it on and moved through the kitchen and opened the glass door onto his deck.
A wave of early morning heat hit him in the face, followed by an immediate weight of humidity. Summer was still in full swing and had a firm hold on the mountains. The cicadas were already singing their annual song, indicating that fall was only six weeks away. Moving over to the railing, Jack stared out at his backyard and the forest beyond in search of what to do next. The dark green foliage of the evergreen trees gave no answers, nor did the shadows between and beyond them; the gentle breeze that offered no relief from the growing heat of the day only brushed his face and teased his hair; the birds still singing brightly from the tree tops continued their song as carefree and beautiful as they had been earlier; and the looming mountains, whose now dirt-covered peaks stretched to the stratosphere, offered only their beauty.
With Sam’s note still folded in his hand, he couldn’t tell if he was just convincing himself of something that wasn’t there, or if, by some miracle of a chance he was right and there was hope, he could find a way to lead her back to where she belonged…in his arms as she had been only hours before.
Standing there, he suddenly felt a brush of soft fur curl round his calves. Startled, he looked down and found an orange and white fat tabby cat with stark yellow eyes staring up at him…his mouth and whiskers almost smiling at Jack as he purred loud enough for a passing car to hear.
Jack bent down slowly and held out his hand. The cat took only a moment to smell the tips of his fingers before rubbing his cold, wet nose all over them. Smiling to himself, he spoke softly to the cat as he scratched the side of his face. “Well, I take it you must be Oliver.” At the mention of his name, Oliver’s ears perked up. Jack chuckled to himself. “Had enough adventure for one day, huh?” Picking the cat up easily, Jack stood up. The cat, who was obviously used to being lugged around, stretched out comfortably in his arms. “Let’s get you home, shall we? I’m sure Andy will be relieved not to have to spend another night looking for you.”
As Jack moved down the stairs on his deck and into the backyard, walking towards his neighbor’s house, a thought popped into his head that he chose not to ignore. If the cat could find its way home, then maybe Sam would too. After all, he’d heard the saying many times before…home is where the heart is…and despite all that had recently gone wrong between them, he found himself desperate to believe that she would find her heart with him.